Living with teenagers and bc

Romla

Whilst I am retired I  had kids very late and find dealing with bc and teenagers tough. Wasn't easy before bc but now when I need a bit of support it's lacking - they think I'm fixed and that I'm supermum - sadly that also includes their father.

LMK74

Tell them you need more help and support than you are getting. Sadly I've felt this all through my treatment, just finished chemo and heading for mastectomy then rads. I have no hubby or kids but I look after my older brother who is schizophrenic and has the mentality of a teenager. Go on strike.

Romla

I guess I expect them to notice and just step as I would  - all the medical stuff I can handle but wouldn't mind a bit of tlc without feeling I need to yell to get noticed or sing "What about me? " Luckily my dog Harry notices. 

LMK74

Yes some tlc would go along way. The last time I received a hug was from my mum over two years ago. Animals at least are always happy to be with you.
I understand your frustration though.
Sending you a big hug.

Zoffiel

Hang out with the hound. People have asked me if it's hard doing the whole BC thing alone. I think that compared to living with a bunch of self absorbed ingrates, it's a doddle. 

Go on strike. Better still, get into the Otis Foundation website and go on holidays. Don't tell any one,  just make the booking, take a friend and leave them a note stuck to the empty fridge saying you will be back on Friday.

Otis holidays are great. It only costs you the fuel to get there and the houses are all set up so you can self cater. Give them a wake up call and have a rest at the same time. Yours in selfish old cowdom, Marg.

TonyaM

As soon as you are up and about, the family think mum's ok. You have probably done everything for everyone and they expect it,take it for granted you'll do it all.One trick I learnt is to lie on the couch or in bed and rest- family equates this with mum's not well.Then ask them to do a few small things for you- not too much. Praise them and get them to repeat next day.So now they have delegated chores! They should all be helping you.

Romla

Thanks Tonya your strategy sits better but sad I have to employ a strategy when just thought they might reciprocate some of what has been done for them over the years

Mira

Hi Romla, I'm not sure how old your teens are but have you tried talking to them as (young) adults?  Maybe you could sit down as a family and have a discussion about what you need and how they can help etc. 

Romla

Will try - requires them knowing Mum's not quite as competent / strong as they think - small comments over the year have not been picked up and neither has the occasional outburst of angry frustration. Not much has been spoken about what's happened to my health this year - they have been invited to ask whatever they want to know about it all but guess I need to tell them how I feel as well.

Afraser

They are only L plate adults. Like most of us, they want everything the way it normally is. And if you are party to keeping up that happy state of affairs, they will blithely go on as normal. They might well be able to do more as a general contribution to the household. And understanding that things change, adults are not immune from illness or hurt, and that thoughtfulness is a good attribute in life, will help on the way to their P plates. Good luck.

Romla

Thanks afraser they are not bad kids just a mob of ostriches who have had a type A mum who is struggling to keep up the facade.Parenting needs to go on regardless and I will introduce them to this next part of the learning cycle - that adults are fallible and not superheroes who can leap tall buildings in a single bound. If I can get them to see me rather than the image things will change but I also need to stop contributing to the myth.

Afraser

Go for it! They sound like pretty normal, healthy kids to me.

iserbrown

Agree and I do think the idea of an Otis retreat break will help you more so than the teenagers!

melclarity

@Romla I totally hear you! My kids were 11 and 13 at my first diagnosis so a little too young, however they saw what radiation did at the end, I was struggling as I was a single parent and working full time through rads. They helped when they could, they were pretty good. 2nd diagnosis 2015 was way harder on so many levels they were 15 & 17. Like you they were so used to seeing Super Mum, their dad deliberately made it very difficult for me with no assistance with them. My kids are great but as you say they just dont get the complexity of the whole thing and can get pretty self absorbed when youre really wanting them to just KNOW! But the truth is they don't know...it pained me but I had a couple of major meltdowns which shocked them severely BUT they saw Yes Im a strong supermum but Im HUMAN too in a way it was probably good for them. So now I say what I need which is better. 

You need a break agreed!!! When I had my Mastectomy/diep flap recon in late Feb I made the painful decision to let my kids go to their Dads, so hard when Ive raised them!!! but I had to, it nearly killed me going through chemo and managing everything else. It was the best thing for me in terms of healing and really putting time into me now. 

Get a list of things you want done, thats what I used to do haha!!! told them to sort it out who does what...worked a treat. My daughter preferred vacuuming, my son preferred doing the bathrooms LOL. I stopped being nice and made them step up, I figured I didnt raise two lazy, thoughtless kids...they have their moments but they are brilliant! Melinda xo

Molly001

Oh, @Romla, I feel you. Although my kids are only 1 & 4 their dad is just as thoughtless as your teenagers. The second I'm well enough to do something once, that's it, he will just let me from then on. Trouble is, rather than asking for help I just get more determined to do everything myself & do more than I probably should. I don't want help from a lazy self-absorbed ass. Your teenagers just aren't getting it. Spell it out for 'em  & give them jobs to do. Even small jobs like taking out the rubbish & emptying the dishwasher etc will give you times to put your feet up with a cuppa each day. Those small jobs add up to a lot of hours each day. They might not love it, may even protest, but they'll get an appreciation for all you do for them & they will be better more empathetic adults because of it. Their future partners will thank you!! Take care xxxooo

primek

I had a heart to heart talk and told my boys I needed help. Especially as I was now back working. I created a jobs roster and they also cook 1 night a week each which gives me a break. I pay a cleaner to do kitchen bathroom and living room once a week so I can rest more on days off. And if the clean washing piles ip...so be it.