Tantrums, Tiaras and involuntary tears

Question

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!
Day 8 - the day after second expansion
* Tantrums, Tiaras and involuntary tears.*
Yesterday was my second expansion and I must admit, I really didn't want to go!
My morning was filled with tears.....I don't want to go....I don't want to do this anymore....I want this to all go away! I wanted to scream and throw myself on the floor!
I cried and cried.....then got ready for my appointment.....
On arrival the surgeon greeted me with his usual cheery smile....How are you? I said OK, but hubby spilled the beans...I really wasn't OK...I was really down.....teary and tired...
There was a nurse assisting this time too.....she immediately saw that I was upset and did her best to console me.....OK time for saline fill.....
Right one - 140 mls! excellent!......tears falling down the side of my face.....are you OK? asks surgeon....Yep! I say.....nurse holds my arm....wipes my tears....hubby wipes my tears
Left one - 100 mls :( ouch this one hurts and feels fuller quicker....I tell him it feels like something is catching under my rib and it is painful....He explains that he knows why...he had to lift my abdomen muscle as well as my chest wall muscle on that side to secure the expander properly.....tears still
That done.....he asked again if I was OK....tears....I get changed and he disappears! I return to the room and the nurse gives me a hug! I apologise for my tears....We are left wondering if I upset the surgeon as he didn't even tell me about my next appointment!
We head to the coffee shop.....the pain is terrible....it even hurts to breathe!
Yesterday was a really low day....I just felt like crying all day....I feel so overwhelmed by it all...I have even thought about abandoning this reconstruction crap, just so I can heal and be 'normal' quicker!
An GP appointment after the expansion saw me come home with scripts for stronger pain killers AND anti depressants. I don;t know if I'll start the anti depressants....well see...but my GP urged me to try to as I don't need to be feeling like this...and she is right, but I again am confronted with possible side effects! I have absolutely had enough with side effects! I don't want to make myself sick on purpose any more.....I have enough to deal with....
Any way I'll give myself a few days on the new pain med, to see what side effects they may or may not throw at me BEFORE I add another ingredient into the mix master!
I suspect these tears are not only from being over everything but also a side effect, there's that frigging word again! side effect, of the hormone treatment I have started....GP agrees.....I really have had much chance to catch my breath between treatments and surgeries....but that doesn't change the fact I feel like a complete baby...a real sook....
I have also been blessed with the wonderful sensation of hot flushes! At first I didn't recognise them as hot flushes, but now they are more frequent I realise that 's exactly what they are! They aren't too bad and happen mostly through the day....
I also have some nice cording returning under my right arm....will have to get back to physio....it really is just one thing after another!
On arriving home after my appointments, I took some painkillers and dragged my sorry ass to bed for a nap......slept like a log...so exhausted...
My hubby is my champion...he has been to EVERY appointment, EVERY treatment, asks questions I forget to, remembers things that i forget, dobs on me to the Dr's, hugs me when I'm sad, high fives me when I'm feeling better....Cheers me on everyday.....Yesterday I could see the pain in his eyes watching me fall apart....THAT kills me too! He bought me coffee and raisin toast, held my hand, kissed my head and hugged me...I don't know what I'd do without him.....I can only tell him that I love him to the moon and back!
So today I am left feeling completely exhausted....drained....a little lost amongst the fog and a little embarrased for my tears at the Dr's.....but that's OK.... I will take today and rest....restore....tell myself its OK to not be OK....adjust my tiara and heal
https://youtu.be/j2WWrupMBAE

chrissk · Answer

Oh Tracy I know exactly how you feel.... I too had a "spastic" attack and made a complete fool of myself one day when I went to get radio.&nbsp; All the nurse did was pull the curtains in the room and I just went wild, crying sobbing not breathing properly it was terrible.... The nurses and doctor were all very lovely but I do feel your pain, no we didn't ask for this, no this is not what I look like, my boobs are not mine, I can go on and on and on.&nbsp; This onset of saddness is brought on by the hormone blockers and the crappy situation we are faced with everyday and I just can't help but feel very sad but I also seem very angry.&nbsp;
Ring the breast care nurse and they will put you in touch with other women who you can speak to and WILL understand your feelings.&nbsp;
But you know what you can scream and shout and let it all out (is that a song???) and it is OK xxxx&nbsp;

jd48 · Answer

Tracy, nonwonder you are felling the way you feel. Younhave been tbrough Hell and back with Chemo, surgery, this expansion torture and while on hormone meds... I mean hormones alone are anough to drive you nuts and affect you emotions. Not to mention going through the actual physical pain.
I am just glad you have decent pain killers now. &nbsp;And you are right - take it slowly on anti-depressants... If you need them fair enough but if you manage to adjust to the hormone meds YAY... Hot flushes are the pits... Is there a way you can maybe change the time of day you take them... I know some women changing the schedule found a bit of relief with the hot flushes...
And just wondering how your vitamin D was ? I know Vitamin D when low causes depression and a friend of mine who went through surgery treatment and started hormones last winter hit massive depression herself post starting Tamoxifen. She then started taking vitamin D supplement soon after and it really turned it arround for her. &nbsp;We have been protecting ourselves from the sun during Chemo so would not be surprising if D was low. &nbsp; Please have tour GP check it out as they can give you a once off injection that gives you an immediate boost and lasts 6 months.
All the best. ??????????????
Hugs
Jel.
&nbsp;

vinn2016 · Answer

I feel for you, and remember do not let anyone tell you what you should be thinking or feeling. This whole breast cancer thing is fricken crap and a big inconvenience to our lives ( an inconvenience none of us want). I can't imagine what you are going through. Maybe they need to have punching bags at our appointments so we can get out our frustrations. Like sometimes I just want to hit someone like my medical oncologist or my husband and I bet you feel the same way.

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Tantrums, Tiaras and involuntary tears

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