Cancer stole my self love :(
Hi Ladies,
hoping for some help.
I was diagnosed in Feb with Stage 2B invasive BC and since then I've had a double mastectomy and have just finished my 6th and final round of TAC Chemotherapy.
Treatment has been very tough as I'm sure all of you who've been through it can relate to, but the hardest thing for me has been looking into the mirror at my face 
Im in my 30's and have always been what people would describe as beautiful - I guess you could say it's my identity...I used to feel proud walking down the street, I would take pride in my appearance - in short I loved myself both inside and out.
Losing my breasts was hard, being sick from chemo was tough, and the uncertainty of the future is beyond words, but I have to say what torn me into peices more than anything has been losing my hair.
I've lost my eyebrows, my eyelashes and my mane of long blonde hair and I have to say it's been SO SO painful for a woman like me.
Ive done all the right things, did heaps of research, got a great wig and have scarves/hats etc, I even have false eyelashes I can use - I know all about make up and can do myself up to look pretty normal if I put in enough effort.
The trouble is that I no longer want to try, I have given up on myself. I look at myself in the mirror with my bald head and I don't love the person looking back at me anymore. I've fallen out of love with....well, me 
I have a beautiful fiancé who loves me unconditionally and has been very supportive but it doesn't help how I feel about myself you know?
From someone who used to care, I just don't anymore, I've given up and I generally avoid mirrors as they make me cry.
Can anyone relate to this? People say....'ohhh your hair will grow baaaack, least it's not permanent!', it makes me so angry, it will take 5 years to be long - 5 years...and I had my wedding planned for this year but it's been postponed since my diagnosis, I can't very we'll be a bald bride, not me, I need to be my beautiful self again - I don't want cancer in my photos, even a wig would remind me. Chemo has made me put on about 10 kilos too.
Anyway I guess I'm just wondering how you rebuild back to someone you used to be proud of? It's seems like such a long road for a young woman like me - I feel so lost.
I just want to know am I alone in these feelings?
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Hello,i just wanted to say hello,and NO,you are definitely not alone.I am 60, so I don't want to say I know how you feel,because you are so much younger than me,but I just wanted to let you know that in a couple of years( which is where I am now from diagnosis) you will be in a better place than you are now.I know that many ladies will be here soon to offer support,and they will be closer in age to you.Please don't give up,because things will only improve from here. Sending you a big hugxxxRobyn
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No, you are not alone. You are young and beautiful, and it's hard to lose the mirror image that you are so used to seeing, but you have to remember that it's temporary, and it is in exchange for your life. You have a loving and supportive partner which is invaluable, and the rest will come back slowly but surely. In the meantime you might be surprised how many people love you for yourself however you look.
Put on the eyelashes and hair for your wedding photos, and be proud of how far you have come. You are a warrior. Sending you a big hug.
xxx Michelle
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Hi, you aren't alone but you will be ok. I finished chemo in April and my hair is now a cute pixi cut. I thought I'd hate it and friends thought it wouldn't suit me but I get loads of compliments and may keep it this way. Just give yourself time as you may be very surprised! My eyebrows have even come back a better shape and no waxing/shaping needed for now! Take it one day at a time, put your wig and makeup on - it does make you feel better and some days I couldn't be bothered but it did improve my mood! You'll get there and you may just look better than ever! Lx
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Hi beautiful girl,
You' re certainly not alone in your feelings. Although I'm 48 , married with teenage kids, I can soooo relate. Coping with a cancer diagnosis is hard enough without having to cope with the physical effects of the treatment. Please don't give up.
I can relate to the comments from friends about hair loss being temporary. 'you have such a cute shaped head!" (I just want my hair back)It really gives a public face to what you're experiencing. Put on that lippy, wig, eye lashes. Do what you have to do.
Yesterday I attend a Look good Feel Better workshop. Initially it was confronting sitting in a room with other women bald like me. But the experience was truly inspiring, meeting other women experiencing the effects of various cancer treatments.
I know you feel like your life is on hold. That's another thing I'm trying to grapple with.
I'm planning to speak to a psychologist at my next chemo treatment to help try to deal with the present, future. Although I have the full sport of my husband & a gaggle of bosom buddies, I think it might help.
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Chemo brain, I posted comment without finishing!!
Sending you big cyber hugs yor way,
Be kind to yourself
Karen xx
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Oh my goodness, what can I say?
Im in my early 50's, and thought I was going to find it very hard to lose my identity. I didn't have beautiful hair or a georgeous face, but I did'nt want it to change. However, now I've lost my hair, my only concern is getting rid of this cancer. To live. My husband and kids and friends are wonderful. Without them, where would we be?
my thoughts are that if you definitely don't feel comfortable with a wedding just yet, hold off for the time being. Your thought processes over time will change too.
i will be going on A look good, feel better seminar in a few weeks and am so looking forward to that as those people are the best at what they do and can give you that self confidence you so need.
you are not alone. Best thing is to keep writing down what you feel on here because no one knows better than those of us that have been/are going through it.
i wish you well, keep fighting. Lots of hugs,
xx
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Although older at diagnosis 50, i can happily say that sometimes change is put on us for a reason - to become less self absorbed, to consider others, to force us to change so many things about ourselves.
Like you I mourned the loss of my very slow growing long hair - but now so many people who did and didnt know me before - say how much they like my short curly locks and how EVIOUS they are that I dont need to wax or shave anymore and above all at almost 60 still have very few grey hairs so unlike them dont (&cant afford to) pay a fortune at the hairdresser.
if you love him DO NOT put off your wedding for vanity sake. Lie is too short to deny yourself love. You may find some issues if like me you have a chemo induced menopause But think of the alternative at least you are alive and you may as ell live each day to the fullest. in the future you will be able to look back and see how long your hair has become or how much better you feel 1 year 2 years etc down the track.
thinking of you and understanding a bit as my sons now both are married as are several of their cousins - next wedding in October.
wishing you well and sending lots of ehugs
Carol
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Hello and welcome, I just wanted to send you a cuddle and let you know that all the people around you love YOU the person you are. They can see your beauty that glows from inside out. I used to have long wavy brunette hair past my shoulders. A Grade 3A cancer has meant all the bells and whistles treatment. I know am the proud owner of 2 wigs and get a lot of enjoyment out of confusing people by varying the shoulder length one with the short one. Just concentrate on getting well, and don't postpone your wedding for too long. Embrace your second chance at life. I believe that our lives are like a book, just remember that YOU get to write the chapters, make each page one to remember. Lotsa hugs, Tracey B ????
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Hello gorgeous, You are the same person on the inside, which is beautiful, even if you don't feel it at the moment. We have all felt the same at one time or an other during our treatment. Life is so short & putting an emphasis on the things that are important, is what you should focus on. Life is about adapting to change, embrace the new you. Your fiance is a gem......Loving you unconditionally. (Others aren't as fortunate). Give yourself little goals to achieve to focus on other things in your life. Hide all the mirrors & don't forget to smile. x
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Hi Christinem, I find your words inspirational. I am a young woman who will soon lose her hair in a couple of weeks because of chemo treatment. I had long, brown hair that was definitely a part of my identity. I have now cut my hair twice in preparation for losing my hair. I don't like my short hair at all and I know I will cry when I ask my husband to shave my hair, but I have bought a wig, a hat and some scarves to give me some options. I am still upset about losing my hair, but since starting chemo, I just want to survive this journey. My first round of chemo was so incredibly tough and the experience has changed my perspective. I just need to survive this! My biggest concern about losing my hair is that my 6 year old daughter has been crying and scared about the reality that I will lose my hair. My daughter is afraid she won't recognise me and that breaks my heart. Thankfully, she loves my new wig though. She is even encouraging me to buy eye lashes. Thank you for your post. You are obviously a wonderful mum to your daughter. xxxx
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Hi Bowers, I'm just reconnecting with this site as I hadn't logged in for a while. I just read your post & it struck a chord, so I just want you to know that I 'get it'.
I was diagnosed last November with stage 3C breast cancer at the ripe age of 29. I too, had long blonde hair, perky breasts & a great set of eyebrows (even if I do say so myself - ha). Breast cancer stole all of those lovely, beautiful & feminine things from me & it was (and still is) hard...but I promise you little by little you will claw your identity back from
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Agh, my post 'posted' too quickly. But I felt all of those things that you're feeling right now, I would break down in shops with my bald head and scar staring back at me in the change rooms, my husband would find me crying in the bathroom when attempted to draw on my eyebrows, I would stare at old photos & mourn the old carefree me - what you're feeling is all completely normal. I still struggle with this new version of myself but I am slowly learning to love me again & be proud of everything this body has accomplished. I promise you that you will too. Don't think too far ahead, sometimes life has a way of working out & your wedding day will be beautiful, with or without long hair. I promxxx
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