It's starting to sink in.
Hi all, I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago officially and had surgery last Thursday. I have been really positive so far but I haven't really been thinking too much about the diagnosis. I have been putting all my energy into going from appointment to appointment and relaying info to my hubby, family and friends. I have been concerned about how they are taking the news. However I sort of sagged today. I finally looked up this website and some of the reality hit home. My next appointment is next Wed and it will involve the next step of what treatment. I thought I had processed the shock but maybe not quite. I realise everyone feels differently and I have had wonderful support but I feel a bit disconnected. From my support peeps and from the cancer. It feels a bit like a story I'm telling about someone else and not me. Does any of this make sense? I was supposed to be going overseas to work in a few weeks which has now been cancelled and I have to finish work at my current job as I have been replaced. It also doesn't feel that real. So much going on in the world right now, 2020 not going to be my favourite year I think!!!
Feelings and waiting..
I like to write for my own therapy and figured here would be a good place to do it - for validation, to help others maybe, and just knowing I'm in an environment that understands this roller coaster. I only just got on it (3rd October) and have other health issues I'm waiting on answers for also. This is making things a tad difficult when it comes to appointments and knowing which order things need to be done. This week, attention goes to my heart. I'm on a beta blocker and we don't get along. It doesn't help my emotions at all and I'm walking around like a zombie. Tomorrow I have a heart ultrasound, Tuesday a catheter angiogram (CT showed blockages), so they will determine what treatment to go with, or put stents in on the spot. In other words, I have no outcome expectation. Cancer treatment can't start till they fix my heart issue. I have a surgeon appointment on the 22nd, as they'd booked me in for this Tuesday and obviously I was busy :-) So with all this, and the dr telling me to stay home till my heart is repaired, I have had way too much time on my hands. I try and keep busy, but with the BB slowing me right down and making me feel like crap, I get into lazy mode hugely. I don't doubt for a minute that my emotions re cancer, the unknown (ie still not knowing if I also have bowel cancer), the fear of what is to come etc.. all play a huge part in the downfall of my otherwise 'usually' positive nature. I also decided it would be ok for people around me - colleagues, friends/family to know what is going on. That can also be overwhelming. A lot of messages, phone calls, support. It's beautiful, but sometimes you just don't want to think about it all. I did the nice (?) thing and caught up with a few people for lunches over the last week, but maybe that was taxing too, how many times do we answer the questions. I know.. it's fantastic people care.. I am keeping my cool, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and imagine it's not there. So.. yesterday I just broke. I have hardly shed a tear up till now. I have talked to people, shared how I thought I felt, but never - until yesterday - knew exactly how it was that I was feeling... I am TERRIFIED. I am mourning the old me. I am bitter because now my life is going to be taken over with appointments, feeling crappy, not being able to do a lot of things I love doing for a while. And of course there is that feeling of facing your own mortality.. and having to decide what kind of surgery to go with. That is SUCH a horrible choice to have to make. I have the hugest admiration for all of you - I can do this (we don't have a choice really hey) but wow, the emotions.. it's going to be a long ride :( <3 <3