Surgery
Sometimes I just feel lost, overwhelmed, sad, shell shocked - like I've just experienced something really really bad and now I'm coming out the other side but I know this is only just the beginning.
It's a beautiful sun shiny day outside and I can't even summon the energy to walk out the front door. I'm so sore - my breast and in my heart. My whole entire being aches.
I'm home after surgery. Came home yesterday. Can't believe if was five days ago that started off so normally and ended with not even a nightmare, as I'd never even thought of this happening to me.
Dropped the kids to school just like a normal day - a rainy Monday morning it suited my mood. I gave them an extra special hug, said my special goodnight message to each of them knowing I wouldn't see or speak to them again for the day. Two brave little souls tottered off to their classes.
We drove to Hospital 1 - not a lot to say, wishing we were going anywhere else in the world. They were waiting for me - I was late for my appointment for the sentinel node biopsy - traffic. Reminded me of being late for being induced with my first born.
The sentinel node biopsy and hook wire insertion wasn't pleasant. I think I had about 6 needles in my left breast and one of them inserted a wire into the tumor. The dye was inserted. The Dr gives my left breast a massage to get the dye moving through - interesting! We had to wait an hour - no food or drink for me. Brad doing work, me facebooking - opposite each other in the cafe. An acquaintance walks past and comments on our 'romantic' situation - she doesn't know what we're here for does she?
Brad and I head back inside and I lie in the X-ray / scan machine with my arms above my head. It stings. The machine buzzes and whirrs as it moves firstly up and down and then around in circles. After what feels like an hour, I get up. I wait for my scans. It's time for the drive to Hospital 2 for surgery. My left breast stings, it feels like a fire is on the inside of my breast. It hurts a lot. I think, this is nothing compared to what it's going to hurt like.
I'm the last patient to be admitted. I have to wait 3 1/2 hours before I get called in to surgery and then it happens so fast. I'm so scared, not brave like all my friends think. Brad kisses me goodbye. The nurses and anesthetist are so nice. The surgeon talks to me, comforts me. It must be obvious I'm crapping myself. The oxygen mask goes on and then....
I wake up. They tell me my husband has been waiting outside for an hour. I cry and cry and cry. I'm sore, I'm sad, I don't want this to be happening to me. He stays with me until about 9:30. It's so comforting. Just what I need. There are no beds in the wards, I remain in day surgery with five other patients.
The days go relatively quickly. Nurses give me medication, more blankets, check I'm comfortable, encourage me to walk outside. My dear friend Nic brings me coffee, makes sure I've got everything I need. I get flowers, chocolates, visitors and lots of messages. I feel like people care. It's a nice feeling amongst all the uncertainty and scariness.
Then home. My own bed. The noise of children, life going on...
