Really feel upset; need to talk to someone
Hi Ladies, boy what has happened to me this week and I don't even start the chemo until tomorrow. We had to do a 300+ k round trip to see a specialist yesterday. After the consultation we stopped at a small town to go into a supermarket - I stayed in the car. My husband returned to the car to find me sobbing my heart out. I couldn't stop it, the flood gates opened. Since then I have been crying on and off and bouts of anger. I thought I had this thing in hand, but obviously have been in some sort of denial. I had to have another scan this morning and all I did was bawl like a big sook. The nursing staff were wonderful and I told the doctor 'I had been in denial' - he said 'denial isn't bad' - I said 'denial is great, I want to go back there 'cos it sure felt better than this. I suppose because I found out I also have 12 months of Herceptin treatment with radio & chemo, it has all been a bit much - especially when things went awry in theatre last week. Suddenly when I walk through the hospital doors, staff are waving to me and they all know me - I find it all a combination of good, but also terrifying. I keep bursting into tears, and I told my husband if I bite his head off, not to take it personally because I don't mean to lash out at him. Already I am totally 'over this' but have to 'plod on'. Right now I don't want any visitors or phone calls, I dont have anything that can be described as a 'brave face' - not this week any way, I am fed up with the goal posts being moved. I was told I have 4 months of Chemo, 4-6 weeks of Radiotherapy and 12 months of Herceptin (three weeks apart). They told me "I have a long haul ahead"". I guess this was the catalyst for my onset of foot-thumping, grunting and sobbing. It certainly put the brakes on any plans I had. I don't want to sound like a winge, but I am a bit upset. I know about the upsides of treatment etc. But at the moment I just feel like a small child who wants to throw a major paddy. To cap it off, I am back to square one with my arm as the port is in that same side as they had problems with the other side, so I am bandaged up again and sore as a sore thing. Oh dear, some one hand the girl a big hanky!
