https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/176194/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story?

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again) But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

kmakm said: Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'. I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait.

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.

The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

Sandes
Member
6 years ago
I foiund this short article very well written and it express so much of my own feelings
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jan/29/my-cancer-recovery-was-relatively-smooth-why-do-i-feel-in-limbo
arpie
Member
6 years ago
Wonderful pic xx
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
Brilliant @SoldierCrab! Congratulations to your clever daughter on her achievement and to you for raising her! You look really well lovely. Biggest of happy hugs, K xox
SoldierCrab
Member
6 years ago
@arpie
HI everyone sorry I am away in Tas

Jess graduated and I am very proud of her.
arpie
Member
6 years ago
@SoldierCrab - your daughter would have graduated by now - how wonderful for you both xx Happy New Year xx
Nerolijane
Member
6 years ago
Highly recommend laser therapy for cording... go regularly to keep it at bay. There are Lymphodoema laser specialists in Adelaide...
SoldierCrab
Member
6 years ago
I am sure later this year when my youngest graduates with honours in Psychology (she was in year 9 at high school when I was diagnosed with TNBC and I kept being allergic to chemos).. I will be a very proud and teary mess .... her 21st last year saw me her only parent there when asked to speak just burst into tears.
MvB
Member
6 years ago

Silba said:

“... I had a wonderful moment yesterday , my eldest son had his University graduation , I cried, not only because I was proud but because I was alive to see it happen, his professor was sitting next to me , thought I was a total nutcase, pity I couldn't tell him that I have Mets...”

Hey Silba, I also had the joy/tears of seeing my eldest graduate last month. When I was first diagnosed he was 3 and his younger brother was 12 months old. I remember doing a “deal with God/the universe” and begging to be able to live long enough to see them go through school & grow to be adults. I promised the universe I would “be good”. Not sure I’ve kept up my end of the bargain 🤪 but seeing him reach this milestone (& wearing my chemo wig for its first public outing) was huge. Completely understand the tears. I hope you can get to see many more milestones for your family. Hugs.
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
That's good advice @Sister! Like most things in life, GPs are a mixed bag. Experience has told me never to bond with a GP of child bearing age. I've lost SO many to their own kids. I don't resent it of course, but your heart sinks a little when they tell you. It's tiring to have to start the getting to know you/trust process all over again.
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
I actually really appreciate my ‘fifteen yr old’ GP. She doesn’t question me on my side effects, she researches them, proves me right or otherwise, then gives me material to present to my ‘specialists’, who have seen it all so had refuse to listen until started having something to back me up. Sometimes the young are better because they not only have the new research knowledge but are keen to learn more.