Don't be afraid to 'loose it'!
Gee we can really be our own worst enemies sometimes. We try to hide our fears and struggles from those around us. It is pretty natural to want to protect our children (even if they are adults) from the scary side of bc, but I wonder if this is always the right way to go about things. If we continue to bottle up all those negative feelings it can lead to a pretty spectacular explosion.
But how can those around us ever get any sort of understanding of what it is REALLY like for us if we continuously shield them from anything negative? My daughters were 18 and 20 when I was diagnosed, so old enough to understand the situation and be capable of helping out too.
From the get go I let them see a lot of what was happening. They were obviously old enough to know that this was serious and that it was scarey. So I let them see that I was scared, we cried together but I also stressed that with their help I would get through the treatment and it would be ok in the long run. When I was having a bad day, I let them know. Hey, today I am really not going to be capable of anything much at all. Those were the days that my eldest daughter made sure I had some good DVDs to veg out with ( so many times I actually saw hardly anything but the start and end credits!).
Then when active treatment ended I tried to let them see that I still needed their help. If those closest to us, at least, see and understand that recovery is not going to happen overnight then life can be a lot less frustrating. I had a few minor meltdowns that left them in no doubt that some things were a real struggle for me.
Together we set goals that helped all of us to feel better about life after the trauma of treatment. My eldest daughter was the driving force behind our step by step change to a healthier diet. It probably took the best part of a year to reach a point where I could take over most of the shopping and cooking again (we make 90% of our food from scratch using 'real' not processed foods).
My hubby became my exercise buddy. We progressed from short walks along the beach to 20km hikes in the bush! Again this happened over a long period and was driven largely because I let him see how much I needed this. After a few meltdowns when life threatened to get 'too busy' and our daily walk was the sacrifice, he made it a priority!! I guess I sound a bit self centered but he is the first to admit that he now realises just how beneficial this time is to him as well (he has a lot of stress with running his own business). It gives us uninterrupted time together and boy do we solve some problems along the way, as well as share a lot of laughter.
My youngest daughter (21 now) probably struggled the most with how to deal with it all. She was in her first year of uni and lived away from home during my treatment. She had a pretty major crisis and meltdown herself after that year. She had some counseling and we had lots of heart to hearts. She has made some fairly big changes to her life (deferred uni, travelled overseas, decided on a slightly different career path) and is now pretty happy with everything.
I guess we have all learnt that it's ok to let your emotions out. That there are actions you can take to help yourself and others cope with the challenges in life. Our life never was and never will be perfect. But we are closer than ever, not scared to let our emotions out and know that no one can possibly understand unless you let them. Life is not always under control but that's ok.
I've shared this in case it helps someone else who is struggling with emotions at any stage of this process. Deanne xxx
Comments
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Hi Deanne,
thank you for this beautiful post !
Today is my day of struggling and it is so good to read your message !
Thank you.
Michaela
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