Round 3 TCH day 5
Chemo round 3 TCH, day 5
3 to go and then operation, double mastectomy and now learned I will need more chemo and radiation as cancer in loads of lymph nodes. They did tell me this back in Jan but it’s only the 3rd visit with my oncologist that the news actually penetrated. Every time I have an appointment I try my hardest but yes my mind goes into La La land. Certain points then become a shock obviously for the second time. Always take someone with you. Chemo fog /brain is the hardest thing to address. My 3.5 year old grand-child told me “silly Grand-ma, you have not put my seat belt on properly” God I hate it. I feel so child like. Double check everything....it’s the only way and take your time doing anything out of the norm.
It’s probably not the best idea to write a blog as I struggle daily with the after marth of chemo, but I feel the need so going with it.
I am still probably classified as a newbie as only diagnosed Jan 13 2014 and then things were slow as I also had a broken left humerus which had to be plated and screwed before starting chemo as my tumour was over 10cm. All on the left side ladies along with lymph nodes. 3 Benign cysts in the right breast hence double mastectomy!
I am 55yrs old at the end of May solo for 15yrs raising 5 children. I just would like to write about how I feel after the shock of those few words that change your life. “You have stage 3 aggressive cancer”. This is not at all coming from depression or morbid feeling and I apologise before hand if it makes anyone in our situation feel down or depressed.
There were lots of tears and so much FEAR not of actually dying but how I may end up dying.
I have always found FEAR in life; the most threatening emotion, FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN must be one of the worst feelings ever to singular deal with. Not the Flight type but deep FEAR of the unknown. I STOPPED DEAD in my tracks which was relatively easy for me as don’t forget I had become already used to being sick with a very painful broken arm that refused to mend since last Oct 2013, this new news was just a further kick in the butt telling me I will not be working for quite a while. I work for the department of child protection and I so miss it. It’s not an easy job by any means but I always felt I was making a difference to some families/children in crisis and that was enough for me.
So back on track to why I wanted to blog:
WA has had one hell of a week for car accidents, murder and suspicious death.....a shark fatality and so it goes on. I could be in the car tomorrow and meet my maker but I do feel lucky under the circumstances that I have been forewarned. I am not going to live forever (and who the hell wants to?) but being told you have a journey ahead of you does make a huge difference in how you look at things. I could have 10 yrs or 5 yrs or end up dying next week with some horrible infection but at least I have been told back in Jan that my life is moving forward and do not expect anything. Nothing is any longer Black and White.
Sit back and smell the roses, take stock at what is important. I have met some amazing battlers on this site and “well done”. I just wanted to put into words something I heard .......the day we first breathe is the day our body starts dying”
Having said all of the above I am truly pissed off with this avalanche of mouth ulcers running havoc over my tongue and down my throat...it’s like clockwork 4th day after chemo......it’s disgusting and cannot eat anything along with flu like symptoms making me appear when walking like a very old women. Still drinking the metallic tasting water copiously and made a supreme effort and took my gorgeous grandchild 3.5 yrs to Aston’s circus this afternoon in Rockingham and then stuck stickers all over her visiting bedroom wall. She moved out with Mum 3 weeks ago and we have never been allowed to stick stickers on her wall (in my home) before now! Wonderful day even though I feel like shit.
What lovely weather and everyone have as good a Sunday as possible.
Healing hugs
Sarah54
