What it feels like to finish treatment - the aftermath - add your experience

Well, I think I feel a bit like you, in terms of feeling like a baby. Like I’ve been given a chance to finally sort through all that emotional abuse and trauma I’ve acquired over the years. A lot of that I thought was normal, such as being abused physically by my dad as a kid, cos everyone from the Balkans is. And not receiving emotional support, which is also not much of a thing back there. If you’re unhappy about smth, you get slapped and that’s somehow supposed to make things ok. As long as your parents are feeding, schooling and clothing you, they’re doing a good job. I explained a lot of this stuff to a psychologist just before I started radio, and from her constant head shaking I realised most of that was actually not normal, and extremely traumatising, so then a lot of things suddenly made sense. It was a MASSIVE relief to have someone acknowledge that, and to understand that I did need to deal with it, it wasn’t my fault, and it didn’t mean I was crazy. And I also realised that I had a lot more to sort through than I was aware of. A whole lot more. Add to that a narcissistic sister and ex, and then I wasn’t very surprised at all about the b ca tbh. I’d been suppressing very strong emotions for most of my life, emotions that should’ve been released long before that. One reason I didn’t release them though is cos whenever I tried, I was shut down by whoever was on the receiving end. Friends I have found, aren’t always very patient listeners. They prefer to tell, rather than listen. I’ve been told numerous times that I’m a good listener, but somehow I don’t get the same in return. Family tended to tell me I’m loud and complaining a lot, so I learnt to bottle things. Mind you, family that were just as loud and complained a lot more. So, I finally released a lot of my pent up fears and traumas to my new psychologist, and that’s where the feeling like a baby comes in. Things suddenly seemed new, different. There was a much better and simpler way of solving problems, without being accused of being loud, of complaining too much, being made to feel guilty and ungrateful etc. Just a safe space for me to express fears and concerns, and not be judged at all. What a freeing experience. Now I understand I’m not those things I was accused of. It’s the people who were accusing me that were. I understand people are hurt and traumatised themselves, and so they act out and hurt others. I understood this before too, but now it’s a lot clearer. That makes me a lot more patient when dealing with others’ accusations, judgements etc cos I don’t take it personally anymore. That in turn means I stress a lot less. I’m not as emotional as I used to be. I can separate my emotions from the actions a lot better. I’m not afraid to say what I think and feel, which I wasn’t before either, but I was somewhat afraid I’d lose people if I did. Now I’m not. The right people will understand why I’m saying it and stay, and appreciate it. The wrong ones will leave, and I’m satisfied with that. I’m into quality, not quantity. 

Also, I used to be overly OCD. Always worrying about keeping the house clean, tidy etc. Being careful with what I say, always apologising to not offend ppl. Now I don’t care so much. If the place gets a bit dirty and stays like that for a while, I don’t care. It’s building immunity 😆. And I’ve stopped caring about what I say, cos as I said, the right ppl won’t get offended, especially when there’s nothing to be offended by (but in my head there was). Working on my self confidence, bit by bit. All this takes time, but there’s so much more progress than before the b ca, so I’m very thankful I finally starting making these changes.
In terms of the ca itself, I don’t think of it as evil attacking my body, or my boobs turning on me. My body would never turn against me. It was actually my body’s way of saying it needed a break. I strongly believe emotions and psychological health are connected to our physical and have a big impact. So all those traumas and fears, kept inside for so long, were finally too much to handle. My body was telling me it was in pain from it all, and needed them out. So out they came. Along with those, was the fact that I was overworking myself, both at work and at home, and not taking a break. I felt guilty even taking one day off work when I was genuinely unwell (I worked all through my pregnancy, and had a bad cold in my 9th month for about 2 weeks, still went to work 🤦🏼‍♀️). This is what society has done to us. Made us believe it’s normal to push ourselves to the point of a nervous breakdown, all for the good of I don’t know who. A company that would never appreciate me the way I deserve. That would make me feel I have to be grateful for the opportunity to be overworked by them. That’s why now I’m very happily unemployed. I don’t have a lot of money, but I make do with what I have. I’ve found I’m resourceful 😊. So I am taking much deserved time for myself, with no guilt at all. None whatsoever. It took about 20 years, but I’m there 😁. Able to give myself the care and love and respect I gave to everyone else instead for so long. So instead of being angry at my body for ‘giving me the ca”, I’ve said sorry to it for abusing it soooo long in so many ways, and I promise it that I’ll look after it a lot better. It’s beautiful and it serves me well 💖. So I’ve also stopped the negative self talk. No more ‘omg my legs are too fat! So much cellulite!’. Now it’s ‘gee my legs are so wonderful. They carry me everywhere and don’t even complain. And they don’t look too bad either.’ Things like that. My body works hard for me, but I need to show it the appreciation it deserves, and for too long I didn’t. So now I am, because I hope it will serve me for many many many more years to come 🍀. The ‘evil’ is what has come from the outside, stored where it shouldn’t have been, not from the inside. Our bodies are love, there’s no evil there. 

Apart from feeling like a baby, I also feel like as elderly woman 😆. B ca makes us wise 😂. 

For a few years before diagnosis I was depressed. I couldn’t feel happiness. I was quite worried by that. Now, I feel magic in a lot of things. I’ll be driving somewhere, and I get weird feelings of beauty and happiness and a buzz of excitement. It’s weird and very hard to explain, but it’s A LOT better than the emptiness I felt before. 

Anyway, I bet you regret starting this post 😆🤣. I really am quite philosophical after midnight 😄. I won’t apologise for the long post 😆, people don’t have to read it if they don’t want. I hope it’s helpful to whoever does 😊🥰♥️.

M Xxx