Post TNBC: cope and hope
Hello all,
It has been a good solid 12 months since I posted on this forum. Have jumped on a few occasions but didnʻt quite feel that I was ready to contribute anything meaningful.
An enormous warm hug to all the women with a TNBC diagnosis; I also am part of this camp. Diagnosed Aug 2020, had AC/Paclitaxel until Jan 2021 and the rest of that year was a medical health nightmare with a bilateral mastectomy (last minute alarm bell decision), radiotherapy, bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy and I tested positive to a rarer gene mutation.
I have had rehab to give my body and mind the support it needed, rounds of extra physio and I raised my hand for any other wellness activity, on offer. I acknowledged that my walking ability had changed and let that change guide me, I also took up qigong daily in whatever recrafted way, I could. I was just going with the flow of my body and its energy in that moment.
I ate healthy with or without appetite (that was a challenge), made fresh veg/fruit juices, drank litres of bottled water as my taste buds couldnʻt tolerate tap water amongst other things, rested and tried versions of sleep, journaled to keep my emotions in balance and my sanity, spoke to plants (that in itself sounds like I a batty escapee lol), reflected in the ʻreview mirrorʻ, couldnʻt stand the ʻpresent mirrorʻ and tried to find a good story, one of hope, change, acceptance, newness and inner strength in the ʻside mirrorsʻ that kept me going in smallish forward movements.
I worked through it all on the days that my body/mind gave me the green light indicator. Between the red and amber, yes, I shed a waterfall of tears for the loss...of self as I knew me, of hair, skin - texture colour, free mobility, independence, friendships (I discarding many of these), family pain, body image, confidence and the list goes on in length. There were other lesser losses and symptoms that the body, mind, soul and spirit struggled with - inch by inch, moment by moment, thought by thought...hope was showing up.
What we encounter once we have been handed membership of BC (and I was waving my fingers, stomping loudly and making noise - heck no! I donʻt want your bloody membership - well that fell on deaf ears) is traumatic. There is grief and loss, and it is scary ...we have no protective gear and significant pieces of our being were hurt (external and internal) and weeping - for self and others we love. The weeping tears help our wounds to heal, scars to form and fresh growth to reveal itself - what emerges in this chaos is a field of smiles - for life in every breath, every moment. I feel that the most precious take away learning is how much more awareness we have of self, others, our surroundings, life.
Cope by giving self permission to be selfish, to gift self with gentleness and kindness, gratitude to your body, mind and spirit. Respect it with wellness (I walk a fair bit, and without fail do my daily integration of qigong and tai chi - truly marvelous. Iʻd love to do more swimming) sprinkle it with the ʻhope effectʻ - feed it dreams, ideas, smiles, creativity, celebration or whatever words resonate with you.
My place of hope has been to gain enough courage and strength to gradually start to return to overseas travel in this new body, new me - and I am smiling as I write - I am going to Japan for a short trip to test me out :-)
Fear of some degree, will walk alongside us, like a shadow - this was our membership subscription. There are many hurdles that present in day to day life - some feel like old friends now, others strikingly new. Grief and loss will hold a permanent spot and as the fresh growth expands around us - it will feel less dominant.
I share this lovingly and with a sea of positive energy that ʻhope and wellnessʻ shine upon us all. Love and hugs xx
It has been a good solid 12 months since I posted on this forum. Have jumped on a few occasions but didnʻt quite feel that I was ready to contribute anything meaningful.
An enormous warm hug to all the women with a TNBC diagnosis; I also am part of this camp. Diagnosed Aug 2020, had AC/Paclitaxel until Jan 2021 and the rest of that year was a medical health nightmare with a bilateral mastectomy (last minute alarm bell decision), radiotherapy, bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy and I tested positive to a rarer gene mutation.
I have had rehab to give my body and mind the support it needed, rounds of extra physio and I raised my hand for any other wellness activity, on offer. I acknowledged that my walking ability had changed and let that change guide me, I also took up qigong daily in whatever recrafted way, I could. I was just going with the flow of my body and its energy in that moment.
I ate healthy with or without appetite (that was a challenge), made fresh veg/fruit juices, drank litres of bottled water as my taste buds couldnʻt tolerate tap water amongst other things, rested and tried versions of sleep, journaled to keep my emotions in balance and my sanity, spoke to plants (that in itself sounds like I a batty escapee lol), reflected in the ʻreview mirrorʻ, couldnʻt stand the ʻpresent mirrorʻ and tried to find a good story, one of hope, change, acceptance, newness and inner strength in the ʻside mirrorsʻ that kept me going in smallish forward movements.
I worked through it all on the days that my body/mind gave me the green light indicator. Between the red and amber, yes, I shed a waterfall of tears for the loss...of self as I knew me, of hair, skin - texture colour, free mobility, independence, friendships (I discarding many of these), family pain, body image, confidence and the list goes on in length. There were other lesser losses and symptoms that the body, mind, soul and spirit struggled with - inch by inch, moment by moment, thought by thought...hope was showing up.
What we encounter once we have been handed membership of BC (and I was waving my fingers, stomping loudly and making noise - heck no! I donʻt want your bloody membership - well that fell on deaf ears) is traumatic. There is grief and loss, and it is scary ...we have no protective gear and significant pieces of our being were hurt (external and internal) and weeping - for self and others we love. The weeping tears help our wounds to heal, scars to form and fresh growth to reveal itself - what emerges in this chaos is a field of smiles - for life in every breath, every moment. I feel that the most precious take away learning is how much more awareness we have of self, others, our surroundings, life.
Cope by giving self permission to be selfish, to gift self with gentleness and kindness, gratitude to your body, mind and spirit. Respect it with wellness (I walk a fair bit, and without fail do my daily integration of qigong and tai chi - truly marvelous. Iʻd love to do more swimming) sprinkle it with the ʻhope effectʻ - feed it dreams, ideas, smiles, creativity, celebration or whatever words resonate with you.
My place of hope has been to gain enough courage and strength to gradually start to return to overseas travel in this new body, new me - and I am smiling as I write - I am going to Japan for a short trip to test me out :-)
Fear of some degree, will walk alongside us, like a shadow - this was our membership subscription. There are many hurdles that present in day to day life - some feel like old friends now, others strikingly new. Grief and loss will hold a permanent spot and as the fresh growth expands around us - it will feel less dominant.
I share this lovingly and with a sea of positive energy that ʻhope and wellnessʻ shine upon us all. Love and hugs xx
