whoops, wrong spot.

Until I wasn't.

I was rolling with the initial diagnosis (2bish invasive ductal). Two of my lymph nodes lit up on the PET scan.

Neoadjuvant AC chemo kicked my arse. 

Then I started on the paclitaxel. I did five cycles of that before my onc pulled the plug; it wasn't having as much impact as he would like.

(I think it *was* working, just not all that much)

Surgery was brought forward to before Christmas. My surgeon was hoping for clear lymph nodes and a nipple-sparing mastectomy. 

I woke up without my nipple and with a level II clearance because the DCIS went all the way to the front AND one of my sentinel nodes had residual cancer in it.

I opted for a reconstruction.

My recovery has been *ok*. Mostly. It's been three weeks, my drain is still in, and I'm still in pain. 

Then I had my first appt with my radio oncologist and... I just lost it.

So many nasty surprises. So so so many.

Beyond cancer being really weird, that is.

The possibly permanent nerve damage was a surprise - I would have liked to have been forewarned about that. 

Another thing I rather wish I’d known about was the high risk of needing further surgery after radio, given that I've had a reconstruction. I did actually ask the question in the “quick! Get you in before Christmas!” appt I had with the surgeon. “Give me the reasons why I wouldn't go for an immediate recon.” 

Her list did not include the stuff about doing radio with an implant.

I was just starting to bounce from a new year of abject misery (hyperbole, yes, but I'm really not doing well). Then I had an appt with my onc again today, and I'm a mess all over again.

My surgeon reckons she got it all, the pathology showed that at least some of the chemo had an effect, a second PET scan right before surgery showed clear nodes and no mets anywhere.

But my onc would still only say that he was “fairly happy” with progress to date.

Those appointments are always challenging, because they're a reminder that this is serious stuff. But I just don't have any resilience left. I'm out of spoons. 

I've had too many nasty surprises along the way, and I'm just not coping anymore.

I've made contact with the breast care nurses, I've got a psych appointment tomorrow, and I've outsourced everything I possibly can.

I just... 

I dunno. 

I'm just done.

Unfortunately, it's not done with me. The paperwork, the bills, the new information, the kids (they're so young!), flipping COVID - it all keeps coming and coming and coming.

My appt with the onc this morning made me feel like I'll never be done. That the worst-case scenario is inevitable. Frankly, I can't help but wonder if it's actually worth the struggle.