Here Goes

Hello Ladies.

I have been on the quiet side of late. A bit on the dark side and hiding in my bed. Isnt it funny that we are brave and strong around people but break when wee are alone. Well for me anyways. The last 2 weeks have been quiet as I wait for my first Chemo next Tuesday. Bone and Heart Scans came back good. Had a slimport put into my arm yesterday (local) and feeling a bit sore and sorry. My employer has been covering my wages for when I have been missing for the past 8 weeks. They have been wonderful and this is something they do for any staff in a similar situation. So for now on I only get paid for when I work. I can deal. I also get a partial DSP so that will go up a little as my wage goes down. Fortunately I have some savings so that will help.

I think what has knocked me about was when the Onc said one of 3 things can come out of this.

1. I can have all of the treatments and never see Cancer again

2. I can have all of the treatment as cancer will return

3. I can have all of the treatments and they don't do anything.

I don't know why but I am thinking the worst. My anxiety is all over the shop and scaring me. I arrived at the Hospital Car Park yesterday for my port procedure and I just started trembling. In the waiting room a huge wave of nausea hit me and all I wanted to do was vomit whilst hiding my face because I was crying. I know I have to put on my big girl panties and toughen up and I know I will. I have to stop thinking about the future and just get through these treatments day by day. I thinking the waiting has been doing my head in. I know it sounds strange but I just want to get this chemo started so I know what to expect and how I might feel with SE's.

I did ask work if they could find me work to do from home and they were positive about that so that would be good fo days I cant get to work but might pick up on the days.

One big plus! Dorevitchs had a branch about 100 metres away from work!!!

My daughter is coming to visit weekend after this one coming. I am trying to organise for my hairdresser to be available as Sammy want to be here when we take my hair. If my hairdresser isn't available Sammy and I will do it together. Having chronic anxiety and needed to be prepared for everything, I ordered some hair clippers and scissors so we can do it ourselves.

Ive got about a dozen head covers. I didn't think about the ones for China being for people with small heads. Some of them wont fit my boofhead. So I'll donate them through the Wellness Centre here.

Can I ask you all if you drove yourself to and from your Chemo appointments? I was going to drive over and if I was too unwell to drive home I would call a cab or a friend, then come back for the car the next day. See my anxiety has me stepping out every step in the future. I am waking up at night shaking and sobbing. So much so that I haven't been able to go to work.

Anyways thanks for reading. Gotta hit the shower and try not get my arm with the port wet.

I hope you are all doing well and huge hugs for those who are struggling at the moment.

Jenny xxx