What is my new normal?
Hi everyone,
I haven't been online for about a week. Last week I was expecting to have a great week physically as it was the week before chemo and as I said to a friend, physically I felt ok, but mentally I felt like a 'basket case'. I just feel really down, cry when not in the company of my family, spent last week also psyching myself up for my third chemo (which was yesterday).
Since late April, I had three surgeries and commenced chemo. So I've lost a boob, bought a pretend one, started chemo, lost my hair. Currently sitting in my office (bed) fighting off nausea and have one more chemo in three weeks. About to start radiotherapy later. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. Stage wise I'm considered between 1 & 2.
I had a long chat with my med oncologist yesterday, about not sure whether I'm normal, am I thinking too far ahead worried about recurrences? My biggest fear is the other breast. My tumour was mucinous (jelly like) and didn't show up fully in the mammogram. What did show up was a 1cm tumour, but ended up being an irregular 4cm one with a second one smaller one hiding. It turns out my emotions were premenstrual as well, chemo hasn't quite switched off my hormones yet and got my period on the weekend (on the dot). My Dr has referred me to a psychologist and has reassured me that I'm normal.
I don't like this new normal. I'm good at puting on the mask of a smile and a good scarf hat combo, but when any friend looks me in the eye and asks 'how you doing?' I collapse in a puddle of tears.
I've enrolled in the look good feel better workshop next week. I guess it's all a process.
Sorry for having a whinge.
Hope everyone is tripping along as well as can be expected.
Love & hugs
Karen
