Day 8 - battle weary
Day 8 - after round four.
Getting battle weary now.....tired of the ups and downs, tired of what you do to my mind and emotions.
My body feels like it's been thrown under a bus most days, but some days a spark of the old me appears only to be extinguished again by the never ending fatigue.
Treatment is tough...It's excruciating and super scary...There are days where I do feel like giving up...It's all too hard...Some days I feel everything is OK, everything is gaining clarity. Others I feel like curling up and crying, the next I feel like running and hiding.
Some days I'm am so angry at everything and cannot explain why. I want my 'old' life back...'old' meaning the one only 4 months ago.....The mental anguish is sometimes more crippling than the fatigue.
Yesterday was an angry day again...All I can say to my family is sorry....sorry for my grumpy outbursts... sorry for snapping at you all over the most trivial of things....
I'm walking a very thin line here while being constantly poked in the back to lose balance. I am also only to aware that you all are maybe feeling the same way...Your support is everything, so please don't think it goes unnoticed and unappreciated....
Yesterdays turmoil must have worn me out as I had a good night's sleep, only waking once to attend to the itchy rash again. I had a pain free night, no painkillers, not even panadol 
Constipation cured too! I've been in movicol since chemo started.. So don't know why I suffered, maybe because I'm not eating properly...
Alarm clock yelled at us it's 5:00 am, I hit snooze.....Hubby got up and was gone by 5:30 am.....I tried to go back to sleep, couldn't...got up and changed the sheets on the bed....what a marathon! got back into bed and tried to sleep...just kind of dozed for about and hour.......
Hunger pangs (Yes, I'm hungry!) *insert trumpet fanfare here* actually told me to get up.....so I did. I really wish I could taste my food though! Blah!
I had thoughts racing through my head, which is probably why I couldn't get back to sleep!
I get what I call 'white noise' in my head, you know the sound a tv makes when it's not on a channel..then there's the constant "chattering" ...like a room full of people talking at a whisper all at once....For those who know me well, know that I am very spiritual and I get my intuitions from these.....Some days though it becomes too much and so, this is something I have learned to block out, but today I cannot, I must have some things to sort out, then the chatter will go away....so today might be art therapy day...
Today, even though I feel OK, I will take it easy...maybe get back onto the drawing I started of Pink Troopers Boots...ideas for that were racing through my head too, so I guess it must be a sign!
I don't really feel anything today, I just AM.....So I will take that and run with it because you never know which direction the wind will change to in this storm......sail on
Hope you all have a good day..
Xx 
xX
Comments
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One Day At A Time. Yep. I reckon we should get trauma counselling yet its only a needle we get, not a gun so we just have to battle on.
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Sounds like you are turning a corner. Glad the pain and constipation is sorted. I get that white noise chatter too. I have to turn on the light and read so I can tune out when it happens. But I can never read chemo week...I have no idea why...just don't feel I can. Being angry is perfectly normal. I just keep bursting into tears...if my husband is just a little snappy. ..well the flood gates open. My poor family are constant tippy toeing around me. Hang in there. Each day your body is recovering. Kath
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It's impossible to understand the effects of chemo until you go through it. I've just had 6 months of the stuff and I'm still trying to get my head around it!
It's a rainbow of emotions and side effects. Just remember that this is life changing and you are showing how strong you really are.
Sending hugs. Stay strong xo
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"The managing of self (physical & spiritual) that comes with cancer takes an inordinate amount of time – even between treatments." It takes all our time to the exclusion of family & friends and is exhausting. One day we will think & talk about something else, we will be us again, it will just be different.
Take care, Jane
The quote is from The Unwelcome Guest a monthly column about Georgia Blain’s life with cancer in The Saturday Paper.
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