Thank you to each and every one of you for helping me through the day. I did have fat wet tears, lots of them - like a faulty tap pouring tears.
I understand that terrible things are happening inside my body, be it cancer or chemo and I know that chemo is the good guy in all of this but the damage it unleashes is brutal. A private conversation constantly seems to be taking place between my brain and my body, one I am excluded from. It then makes me question..what/where are my personal ethics towards my body? I am an advocate for the chemo right now yet its destroying other parts of me. If my heart, etc suffers what have I won? Taking more meds to manage symptoms that potential bring on additional symptoms, is something I struggle with.
"In lieu of a husband - "that’s how you want it to be. So it can kill the bad ones’". I went to bed at midnight with red eyes and wet cheeks and I took those words with me, holding them closely and tightly ever so dearly to my racing heart xx
I have trust in the team of ONCs and I trust ʻmeʻ to heal self however, between the not having the same energy to keep rising after each solid blow and feeling those close to me really donʻt get it - donʻt get that most of the time, I dont know what I want or need. To be present, is a very special gift in these circumstances and I see instead of presence, a check list.
Iʻm just sad, tired even as I have worked (a much lighter load) during the treatments and will aim to continue for as long as I possibly can.
Your individual stories give me hope and courage at my most vulnerable times. I give thanks to you all xx
