Fed up!
Well ladies, I would bang my head against the wall, but the wall would probably break. I am set for my next Chemo on Wednesday - and my oncologist wants me to start Herceptin. The thing is, I had heart surgery as a child - so they did an ultrasound on the heart - the results were heart function of 45% - it has to be at least 50% for the Herceptin, so now there is a mad rush to test and re test, because another test showed 60% - I only found this out today - have already been up to the hospital to have the heart monitor put on for 24 hours - in the meantime I find we have to go to a major town (an hour and a half drive there) after I have the monitor removed tomorrow for another ultrasound on the heart (sigh) all this travelling! I get so tired - I have my mother-in-law coming for a visit and will arrive in about half an hour - I hope she realises we haven't time for 'sight seeing' - its so full on! I feel like I am about to explode! Yesterday was bad enough when I had an attack of the 'sads' - I am so sick of being prodded, poked, stuck with needles, nudged, fudged, X-Rayed until I glow in the dark..................am trying to take big deep breaths! God grant me strength!
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Hi Josie i know exactly how you feel. i have been having weekly chemo and have 3 and a half hours to travel there and 3 and a half back again. then have to organise someone to get my son to and from school. i finished today yay!
now i have herceptin 3 weekly and 6 and a half weeks of radiation plus scan tests and heart scans its crazy!!! But i didnt look at the whole picture just each treatment and each week at a time.
the travelling is hard and draining and stressful the 2nd day i have to have a day in bed to catch up on the fatigue,but im trying my best to keep on top of it and keep looking that this is a means to and end and to enjoy a healthy cancer free life.
you will get through this i dont know where our strength comes from but is there. look forward to the good days and try to just go with the bad and let it all out.everyones journey is differant and we have to just do the best we can. sending you lots of strength annie xx
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Hi Josie i know exactly how you feel. i have been having weekly chemo and have 3 and a half hours to travel there and 3 and a half back again. then have to organise someone to get my son to and from school. i finished today yay!
now i have herceptin 3 weekly and 6 and a half weeks of radiation plus scan tests and heart scans its crazy!!! But i didnt look at the whole picture just each treatment and each week at a time.
the travelling is hard and draining and stressful the 2nd day i have to have a day in bed to catch up on the fatigue,but im trying my best to keep on top of it and keep looking that this is a means to and end and to enjoy a healthy cancer free life.
you will get through this i dont know where our strength comes from but is there. look forward to the good days and try to just go with the bad and let it all out.everyones journey is differant and we have to just do the best we can. sending you lots of strength annie xx
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Hi Josie, wow with what you are going through i think you can be forgiven for an attack of the sads, i have them and my path seems so easy compared to you, keep your chin up and know my thoughts and prayers are with you all the way. Good luck with all your tests and i will be thinking of you on Wednesday when we both have to go through the chemo again.. Take care Sandy X
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Oh Annie - how dare I winge about how far I have to travel then I read how far you have had to travel - whooa! I nearly fell off my chair!, I only have to go 1 and 1/2 hours to get there.......I feel very sheepish now! I bet you are in SO MANY ways glad you are over the chemo - at least I can have my chemo in my local (bush) hospital. I will think of you tomorrow, and remind myself to pull my head in! I have to go to another town for the radio therapy after the chemo - for 4 to 6 weeks (not looking forward to that, but they will put us up in accomodation) - I am having all the heart tests to find out if I am going to have Herceptin every three weeks for the next year - I am seriously thinking, I shall cross that bridge when I come to it. I read some of the stories on here, and a lot of them give me hope, inspiration and like yours I think my distance thing isn't too bad - at least the big major town I go to is only 140+ k's, but apparently up until last year the locals here had to travel to Melbourne - over 300 k's so like I said, maybe I need to pull my head in! I feel wonderfully inspired by you and I hope in all sincerity that every thing goes really well, you deserve it! I send you heartfelt wishes and wonderful vibes x x x Josie
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Yes Sandy I will be thinking of you - do you go to sleep through your chemo? I did for my first one and am hoping I shall be as relaxed this next tine around, I took crossword, sewing and reading to do but it just sat on my lap as I snored the place down! x x x J
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Hi Josie, My thoughts are with you. We all do find strength - God only knows where from? I found it really hard being away from home for 6 weeks for radiation (8 hours by car ). I used to cry every day travelling the 30minutes from my sister's through traffic on my own but I also thought how wonderful I was doing the city traffic driving. The bonus was that I could see my two little grandchildren most days. Now that I am home and on chemo I miss them terribly. You have every right to be sad, angry etc etc. Let it out girl!!! This is a b....... of a journey but it is also a very loving ride if you take a minute to look around. I have met some amazing people on my journey and continue to marvel at their feats. When I am in my bad days after chemo, I just go with the flow - do nothing, eat and drink what I can and just survive. Then when I come out of the "prison" I am so overjoyed to feel well and try to be as normal as I can and do what I can and what I want to. Tell you a funny story, I went out shopping today in my headgear of scarfs etc. I always try to look as best as I can when I leave the house so off I went. I just happened to look up at my reflection in a shop window and thought "Gee I'd better get home quick before someone recognises me" - I didn't even look like the old me but I am surviving until the old me comes back. Hang in there XLeonie
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I know what you mean Leonie - I don't even recognise myself! I did a 'self portrait' painting at art the other day and I did it from a photo taken Feb 2010 - everyone at the art class said, "Oh! is that a relative?' I kid you not - I felt like my heart dropped into my boots! No one realised it was me in the photo! (forget the painting!) I tell you, a couple of days later I had a big bawl in the bedroom when my husband went up the street to do some shopping, I didn't know you could actually cry 'from your boots' but I certainly did! I felt really sorry for myself and did the 'why me' thing - my husband came home and found me, all puffy-eyed and not-a-happy-camper, he just gave me a big hug. I have found this journey sometimes feels like a bloody road to hell and back. One day I am sparking on all six, the next I am down in the dumps - I am all over the place! If I get the 'blues' I tend to feel guilty the next day - is that normal? But as you ladies would know, I wouldn't know normal if it jumped up and smacked me in the face. Yes, so I have a laugh and think wow, you really look a mess kiddo - but the next day I get on with it, and forget I am wearing that 'beanie' that seems to be glued to my head. Yep! the emotions are all over the show, I tried to explain myself to one of my daughters over the phone tonight, and I succeeded in making her cry - I never meant that to happen! Poor kid, what must be going through her head - I bet she wouldn't recognise me at the moment, I sure have a hard time recognising myself! I feel lately I am losing the plot.....or I may have already lost it?????? well keep plodding along on that journey and see how whacky I am at the end of it - one things for sure, I will never be the same person again - already I feel very different about every thing! x x x
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I agree Tonya - I thought that the other day, I wonder if they will think (with all their technology) how barbaric this all seemed - it seems barbaric to me now!
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Hi Josie, first time my daughter came with me so i had someone to talk to most of the time which was good, the nurse i had was named Sandra as well so we had a good chat there as well, so i spent most of my treatment talking, anyone who knows me would just laugh and think thats Sandy she never shuts up lol, this time my best friend is coming with me so god help anyone else in the room lol she can talk more than me.
Chin up we will come through this, maybe not exactly the same person that started it but one hell of alot stronger woman. Sandy X
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.......and think of the lovely friends we make on the way x x x
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oh for sure the ladies on here feel like family, always ready with so much helpful advise, i would be lost with out you all xxx
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hi Leonie...... Well what a woman this is!!!, and you might not look like our own lovely Leonie, but anyone who knows you wont even notice you dont look the same. i always look in on your blogs, and not only are you going through this, but you are a great member of our little bcna community liaison and network champions club. So GOOD ON YOU GIRL!!!!! you'll be back in that little pink Tutu looking glam by the time October comes around. Take Care Moira XXX
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So sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I know what you mean about doing a runner, if only it worked. I get so angry with what has happened and the people that say you are going to be ok your lucky you did not have chemo or radiation so you must be ok now, forget the fact you have had a masectomey just move on. Yes I agree with you the treatmeant seems to be barabric.
I am waiting on results for bowl cancer tests ,should know more on the 25th of this month and waiting to have a gene test as I have lot of cancer in my family.My oncoligist said if it comes back positive I should look at having the other breast off and a hysterectomyas well. I am on antidepressions at the moment and seeing a shrink as I have just found it all too much.
We all have different journeys , but are so lucky we have each other , as I know I would not cope without this sight and the support we get. It is good we can be so honest about how we feel .
Iam sending you the biggest hug and hope things get better for you very soon. Debbie
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Hi Josie just stopping by to wish you all the best for today, will be thinking of you. Sandy X
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Dearest Friends, and what wonderful friends you are - each time I read a blog or your comments, I can't be helped feeling how amazing you all are - we really are a in a very 'special' group. Yes it is true, with most operations etc, you recover and move on, but this thing keeps dragging on and on and on! I had to race over to Ballarat for another Echocardiogram - to see if I could have the Herceptin for my chemo yesterday. Well my oncologist was here in town so he didn't get the results in time so he has postponed the Herceptin for a couple of weeks. In the meantime the Cardiologist rang and said it was fine for the Herceptin to go ahead. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry; on one hand the Herceptin will reduce the cancer returning, on the other hand, I get to be restricted in travel as I have to have it every three weeks (intraveinously) and have to have it at my hospital and no where else. As I don't like flying (big wossie on planes have panic attacks as I am claustrophobic and hate heights), and only travel to Queensland by bus or car - I wont be making any mad dashes up the Newell Highway to see my children and grandchildren this side of a year - the only thing I can do is try and save and send them a return flight to come and see me some time. My Mother-in-Law came to stay for a few days, Michael has just driven her to the station - (she live in Newcastle NSW) and I must give her her due, she behaved herself pretty well, usually she has the effect of running fingernails down a blackboard on me and I have to 'button up' for not wanting to upset my husband as he is very close to her. So I behaved myself as well, as it is the only way to go if you want peace! Meanwhile I had my second Chemo yesterday and am not bouncing off the walls this time around, rather flat to say the least but it is all part of the process (process, what a bloody inane word!) any way ladies they told me to see my GP about getting some 'happy pill's, they reckon I need it, and as I sat there all hooked up with my mate 'the drip', after having been given something to relax me - I grinned serenely and said "Oh, yes please, this is sooooo nice!". They thought that was funny - and yes, so do I! I want to go and watch some funny movies now, must get those endorfins to kick in! Lots of love and returned beautiful hugs to you all!
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