It's all a bad dream....
From today's blog
Day 17 - after round 1
I've been dreaming everyday, but remembering them for about a month or so...some are crystal clear and some are an eclectic mix of "screenshots" of my life and memories. I have interpreted most of them and they all point to my fears and realizations about my current situation. I always take notice of my dreams and I advise others to as well. They carry powerful messages and can help us through our daily lives.
I wake up everyday hoping this is all a 'bad dream'. But once my brain shifts into gear and my eyes focus properly, I see that this is no dream, this is my reality. I realise that this is just the beginning, although it seems like it's been forever already and sometimes I do wonder if I can get through it.
A few people have said to me 'I don't know what I'd do if it were me,.. you're so strong' Well, let me tell you this...You would do EXACTLY what I'm doing! Sure you would have moments of disbelief, anger, sadness and it's not fair feelings, but then you would snap yourself back and charge ahead. There's a saying that is often sent to me..."You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" This is true....In a crisis, yes we crumble at first, but then the inner warrior surges forward and takes charge...we somehow get on with it...it is programmed into us from birth...THE INSTINCT TO SURVIVE..
When I was diagnosed I was given my whole care plan. From start to finish, then told not to think too far ahead! The truth is I'm always thinking ahead, terrified of what if this, what if that.....will I get through chemo? What will it be like to face the biggest surgery of my life, what will life be like after that, will I want to do ANY of it? It's easy to get caught up and get yourself down...too easy...
Then i stop myself...
I stop myself and say..Hey you! You WILL get through chemo...yes it will be tough, but you are tougher! You WILL get through the surgery and come out the other side sparkling like a diamond...Your life will be renewed, refreshed and simpler...You CAN and WILL do it! You WILL punch, kick and beat this bitch until she runs screaming back to Hell and every day until then and after that she will say "Oh shit! Look out, She's up!"
One day, ...I will wake up, look in the mirror and it all will be just a bad dream....
