Positive Tamoxifen Experience

Louise, I feel your pre/post life angst. My rant was in no way directed at you. I read recently of some ridiculously low percentage of women who finish the full course of treatment and it shocked me. Perhaps my fear of recurrence is so massive (daily, constant thoughts of it still at this stage) that I can't begin to imagine not taking my pills each and every day, and can only wonder at how side effects, as bad as they might be for some, would negate the life saving benefits of that little pill. But then I felt like that about chemo too. Bring it on. Absolutely anything to reduce the risk of this bastard coming back to rid me of life span I don't want to lose. It wasn't easy. I hope to never, ever have to go through it again, but if that poison means I get to be 84, like my mum and more, like I said bring it on. Chemo was no picnic but it wasn't as all encompassing bad as I'd read elsewhere either. My post cancer life is different to my pre cancer life. Yesterday I debated in my head should I/ would I/no/yes having a chocolate brownie in the way others surely must debate do I do another shot of smack or snort a few more lines. I tire at times of treating my body like a temple. Weighing what I eat of certain foods. Taking so many supplements at times I surely rattle. Giving up wine, champagne. Yes me, a non drinker, imagine. Gram by gram working to lose the weight which I'd accepted and thought bugger it, I'm happy, healthy, fit, strong, my husband loves me, I'm stick of fighting my body. But apparently being overweight increases my chances of recurrence, so now it's a daily be good, stay good mantra that is no longer about being a size 8 for fashion's sake. It's about doing everything in my power to stay well. I hate that not a day can go by I don't think about it, because there is a pill I take, supplements I take, a mastectomy scar I look down on in the shower, grey short hair staring back at me in the mirror, a wig I don to face the outside world, a fake boob I strap in to do the same, a diary with appointments for oncologist, breast surgeon, mammograms, ultrasounds, bobs density testing, nutritionist, naturopath, yoga, personal training, massage. I've become a full time job and I'm not that interesting to myself!!! The point I wanted to get across I guess, is that so much of what we read here is negative, which is completely totally understandable (and I am not permanently positive trust me!), and that perhaps a little cognitive twist in the way we approach this, think of it, might help. I'm am not in anyway grateful I had to have this crap diagnosis hit me. I can't get my head around those who can think its a. 'Blessing and gift' as I read elsewhere recently. Nope it sux. But for what it's worth I've been saying 'grateful' every morning as I take my little yellow pill and instead of thinking 'I have/had cancer' I think 'Grateful (this is keeping it at bay) and over the course of a couple of months it has shifted my thinking each morning into a positive one. which surprises me as I am so not a new age/personal coach/affirmations kinda a girl. Louise, I just really hope your fears of going downhill once on tamoxifen don't come to pass, and the side effect gods are kind to you. Congratulations on being at the end of your year long treatment. May the next twelve months see you blossom. xx