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Keiley's avatar
Keiley
Member
10 years ago

Just being honest

This week was my callback to have core biopsy done on the lump - a week or so after an FNA diagnosed cancer there. I struggled with anxiety around this one. I understand why they were doing it, but my fear would not be shaken off. I was physically wracked with terror. I'm realising that though this is all happening really quickly, I'm distracted from the reality of a cancer diagnosis and getting on with things in between these appointments. Even when I take a moment for myself and 'check in' I'm still essentially numb and in the fog everyone talks about here. But when I'm lying on a table with nurses around me and my boob is out and sharp things are getting stuck into it - I can't hide from that. Suddenly it is all VERY VERY REAL. Everyone is very professional and calm and genuinely wonderful - but it fills me with terror. Pathologists and nurses and receptionists are usually quite matter-of-fact in my experience. But now they are all soft and encouraging and calling me sweetheart - is it just me? Maybe I'm walking around with a terrified look on my face? Can they see me trembling?

I'm a single mum and I need to be functional at home - I'm honest with them about how I'm feeling but at the end of the day kids need a lift and they want to spend time with their friends - and so they should! Some days the fact that they need to go for a drive to keep their learner hours up stops me from rolling up in a ball and never coming out. 

As I'm writing this I'm realising I will need to go ask for some counselling or find a support group for some face to face. I don't have many close friends and have been single a long time, and my parents are a bit frail to be hearing all about how terrified I really am. I know how these things can cause people to isolate themselves further and I don't want to do that. I work with some great people and I don't want to withdraw from them because I can't trust myself to compartmentalise my feelings. I've just started my career in the past 18 months and I really want to try my best to keep a toe in there til I'm well enough again to go back. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself but I know I'm struggling with this because I've lead the way for many years now. 

I'm so glad there are phone lines to call and groups to attend and volunteers to speak with and BC nurses to talk to and that this community is here and that I can blog everything I want to if it helps. I'm grateful for the effort you make to connect here. 

So for now I wait for the results of the core biopsy to find out the type and stage of the cancer, while I hug my bruised boob. Of course I'm terrified! Who wouldn't be? 

emotions

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  • Flamenco2625's avatar
    Flamenco2625
    Member
    10 years ago

    HI Keiley,

                      I do understand  how you are feeling I had two biopsy one the core one before I was diagnosed and the  the recent one for three spots that showed on an utra sound . The first showed breast cance, rthe spots showed harmless cysts but until I got the last recent reults,  I was extremly terrified and tried to be prepared for the worst .So I know very well how traumatic it can be, that apart from other tests we have to do like CT scan bone scan etc.With me there was the added trauma of the medical peolpe having difficut time injectiing the dye in the veins making a needed MRI cannot be performed( will be done later) so I am having a porta-cath device done a day before chemo starts.

    I agree with what Brendas suggested about the kids driving lessons. This group I find awesome and ready to help you. I know the real battle or journey like it is called, is going to be tough for myself and the family but I reason with myself there is nothing we, who have cancer can do but just TRY TO be positive which is very hard  for me being a worrywart by nature. Have a nice weekend. Good luck with the biopsy.

  • Brenda5's avatar
    Brenda5
    Member
    10 years ago

    Even though everyone was nice while I got the core biopsy I hated what they did every second and the bruise! Omg it was awful for weeks. I felt so violated. I reckon we should have trauma counselling honestly.

    In the learner driving of the kids, could you contact some driving schools and maybe do a deal on a few lessons? Perhaps the cancer council could even find a few dollars to keep them going? Anything's possible.

    It is possible the biopsy will say nothing more than what sort of cancer it is. Only the full biopsy when they cut the whole thing out will add in all the other vital information. I think they like to do the biopsy just to make sure they aren't just cutting out a fatty cyst or something not as life threatening.