Absolutely get it @spillsy. I've had surgery, AC, and about to have dose 4 of taxol, then rads, then hormone therapy. I'm fed up with myself - completely over it. Friends came over on the weekend - ones I've known since I was 18 (so that's nearly 37 years) - and while I had a lovely time, by the end I was shattered. The whole time, I felt a bit disconnected from the conversation. I don't know if that's exhaustion, some sort of PTSD issue, or just that there's nothing going on in my life but cancer. And all of the time, when conversation turned to celebrations in the distant future, sneaky, awful, little thoughts weaselling their way into my mind of whether I would be around for these future events. We've already lost one of our number, very quickly, to bc a few years ago.