Starting the journey - Waiting
Hi all
My name is Louise and I have just started out on this very scary journey!
A few weeks ago I noticed my left nipple no longer protruded as normal even in the cold and umm when stimulated lol. My dear partner (typical male) suggested it was because I sleep on my left side most of the time!
Being due for my regular PapSmear I asked my GP if she could check it out for me as I couldn't feel a lump. Having examined both breasts thoroughly she quietly suggested I ought to have another Mammogram (the most recent being in Feb 2010) and sent me off to a Womens Breast Testing Clinic. I was starting to feel a tad concerned at this point because I know my Doctor and her demeanour had changed even though she assured me that it could be nothing!
A 7 day wait for my appointment and I managed to put any bad thoughts out of my mind concentrating on my Family, friends, work and my beloved cats.
At the Clinic I was told after the Mammogram that perhaps I should have an Ultrasound...uh oh, alarm bells start to softly chime.
After the Ultrasound, the soft chiming became a loud clanging as the nurse told me very gently that yes, there was "something" there and I must have a Core Biopsy. I was booked in for that in 2 days time. Waiting, waiting, thinking positive all the while.
I sure hope I don't have to have another Biopsy too soon. After two injections of local anaesthetic the doctor still managed to take a sample from a section of my breast which hadn't dozed off.......wow.....give me child birth any day!
3 days to wait now and I am becoming more vague and doing silly things like putting milk in the pantry and sugar in the fridge.!
Finally it's time to see my GP and I can tell straight away by her attitude that things aren't looking too good here. She tells me as gently as she can that I have an Invasive Lobular Carcinoma and that I should see a Surgeon as soon as possible. Being a virgo..lol...I had done some research and already decided on the Hospital I wanted and together my GP and I discovered who we felt would be the best Surgeon for me.
5 days to wait until I see the Surgeon...wow, if only I could sleep until then. Just knock me out and wake me up in time for my appointment!
This was 5 days of numbness, of putting cat biscuits in the washing machine insead of Laundry liquid (not recommended) and mixing coke with my cordial instead of water, not a great taste sensation I can tell you.
So now I know. I have met my Surgeon (lovely lady) and know that in another 7 days time I will be having a Mastectomy and removal of several Lymph nodes. Whew..Is it just me? I have gone into mental meltdown, my brain just refuses to focus...Believe me, I am still doing my "power of positive" thinking routine but I'm not sure its working!!
7 days of waiting. I've told my partner of 6 years, who is being an absolute rock and my closest family and friends, but how do I tell my other friends and work colleagues? How do I cope with my best friend who sobs inconsolably everytime she talks to me? My older sister who usually cries through every movie we ever see together is also being an amazing support. What's going to happen after the surgery, will I be clear, will I need further treatment...it's all a bit much to take in. I read someone, somewhere on this site said "take it one day at time" if only each day wasn't so long, but I'm trying really hard!
Thank god I still have my sense of humour but I would really love to hear from other ladies who are just starting out or have already travelled this journey.
Thanks for reading.
Louise
Comments
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Normal reactions Louise-like being caught up in a twister or something.I've been on this journey twice and the second time ,last year,I handled things a little differently workwise.I spoke to my boss privately and arranged my sick leave and asked her not to say anything.I had to wait 2 weeks for surgery and I didn't think I could stay strong if I had to tell my work mates.So I told them one at a time on my last day of work before surgery -hugs and tears which I predicted but I could then say bye and walk out. There is no right or wrong way.
Try and keep really busy for the next week or the waiting will do your head in. Will chat more.
Tonya xx
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Hi Tonya
Thank you so much for your reply, the first person I've heard from who has been through this experience.
I really appreciate your comments and try to do as you suggest and keep busy! Easier said than done but will make the effort.
I hope things are going well for you now and I will read your blogs to learn from your story.
Thanks again
Louise
xx
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Hi Louise. I was diagnosed in April this year. My story quite similar. I wanted to go on HRT therapy as I was feeling like sh**t. A routine mamogram before hrt found the lump. I was then sent for a ultrasound and then a biopsy all on the same day so I was saved the waiting somewhat but was in shock as this never happens to me!! I had to wait someitime before getting the results as it was over the easter brreak. When I was told it was invasive cancer I was in shock and remained so for weeks. The hardest part was telling my partner and my two children. Both my children are grown up and handled it differently. My son withdrew and went quiet and avoided me and monitored my every move,as in Mum you cant eat that, drink that its not good for your cancer. I just want to hug him and make his concerns go away. My daughter bought me presents and asked loads of questions and offered support in her own way. My partner has been amazing and it is him I am taking this out on! I had a mastectomy on May23rd and a sentinal node biopsy. The biopsy was negative, Phew. Now I am dealing with having had my breast removed. On the one hand it was the best thing as now I dont need radiotherapy as they say they got it all ( god hope they are right on this one!) They tell me chemo would only help 1.8% so I dont need that either (once again hope they are right here!) Now I am left with dealing with phantom boob pain! I get pain and tenderness in my left boob and that is the one that was removed! I am numb where my scar is but that is normal so dont worry. They will give you exercises to do the next day and I highly recommend you do them religously. You will feel a bit stiff but with the exercises that will pass. The op itself is not a big op so you will recover quite quickly physically. They should give you the results of the lymph test the next day as well and I wish you every good luck that the results are good. All I can suggest Louise is that you take it one step at a time and dont look to what-ifs. I do know this is easier said than done but whenever I went to what-if I shut it out and thought of the stage I was at right at that moment. Be kind to yourself. Take things gently. Don't look too far ahead. Treat yourself and lean on those that are there with a strong shoulder. Keep on here and let us know how you are faring and every good luck. My thoughts are with you and I am sending good vibes your way. XX Viv
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Hi Debs
So nice to meet you (so to speak) - I am already feeling a little better about all this by having such lovely ladies like yourself reply so quickly to my posting.
Hope we talk more soon.
cheers
Louisex
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Hi Viv
You sound like one very sensible lady! Everything I read hear makes me feel less alone and not quite so much like I've got this huge C stamped on my forehead..lol..
I will certainly report back as things progress.
cheers
Louise x
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Hi Louise - All the ladies on this website have either 1/ been through, 2/ going through, or like yourself 3/ just starting out.... You will get unconditional support from all of us, its a big rocky road ahead but you sound like you have a fantastic sense of humour (draw on it!) but you will have days when you just want to crumble - that's ok, because we all get those, and just ride it out. I was diagnosed last December and wow, I had to get a diary and keep everything in triplicate because of all the appointments etc - I have just finished my chemo, so I have a very bald head and no eyebrows (or other body hair - like you need to know that!) but down the track you will be asking a LOT of questions, and just heed one little thing - DONT go berserk on the internet, you can end up scaring your own pants off! Some of the info on the internet is fine, but a lot of it will just leave you cowering in the corner and dribbling a lot! So if you want to know something, ask your doctor and don't be afraid to get on here and vent if you want to (we all do!). You will experience a miriad of emotions (that is to be expected) we are all here for you with lots and lots of support and love - keep your chin up! Hugs x x x Josie
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Hi Josie
Thanks for the support - it seems to me you have a great sense of humour also!!
I did have a quick poke around the internet right after my diagnosis but apart from learning exactly what "Lobular" meant the rest was a blur and I decided to wait and ask my doctor. So that is great advise for everyone.
What is surprising me, is how long it all takes, it seems like months and months, even years of treatment. I am amazed how all you ladies still have your SOH and compassion for others. I sincerely hope that now your chemo is finished you wil be clear.
Thanks for your thoughts and hugs, very much appreciated. xLouisex
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Hi Louise,
I love your sense of humour
It put a nice big smile on my face! I was also recently diagnosed with BC (you may wish to see my post also) and am feeling exactly as you are feeling - the biggest emotional rollercoaster ever!I am trying to remain ever positive although can't hide that at times I become an emotional wreck. I find the nights the hardest when my young girls are in bed and I have lots of time to think (and research). I am trying to take each day as it comes and not think too far into the future. I am seeing my Surgeon this coming Thursday who will be able to give me the pathology results from my surgery. The appt couldn't come quick enough..... the wait is agonising!!
In relation to telling people - I too had lots of questions. I was able to tell my immediate family and a couple of close friends, however had my amazing husband tell some other friends and my work and we also asked that these people tell others. I have found it extremely hard to tell people my news without becoming extremely emotional and I didn't really want the stress.
We have been overwhelmed with the amount of love, support, gifts, meals, babysitting offers, etc we have received in the past 9 days - it truly is unbelievable!!
Louise, I know we will both get through this.... I will definitely be keeping up with your progress. We are at very similar stages and although it is awful we are having to deal with this at least we know we are not alone
Keep smiling,
Em
x
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Hi Girls - what more can I say except I had a thought this morning - quite peculiar, I wondered 'How did I tell my friends?' - what did I say to them?, and you know what I can't bloody remember! It was (and still is to some extent) a blur, but remember one important thing - 'baby steps' - the best way to get through the day is one step at a time. I get frustrated because I don't hear from my kids for awhile (I get so sensitive) and then I get frustrated because everyone wants to know "how are you, whats happening now?" and that seems contrite I know, but really - some days I just want to talk about anything BUT cancer......Someone suggested I join a cancer support group - well, I don't know about you - but I would rather join an art group or anything, so as we get to talk about 'other' stuff - I do all my venting and cancer chat on here - so I have the best of both worlds really, so when someone pats me on the heat (metaphorically) and says ".........and how are you REALLY dear" I want to jump up and yell "I'm OK! I am OK!" I usually smile and respond with "Good" and hopefully they will change the subject - after months of surgeries, medical appointments and treatment - one does 'kinda gets over it!' - However, one day a friend rang me and I had to control myself from going into hysterical stitches as she said to me "Now dear, don't let this take over your life!....." Yeh! that was funny - even hubby turned around and said "Yeh, I wish - all those bloody appointments etc, as if!" Bless him, I totally agreed but people say the darndest things don't they - and I still sit here with a grin on my face, nodding at the laptop and thinking - "Now dear, don't let this take over your life".........amazing. I have a sister (who I think has a mental issue - but that's another story) and she has been banging on at me for a few WEEKS saying she 'thinks' she has cancer and they have been 'putting off' the test because of this and that - Well, ladies, we all know they don't 'put off' anything when it comes to cancer...........anyway this sister said "Oh, now we have a competition!" and laughed - (yeh, right, really funny!) I told her to stick her 'competition' where the sun doesn't shine! You don't blame me do you? - but yes, it's frustrating the things people say - the sad part is, they will keep saying them, they will keep saying stuff that more than raises the (in my case 'hairless') eyebrows. They know not what they do - just expect it, and my opinion is thus: If you don't like what they say - darn well say so, what can they do to you? You are going through this, and it is much bigger than their stupid flippant silly coments, well meaning or not. What do you reckon - this site is the only site where I get 'TRUE SUPPORT' x x x Josie
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Hi josie
I just read your reply - you do make me smile - what a breath of fresh air you are. xxxx
Hope you having a good weekend x
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I like making people smile (and laugh) if I stripped naked and ran down the street we could all have a giggle - but that wont happen mother's would grab their children and run for cover - men would cringe, but we'd think it was funny! (lol!) x x x
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Hi Emma
Glad you appreciate the humour, what would we do without it? I too am now relying on my closest family to tell other family members and my partner telling our friends.
I really do hope all is good new on Thursday, I will be thinking of you as I doze off for mine! I will certainly be reading your posts with all fingers crossed. At least I'm not losing them! lol....I am sitting in my study watching a white parrot through the window. I leave a hanging seed bowl in a tree outside and this parrot appears injured in some way as he/she can't seem to reach the bowl. It is slowly inching it's way closer (it cannot seem to fly but must of arrived somehow) My heart bleeds for it and I will not stop watching until it has reached the food. I somehow feel our illness makes us empathise more?
I know the waiting is agonising, but you WILL get through this week OK, stray strong girl.
Big hugs
xLouisex
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Josie, if you ran naked down the street I would fall about in hysterics! and probably join you although at this stage I still have hair...boy I am so looking forward to that loss...NOT !!! but hey I always wanted to try scarves and wigs and stuff...maybe I could go blonde this time round.
As for the stupid comments people say, well, I just tend to bite my tongue and smile indulgently at them. I've only been on this roller coaster for a couple of weeks and I'm already over hearing about everybody else who knows someone who had breast cancer and they did this and they did that.....aaarrrrrrrhhhhh. I am truly only interested in you wonderful ladies here and now! Here we can laugh, cry, vent our frustrations and share each others feelings.
Keep the humour coming, I know, I for one am going to need it in the coming weeks.
Hugs and smiles
xLouisex
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We are here for you! so don't be afraid to get on here and 'vent'! its ok and we all do it - it is the one refuge that we have! Good luck darling, our hearts are with you x x x Josie
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Dear Louise,
We can all understand the intensity of the emotions you are going through right now. Hang on to that sense of humour and stay positive (it does help!!). I was diganosed in Sept last year. Had an appointment for an ultrasound and this wonderful Dr suggested I do a mammogram and a biopsy...and it did not see to worry me - for some odd reason. Got the results a few days later and when my GP gave us the diagnosis and I saw my husbands face - decided right then and there that I was not going to let this "thing" get the better of me or my family. Had a lumpectomy - and they found this tiny bit of ca in thesentinel node - so went in again to have the nodes removed. Had chemo which finished in Jan, RAdiation completed on the 13th April and am all good and feel normal again - went back to work in March after 3 months off. Time has gone by so fast - am back to zumba again and feeling great with my new curly hair!!! I know this may sound a bit weird or crazy...but this is the best thing that has happend to me - has helped me take stock and re-evaluate what is important - its Family all the way!! You will find the most beautiful supportive people and you will also find people who find it hard to approach you - everyone is different. We are so lucky to have so much help and support in Australia - the doctors, nurses and therapists are truly amazing. Walk through each day one step at a time - and try to lead as normal a life as possible (thats a decision we made as a family) - embrace the good days and accept the not so good days. Pray - love and Don't let it get to you....no matter what!! We are all sending you Rainbows of love and support and blessings. Wiht much love ....Peggy
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