Dear @Blossom1961
It’s really not surprising. This isn’t the way you hoped things would pan out. Treatment for life - it’s two things isn’t it? Treatment you will have always but also treatment to ensure you have a life to live. Intellectually that’s all understandable, emotionally not so easy.
I don’t have mets, I just have three side effects that I will almost certainly have for life. Dealing with them is eminently doable. But at the beginning, I felt quite confused about who I was. Not depressed, just a bit adrift. Time with a good counsellor (you need one who really understands where you are coming from!) helped a lot. I had expected and hoped to recover from cancer, lose a boob and get back to ‘normal’. I didn’t expect my normal to change and I didn’t anticipate factoring in management of three side effects. I was grateful for recovering and utterly unsure of what my unanticipated ‘bits’ meant. It took a few good conversations with an intelligent and wise outsider to work out what was affecting what, and what I could do about it.
My problem doesn’t compare to yours but my solution may still be worth a shot. Sometimes pulling yourself up by the bootstraps is much easier with someone lending you some muscle! Best wishes.