Dont follow me Im lost too

I was in a slump 2 years before my diagnosis. My sister bought me a gratitude diary, bless her. It was beautiful, but I had trouble filling it in. Not because I was ungrateful, but because there wasn’t much that was making me happy. I resent the fact people expect us to be grateful for what we have, especially us that have been through cancer etc. I am very grateful for my life and my renewed health, more than I can express, and/but I want more. I shouldn’t have to settle. This world has a lot to offer and I want to experience it. I have every right to. So, when someone says just be happy with what you’ve got, my answer is no. I will not ‘just be happy’. I want what I deserve. 

About the friends, I was already disappointed prior diagnosis. I had moved further from Sydney, and absolutely nobody bothered to come visit me. When I’d go back to Sydney for the weekend, they’d be like ‘why didn’t you tell us, we have to catch up! Come again next weekend!’ Um, excuse me?? Tell you what?? You can’t come up and visit me, only an hour from Sydney, then act like you care?? I’m the one who had to keep travelling with my daughter in tow to see them!! Some of them didn’t even have kids, and still expected me to run around to see them. Plus, I was going through bad panic attacks. Once again, ‘oh, I’m sorry to hear’, then straight away talking about their own problems and expecting me to listen and offer advice. Just taking, never giving. So that was understood then, that my friends were really disappointing. And yes, I was pretty sad and upset about it. It made me feel very lonely. Thing is, I’ve always known people are very unreliable, so I wasn’t sure why it bothered me so much. I know that only one or two friends will ever be ‘true’ friends. And to answer your question, I think that you should be able to talk about your situation as long as you need. There’s no timeframe with real friends. You should never feel awkward discussing it. 

After my diagnosis and surgery/treatment, I did see a therapist for 6 months. She helped me A LOT. Not in helping me feel grateful and all that nonsense. She helped me understand why I had been in a slump for a while before diagnosis. She helped me understand why I cared that my so-called friends didn’t care, and why I felt so lonely. It was mostly to do with childhood traumas and having them (the traumas) make me feel like I was worthless, and like I didn’t deserve good things, which ate at my self confidence and caused me to lose myself. I became doubtful of everything. Couldn’t make a decision because I kept questioning it and all the possible consequences. Kept thinking it would be for nothing anyway, that I’d still be unhappy and it would be too much effort, so I wouldn’t do it. This also affected my ability to advocate for myself when my first surgeon was being an ass, and also not breaking up with the guy I was dating, who was being a bigger ass. Well, the day I decided to dump both those bozos is the day I started to say enough of this bs. I got my therapist, started going in within myself and understanding why I believed I wasn’t worth more. Dumped as much emotional trauma as I could, released it all, and starting advocating for myself again. It wasn’t easy. It was tiring and confronting, really hard work, but so worth it. I found myself again, my confidence, the me that knows I deserve not just good, but fantastic things. I found the courage to pursue them and make radical changes. Not allowing fear and possible consequences to get in the way. Confidence that even if it didn’t work out, I’d be able to solve it. I could under no circumstances go back to the life I had before, the one I was miserable in. And I stopped caring that none of my ‘close’ friends seemed to care. Truly stopped caring. I realised very clearly that they didn’t care about me because they didn’t know how to care for themselves. Actually didn’t, and still don’t. They’re more lost than I was. You can’t ask for support from people who have no idea how to give it even to themselves. I’m actually a lot happier now than so many of them, and once again not one has said good on you Mon, you seem to be doing so well in spite of everything. I’m happy for you. Not one. Acquaintances have said it, but not friends I considered close. No one wants to know that someone they know beat breast cancer and is doing well for themselves, while they’re still slumping through life. Not many are genuinely happy for you, and I’m quite happy not having to be friends with those kinds of people. As I said, I have myself. I’m very happy in my own company, and have made big changes that I was scared to make before. I’m planning on making even more now. 

We need change, it’s good, it keeps the energy flow going and fresh, which invites happiness. Don’t get stuck on the old, it taught you what it needed to, it’s probably time to let go and move on now. I still see friends, but I’m not even slightly disappointed or upset if someone doesn’t invite me here or there, or doesn’t want to hear me out. I want to hear me out. I also have my sister and a couple really close friends that always listen, and that’s enough. Everyone else is just a bonus. 

So my advice: make radical changes, and find yourself again. 

♥️