Never felt so alone

Hi Steven, I am so sorry that your courage in reaching out to a counsellor did not work the first time, that you have not yet found a person with an approach that fitted who you are and what you need. Good on you for trying this network to see if anyone knows. Can you say what city/town you are in, because that may make it easier: I could recommend people in parts of Perth but not elsewhere.

This journey is really hard for loving husbands, (mine shaved his head to keep me company through chemo) and for relationships, and  I applaud your wisdom in getting some professional help.

I am personally going through treatment for breast cancer and am also a psychologist. I endorse Robyn's suggestion of ringing the cancer council and speaking to one of their counsellors, who I have used myself and who really are fantastic The Cancer Council may also be able to recommend people in your area who specialise in this area who you could see face to face.

In the meantime, Lifeline is there 24/7 with volunteers who have training in listening and understanding, which can help get you through.

Do you have a friend or a parent or a sibling you can talk to? My husband found it helped for people to know and to be able to just talk about what was happening. With his head shaved, a lot of people asked him why which gave him a conversation-starter.

I am afraid that it can be hard to find a psych or counsellor who is the right person for you to work with ongoing through your wife's treatment, and can take a bit of trial and error. And some of them are very young with no life experience  others are set in a particular approach that is no help to you. So please do persevere till you get a good match.

Your GP may also be able to recommend someone who is really good in that area.

There is the emotional overwhelm, which is often fear/panic/anxiety and then fear of the fear of the fear. When I have clients who are in a state of crisis, I get them to think about the things that calm them down and get them through. Anything from playing music to watching favorite videos to swimming to extreme exercise to talking with particular people.  To be aware fear is a hard-wired gut response that is great for dealing with sabretoothed tigers, but no use for dealing with a partner going through chemo. So we need to shut down the physical triggering of the fear process each time it starts up, to relax our breathing and our bodies and be really careful not to wind ourselves up by chosing to think of catastrophic possible futures that may never happen. To get back down to a physical level and to make sure everyone is fed, can rest, gets exercise, and lies down to sleep and relax at night. Find what calms you, and use it.

Then there is the practical overwhelm: the key thing is priorities.Put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put on anyone else's. Do what you can, and don't be tough on yourself And do one thing at a time. And ask for help, and more help, and accept without pride the help people want to give so long as your wife is ok with it. Some people have a whole community that cooks, delivers food to a freezer in the shed, handles child transport etc. Accept it if it is offered, and ask for help now: you can pay back in years to come.

You will get through and so will your wife. This is not a death sentence, it is a chronic illness. You are tough, so is she. Feel free to private message me if I can help any more.

Best wishes

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