Anxiety through the roof

LisaO

Tomorrow (Wednesday) off to get Whole Body Bone Scan, DEXA and CT Chest abdo and pelvis.  So over invasive tests. I'm not brave at all and am beside myself.  I wish I could pull my big girl pants on and just get over it, but I feel sick with worry. Its not just the thought of the injections, its also the fact that the tests are looking for possible spread.  Any tests these days sends me into deep anxiety which I suppose is part and parcel of the new "normal".
Then on Thursday time to pop my first Tamoxifen and sit back and hope side effects will be kind.  2 months of Tamoxifen on its own then Zoladex injections added for a further 2 months then on Zoladex and Aromasin for the long haul.  
The fear of the unknown.
The mind is so powerful and has stopped me in my tracks.  
I'm hoping that time will help to push the fear of the unknown aside....its so time consuming.
I know on the scale of things, my post would seem trivial considering what others are dealing with.

LMK74

Dear @LisaO, nothing is trivial about bc. I totally sympathize with you on the anxiety. I have a lifelong chronic anxiety disorder that makes life miserable at times. I am not brave either and cried through the biopsies at the start, then when they requested all different scans I was convinced it must be all through me.
Six months of chemo and every infusion I sat in that chair waiting for something terrible to happen. Anxiety is exhausting and now chemo done and mastectomy in two weeks time. Anxiety has ramped up big time as I imagine all different scenarios in my head. I'm scared shitless and wish I could run away. I'm already on zoladex and feared that too,but not so bad but tamoxifen to come also after radiation therapy. 
Big hug 
Lisa xo

Zoffiel

I'm at the stage now where I am willing to take a tranquiliser before I do that stuff. I'm not talking about turning myself into the walking dead, but a wee bit of sedation can do wonders for my ability to cope on days when I'm riddled with Scanxiety. I've still got to deal with the stress before and after the scans, but it stops me climbing the walls on the day.

Yep, I'll own being a sook and I know that many people prefer to avoid extra drugs, but being sick with worry and in a head space where I'm likely to savage any poor soul who looks sideways at me doesn't help anyone. Anyway, I'll blame the unit manager at Oncology for starting me on that track--I was losing the plot on day before chemo the first time I was in treatment and she rattled around, called up a young medic and ended up handing me a pill saying 'For God's sake, swallow that before we all go mad.'

Now if I know that I'm likely to be turned into a gibbering mess I'll organize a pill beforehand. I've sometimes decided not to take it, but knowing it is there if I start to unravel and can get them to leave me alone for half an hour or so is enough. Horses for courses... Marg xxx

brightspace

Big huggs Lisa  sending positive vibes keep busy al the best bright xo

primek

LisaO

That is so true primek.....I really try NOT to remember much about the past "journey"....its a real life horror movie starring ME !!!  Im sure we all here have unfortunately starred in our own horror movies.

iserbrown

Going off your comment in the first post I thought I would put this one up!  Yes we have no choice sometimes we just have to put on our best face as there is no getting out of it.  Remember this is about you and your well being and the path that you are on to eventually being cancer free!  Take care and best wishes

Romla

Hi Lisa - been there not that long ago myself - felt lost and hopeless .- as if there was no future for me .What helped me was a couple of practical friends who pointed me in the direction of looking outside myself and that's when I started to look at this site , the Cancer Council and even found a local bc group . For me the turning point was to know women were coping with the journey , women had made it thru the 5 years but most importantly they were living their lives - that life had not ended. I read women on this site supporting each other daily and sharing ideas to manage side effects.I met a local bc group on the weekend who shared stories and who I'll see moving about my community living their lives. I heard the voice of a fellow bc lady who gone thru my situation a decade ago in another state -her voice tinkled with life and energy and she shared that with me.I know it's not an easy journey and there are tough spots along the way but if we hang in there during our treatment cycle , share with others whom we feel safe to do so with we will get there. I have heard from many it does change your life but many feel they are better because of it. Find things that you enjoy that you can do during tough times - I like reading and music..You are not alone there are many of us. Look outwards - there is a lot of life to enjoy

Brenda5

I admire my dad who scans don't phase one bit. Many years ago during a secret mission he was shot in the leg and couldn't make it back to the helicopter. The bullet went thru and missed the bone so that was ok but he was arrested and spent many months in an Abu Dabi jail until a rescue mission freed him.  He had fought for his life many times in that jail and was such a pest he ended up with his own cell away from the other prisoners. No wonder scans don't worry him. He just goes with the flow. 

viking1

I've had clinically diagnosed depression and agitated anxiety since 26 and am 52 now. My meds control my mood well. However, with the steroid tablets prescribed for 5 days after my chemo I felt like I was 26 again and pacing at 3am, crying and wanting to halt the whole process - worst day was Day 7. Apparently the steroids can do this so I need to consult both my psych and the chemo onc before my next chemo. On Day 14 today I feel fine despite some bits and pieces related to gastro intestinal probs but am working at resolving.  I don't want to be a walking zombie re anxiety meds but if they can get me through that first week it's better than stopping chemo, which I was considering on that nasty day!  I'm sure everyone here is going through anxiety at some point and I'm making use of meditation etc to help myself. But if it is a clinical condition to start off with and being treated with meds, adding the extra steroid probs on top is a double whamee!

melclarity

@Viking1 Why do you take Steroids for 7 days? My Team only prescribed for 2, 3 days at a max no more. Something I found worked the best in everything was Ativan, it helped relax me and I slept relatively ok. Worth asking your Team about. I was excruciatingly ill through Chemo, hospitalized for the first few days after my FEC infusions, then it took me a total of 10 days to be functioning or walking. I couldnt take painkillers as am drug sensitive so it was a long haul especially when I hit Taxol where I suffered non stop 8 weeks of bone, muscle and nerve pain. xx M

Nannatash

Hi lisao I wish u all the best im on tamoxifen all I get of side effects is menapause sweats chemo put me in menapause sweats n one my tumors was infiltrating n invigorating I has mastectomy wish u good outcome hugs x

Unicornkisses

@viking1 I got the post Steroid slump each chemo round. About a day after stopping them my mood dropped like a stone. It was worst the first time, once I realised what was happening it was much easier to deal with. I would schedule something pleasant to deal with the two days it affected me, nice programs on TV, some nice snacks, warm blankets etc. I knew not to try to do anything challenging those days.
It would be nice if the Oncologist or chemo nurses warned you that it can happen, there was nothing mentioned about it in any of the side effects sheets I received.

Zoffiel

The steroids are employed to help minimize the chemo side effects. I had them for 4 days first round then, when it was clear I wasn't coping well with the poison, they were extended.

Just another example of how treatments are tailored for our individual needs and why, though it is interesting to hear what others are prescribed, it is likely to not make any difference to what happens to each individual. It would be unlikely that someone would extend the steroid prescriptions just for the hell of it.

melclarity

Ha!! yes I don't imagine anyone would for the hell of it! I asked as not only my Team wouldnt allow more than 3 days max but the Pharmacist came up and was emphatic that I wasnt to take them beyond those days. So guess I wondered curiously...

viking1

Very interesting diverse comments! I was on the steroid Dexamethasone 4mg x 10 @ 2 tablets daily.  They told me to take the first dose on the night of my first chemo. I think the nurse said there was also anti emetics in the chemo infusion itself but unsure. So I was on them for 5 days of nasty side effects but nothing more unbearable than the agitated anxiety. On Day 7 I was ready to quit chemo. Today at Day 15 I feel great! So there is def something up with me and the steroids. I have ativan and can alternate with diazepam...but really I just wanted to be unconscious! Horse tranquilizer? Some hippy friend suggested CBD oil. Things are expensive enough at this stage.  When I come home from the chemist another $80 has left my pocket. On a Disability Pension it's tight but if we didn't have free treatment I'd be stuffed.