Lists of things not to say to cancer patients and why to ignore them
Yesterday this article appeared on my Facebook wall:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11076/5-things-you-should-never-say-to-people-with-cancer.html
It seemed to me like a pretty negative article for a site that’s usually accused of being all rainbows and unicorns. I was going to comment, suggesting that the author was still angry about her treatment and might like to give it some time before she offers advice. Cancer is hard. Anger is inevitable.
I was a bit shocked by some of the comments on the article, and on the Facebook post. This poor woman got slammed. Every so often someone suggests to me that I could attract more readers by promoting my blog, rather than just letting it grow quietly in this hidden corner of the garden. It’s even been suggested by close friends that I start a Youtube channel and upload videos of myself giving advice. When you see the comments on an article like this one you’ll understand why I don’t. There are some nasty people out there.
Perhaps the article should be called “5 things you should never say to me if I have cancer”. The first mistake this author made was assuming to speak for all of us.
I once wrote something similar about what I did or didn’t want people to say to me. Regular followers of this blog will remember it. By the time I’d had recurrence and more surgery I was just grateful for the friends that stuck by me. They could say whatever they wanted to me!
I think one of the reasons that some people leave our lives is that they’ve become so anxious about saying the wrong thing. Articles like this one don’t help.
So let me apologise for my previous advice about what not to say and replace it with the following.
THINGS IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO SAY TO SOMEONE WITH CANCER:
1. How are you feeling today?
This is preferable to a general ‘How are you?’ because it’s specific to the present and allows you to then offer help if needed.
2. What can I do to help?
Or just find something to do to help. I had two friends turn up and weed the garden. Other people dropped off frozen meals or drove me to treatment. It was all appreciated.
3. I don’t know what to say.
Just say it. Be honest. Be authentic. You’ll probably get a response like “Yeah, I know. Me neither.” and then you can have a conversation about something else.
4. What would you like to talk about?
Sometimes the answer will be ‘cancer’ and sometimes the answer will be ‘anything but cancer’ but people will appreciate you asking.
5. Would you like a cuddle?
We’re not contagious or toxic and affection can be wonderful for helping to cope with pain – just not if you’ve got a cold or flu because catching a cold can kill someone on chemo.
6. Please let me know if you want me to go. I won’t be offended.
Sometimes treatment is exhausting and we find company tiring.
7. You look great!
I think the protocol for this one is simple. If I’ve clearly gone to some effort with my appearance then tell me how great I look. That was the whole point of making all that effort. If I’m just hanging around the house in my track suit then probably best not to comment.
8. I love you.
This never gets old. And you don’t want to regret not saying it.
Most importantly, don’t abandon us if you can possibly avoid it. Some people are going to. They’ll find it too difficult or confronting. They’ll find it brings up memories of someone they loved that died of cancer. They’ll want to protect themselves from the possibility of having to weep at our funerals and comfort our loved ones so they’ll suddenly or gradually distance themselves.
Please know that it’s your friendship that matters, and our friendship for you includes always remembering that people sometimes make mistakes, and sometimes say things that might upset us, but if we remember their love for us it really doesn’t matter.
Friendship also means you might need to remember that cancer will make us sad and angry and oversensitive and sometimes hard to be around. We might take offence at the smallest thing. It’s really our problem and not yours. Just hang in there and say whatever you like.
By all means say, “I understand that you’re upset but it’s not okay to talk to me like that.” Cancer does not give us licence to behave badly. It just gives you a reason to forgive us when we do.
Most of all, ignore the lists of things to say and things not to say. Some people hate any comment on their appearance, some people don’t want to be asked about help, some people might be angry that you don’t know what to say. Some won’t. We’re all individuals. Nobody speaks for all of us. That’s why my list includes the word ‘might’.
At some point there are no ‘wrong’ things to say to us. We’re just so happy that you’re still in our lives.
Reblogged from https://positive3neg.wordpress.com
My blog about staying positive during (and after) treatment for triple negative breast cancer
Comments
-
Dear everyone,
I haven't been here for a while and I just discovered I had 233 unanswered messages! Somewhere during the site upgrade I stopped getting notifications.
I'd like to apologise to anyone that left me a message and was upset or worried by my failure to respond. I'm fine. I'm just not spending as much time on the internet as I used to.If you'd like to stay in touch with me then here's my Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Positive3negative/548288675239161
Any time I write a blog entry I post to that page. I don't always post it here as well.
So sorry if anyone was concerned for me. Here's a photo showing you how well I'm looking. I've lost 16 kilos on the 5:2 diet and check out the post chemo hair!
Best wishes to everyone. Love, Meg. XXX
Meg
0 -
PS: I can't respond to the old messages because the links don't work.
0 -
Well,well,well!! This has made my day:):) I'm so glad to hear that you are well.You look fantastic.There are so many changes with the online network,but it's getting there.I miss your amazing posts Meg.Couldnt we just have one?? Anyway it was lovely to hear from you.Cheers Robynxox
0 -
Hi Meg
Thank you for the interesting article.
You look great. 16 kgs - wow !
I am curious - what is the 5:2 diet ?
Keep trying as the system is getting better as they iron out the wrinkles.
Stay positive
Summer :-)0 -
Can I jump in here? The 5:2 is a way of eating where you eat normally( sensibly) for 5 days,then for 2 days you can only have 500 calories per day.There was another lady on here recently that also had great results with it.Robyn
0 -
Hi Meg,
So good to hear from you! Have followed you on fb and glad to hear you are doing so well. The 5:2 really works doesn't it, and no hardship - I have lost 8.5kgs and reached my ideal healthy weight and BMI. I enjoyed our chats on coriolus mushrooms and Mayo Clinic trials. Please keep in touch when you have time. Wishing you all the best.
Michelle xx
0 -
Hi Meg,
have been wondering how you are. Nice to see you checking in. You look great and love the hair. I have always enjoyed our chats about triple neg cancer. (More than I enjoyed having it, like you twice.) I know you love stats about it, espescially good ones. I am now 6 1/2 years post first diagnosis and 4 years post recurrence. It's a great feeling.
Always like reading your blogs
Paula xxx
0 -
You are a bright light for us all Paula! xxx Michelle
0 -
Oh thank so much, Robyn. I've just started blogging again over at my Positive3negative site after an extended break. I hope you're well too. X
0 -
Robyn has given you a response that describes one version of 5:2. For more information, google 'The Fast Diet'. Their web site has loads of information and promotes an online 'club' for people that don't want to go it alone. It's UK based but Aussie participants are welcome. Essentially it involves intermittent fasting. Here's a link to my blog post about it if you'd like to read about my experience with ithttps://positive3neg.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/is-there-a-fast-way-to-reduce-cancer-risk/
It's about SO much more than just losing weight. The evidence keeps building for it being an effective way to prevent cancer or to reduce the risk of recurrence. And you get thin! What's not to love!
0 -
Hi Michelle,
It's great to stop by here from time to time and catch up with all the people that don't like Facebook or blogs. I love BCNA and regularly recommend them as THE breast cancer charity.
0 -
Oh that lifts my heart! Thank you. XXX
0
