Christina, this really resonates. It got me thinking. Guilt is a familiar, unforgiving companion. Perhaps rooted in the need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Not at all true, but it feels real. There are thoughts coming up: stay busy to prove the cancer isn’t winning. Do that task - you’re not that tired. You’re making excuses. You can do more if you tried harder. Familiar ideas that have gained traction and built ruts in my mind. Other feelings surface as I dig deeper: sadness, attached to identity: this is not who I am. A sense of loss. Despair- how far will I fall from the active and energetic woman I was? The battle front seems to be in letting go of the safe, familiar patterns and taking hold of - what? I am free falling, and not in a good way
The “sick role” is not for me Yet my body is sometimes weak and not able How do I navigate this new reality? With cancer, I am not the same person although I look the same (people keep telling me how well I look) I feel the hardness of cancer in me, I feel the intense emotions, the dark and despairing thoughts You’re right Christina, cancer demands a LOT of us I’m picturing a willow tree, gracefully bending in the wind, roots planted in well watered earth, not breaking because it bends Maybe that’s what ignoring the guilt will create in us
Dominie
Raw and beautiful written. Please remember Dom, you are still you. Brave, strong, articulate and so kind. You are not your disease.
Take care
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