What is my new normal?

Hi Karen,  Just putting in my two bobs worth!  If you're a basket case so am I, and if you need to apologise for having a whinge better count me in too.  We would have to be lunatics to rejoice in this cancer gig and be bright and cheerful about it all the time.  

My surgeon told me when I was diagnosed that the hard part about breast cancer is waiting to see if it comes back despite the fact that for most it never will....  at the time I was just focused on getting stuck into treatment and continuing on with life but now I get what she means.  I have finished active treatment now (though am starting some preventative surgery as my cancer was genetic and I am therefore at high risk of new cancer in addition to recurrence).  I started with chemo, had a mastectomy and cruised into radiotherapy feeling optimistic and positive for the most part....... then I feel like I crashed part way through radiotherapy.  Doesn't make logical sense as I was through the worst of it supposedly.  I have learnt that people love a positive cancer suffer, not all are so comfortable with with our negative feelings - sometimes including us.  I finished radiotherapy 4 weeks ago and have been told I can now consider myself to be in remission but guess what - I am getting back on track emotionally, but the last two months have been the worst of my 9 month journey - everyone expects me to be ecstatic at being in remission but I'm not always..... often I am just fearful of recurrence and pretty pessimistic.  I keep reminding myself that none of us should apologise for how we feel, our feelings are valid and there is no "right" way to feel at any point.  The last thing any of us need is guilt for how we feel on top of everything else.  You will feel better in time, cancer makes us find a new normal but we will be looking back on the bad times soon.  Wishing you all the best on your journey.  Xxx