Never felt so alone

Steven
Steven Member Posts: 5
edited September 2016 in Supporting someone with breast cancer
is there anybody to call and speak too as a partner of someone going through breast cancer? I have spoken to the local counsellor once before but got put off when she said to me " just Chant over and over All will be well"
Right now I am being overpowered by it all and other things going on.
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Comments

  • Robyn W
    Robyn W Member Posts: 1,932 ✭
    edited March 2015
    You have made a good choice to come on this network!It is always quiet on here on the weekend,but I feel sure that over the next couple of days,people will read your post and respond with ideas.You don't say at what stage of treatment your partner is at,or if she is having surgery,chemo,radiography? I would like to suggest that you call the Cancer council helpline.The number is 131120.Unfortunately it is only business hours,but you can leave a message 24/7 and they will call you back.They offer emotional support if someone you care about has Cancer,plus ALL the other support needed such as treatment questions,practical support available etc.They also have many publications and dvd's available to look at.I hope that this helps a little Steven.Please stay connected on here if we can be of any help to you OR to your partner.Cheers xoxRobyn
  • Steven
    Steven Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2015
    Thanks Hazel and Robyn .
    My partner has just completed her fourth chemo session.
    I will give the helpline a call later.
  • JessicaV
    JessicaV Member Posts: 297 ✭
    edited March 2015

    Hi Steven, I am so sorry that your courage in reaching out to a counsellor did not work the first time, that you have not yet found a person with an approach that fitted who you are and what you need. Good on you for trying this network to see if anyone knows. Can you say what city/town you are in, because that may make it easier: I could recommend people in parts of Perth but not elsewhere.

    This journey is really hard for loving husbands, (mine shaved his head to keep me company through chemo) and for relationships, and  I applaud your wisdom in getting some professional help.

    I am personally going through treatment for breast cancer and am also a psychologist. I endorse Robyn's suggestion of ringing the cancer council and speaking to one of their counsellors, who I have used myself and who really are fantastic The Cancer Council may also be able to recommend people in your area who specialise in this area who you could see face to face.

    In the meantime, Lifeline is there 24/7 with volunteers who have training in listening and understanding, which can help get you through.

    Do you have a friend or a parent or a sibling you can talk to? My husband found it helped for people to know and to be able to just talk about what was happening. With his head shaved, a lot of people asked him why which gave him a conversation-starter.

    I am afraid that it can be hard to find a psych or counsellor who is the right person for you to work with ongoing through your wife's treatment, and can take a bit of trial and error. And some of them are very young with no life experience  others are set in a particular approach that is no help to you. So please do persevere till you get a good match.

    Your GP may also be able to recommend someone who is really good in that area.

    There is the emotional overwhelm, which is often fear/panic/anxiety and then fear of the fear of the fear. When I have clients who are in a state of crisis, I get them to think about the things that calm them down and get them through. Anything from playing music to watching favorite videos to swimming to extreme exercise to talking with particular people.  To be aware fear is a hard-wired gut response that is great for dealing with sabretoothed tigers, but no use for dealing with a partner going through chemo. So we need to shut down the physical triggering of the fear process each time it starts up, to relax our breathing and our bodies and be really careful not to wind ourselves up by chosing to think of catastrophic possible futures that may never happen. To get back down to a physical level and to make sure everyone is fed, can rest, gets exercise, and lies down to sleep and relax at night. Find what calms you, and use it.

    Then there is the practical overwhelm: the key thing is priorities.Put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put on anyone else's. Do what you can, and don't be tough on yourself And do one thing at a time. And ask for help, and more help, and accept without pride the help people want to give so long as your wife is ok with it. Some people have a whole community that cooks, delivers food to a freezer in the shed, handles child transport etc. Accept it if it is offered, and ask for help now: you can pay back in years to come.

    You will get through and so will your wife. This is not a death sentence, it is a chronic illness. You are tough, so is she. Feel free to private message me if I can help any more.

    Best wishes

    .

  • JessicaV
    JessicaV Member Posts: 297 ✭
    edited March 2015

    Hi Steven, I am so sorry that your courage in reaching out to a counsellor did not work the first time, that you have not yet found a person with an approach that fitted who you are and what you need. Good on you for trying this network to see if anyone knows. Can you say what city/town you are in, because that may make it easier: I could recommend people in parts of Perth but not elsewhere.

    This journey is really hard for loving husbands, (mine shaved his head to keep me company through chemo) and for relationships, and  I applaud your wisdom in getting some professional help.

    I am personally going through treatment for breast cancer and am also a psychologist. I endorse Robyn's suggestion of ringing the cancer council and speaking to one of their counsellors, who I have used myself and who really are fantastic The Cancer Council may also be able to recommend people in your area who specialise in this area who you could see face to face.

    In the meantime, Lifeline is there 24/7 with volunteers who have training in listening and understanding, which can help get you through.

    Do you have a friend or a parent or a sibling you can talk to? My husband found it helped for people to know and to be able to just talk about what was happening. With his head shaved, a lot of people asked him why which gave him a conversation-starter.

    I am afraid that it can be hard to find a psych or counsellor who is the right person for you to work with ongoing through your wife's treatment, and can take a bit of trial and error. And some of them are very young with no life experience  others are set in a particular approach that is no help to you. So please do persevere till you get a good match.

    Your GP may also be able to recommend someone who is really good in that area.

    There is the emotional overwhelm, which is often fear/panic/anxiety and then fear of the fear of the fear. When I have clients who are in a state of crisis, I get them to think about the things that calm them down and get them through. Anything from playing music to watching favorite videos to swimming to extreme exercise to talking with particular people.  To be aware fear is a hard-wired gut response that is great for dealing with sabretoothed tigers, but no use for dealing with a partner going through chemo. So we need to shut down the physical triggering of the fear process each time it starts up, to relax our breathing and our bodies and be really careful not to wind ourselves up by chosing to think of catastrophic possible futures that may never happen. To get back down to a physical level and to make sure everyone is fed, can rest, gets exercise, and lies down to sleep and relax at night. Find what calms you, and use it.

    Then there is the practical overwhelm: the key thing is priorities.Put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put on anyone else's. Do what you can, and don't be tough on yourself And do one thing at a time. And ask for help, and more help, and accept without pride the help people want to give so long as your wife is ok with it. Some people have a whole community that cooks, delivers food to a freezer in the shed, handles child transport etc. Accept it if it is offered, and ask for help now: you can pay back in years to come.

    You will get through and so will your wife. This is not a death sentence, it is a chronic illness. You are tough, so is she. Feel free to private message me if I can help any more.

    Best wishes

    .

  • Robyn W
    Robyn W Member Posts: 1,932 ✭
    edited March 2015
    Is this her last round,or is she having 6 rounds? By the fourth round, you are usually feeling pretty wrecked and EXTREMELY tired. The hard thing with chemo is,that no two people have the same reaction.I found chemo not too bad,but there are ladies on here who really suffered with it.Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try,you get every reaction under the sun, and more!!!!!Its not long till tomorrow so hang in there :):) Robyn
  • Chorsell
    Chorsell Member Posts: 462 ✭
    edited March 2015
    My husband struggled at times too- men like to be able to fix things and they can't fix this - a cancer diagnosis is scary, and the treatments can be difficult. It is hard to watch someone you care about go through this.

    The ladies above have made some good suggestions.

    The things my husband did for me that made me feel better included:-
    Coming to appointments with me
    Helping me to do chores I could not manage
    Asking me what he could do to help
    Discussing things with me
    Giving me back rubs when I was sore from spending too much time in bed
    Helping me dress
    Telling me he was happy to help

    I am not sure of your situation but I know I hated to ask for help as it highlighted what I could not do, equally I got frustrated because I could not do things. I know I could be difficult.

    Sometimes it is just enough to be there to rub cream in or pass a cool flannel or hold a hand. Sometimes that's all it takes is to be there willing to help or listen.

    I hope you can find someone to talk to to help you work though everything you are feeling - this disease affects more than just the person diagnosed and treatment can be like a marathon - hang in there you will get to the finish line

    Sending hugs

    Chris
  • Steven
    Steven Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2015
    My partner has two more sessions to go. She has been very tired and wrecked which is understandable. We have extra pressure on us in that she is her mums carer as well.
  • Robyn W
    Robyn W Member Posts: 1,932 ✭
    edited March 2015
    I really feel that as soon as you speak to the Cancer council helpline,you are going to be given some very useful ideas to help you and your partner. 6 rounds of chemo is pretty tough.I only needed 4, so I consider myself fortunate.Im hoping that you get the help you need tomorrow Steven.Be sure to tell them everything so as they can provide you with the best possible help.Please stay in touch.Robyn.
  • Steven
    Steven Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2015
    Chris
    I too have been to every appointment and chemo session with my partner, I have stopped work FIFO too so that she doesn't have to do much at home. We care for her mother. It is a tricky situation which I cant, go into here. Just me feeling low and depressed but I will snap out of it. Thanks everyone for your comments.
  • Steven
    Steven Member Posts: 5
    edited March 2015
    Chris
    I too have been to every appointment and chemo session with my partner, I have stopped work FIFO too so that she doesn't have to do much at home. We care for her mother. It is a tricky situation which I cant, go into here. Just me feeling low and depressed but I will snap out of it. Thanks everyone for your comments.

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