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NaturalBel's avatar
NaturalBel
Member
12 years ago

I expected to be ok!

I didn't care what type of cancer I had, or the technical details, I left that to the people who had spent all those years at Uni to know all of that.  

I had the initial reaction of panic, fear, and devastation.  We get so self involved in the unknown, and the fear, it is simply an overwhelming event that no one can ever be prepared for.  

Soon after I began chemo I got the slap in the face realisation that at a breast cancer conference of 200 women, a lot had more than one experience.  I recall thinking, give me a break, this is my first, I am having enough trouble coping with the first time.  

I got very fussy headed during chemo, and hated the side effects, avoided the public because I didnt want to catch anything extra, and prepared all my own food, not trusting of others hygiene.

At times I got frustrated and at times I cried and felt sorry for myself.  Most of the time I just couldnt believe I had been removed from my life at a stage I felt well, and was totally unprepared for any of it.  

For a while I got caught up with wanting to know what percentage of a chance did I have to survive, and realise after a while that no one had a crystal ball! 

I was exhausted at the end of it and was very grateful to have had that year off, with lots of afternoon sleeps right up until the 11th month.

I went back to a 20 hour a week, basic job. A friend of mine on the other hand went back to a demanding 50 hr a week management position and is struggling.  Rest, and pace yourself.  

Going back to work has had its own struggles, it's not all open arms and understanding by everyone, but in time, we adjust.

I have decided not to focus on "What if it comes back", and to live the rest of my life as I did before - career focused, busy, and lots of things to do!  

They say our mental attitude is as important as our diet. As a message to those who havent had a lucky time, or are struggling on an off day, or didn't get good news, I am mindful that cheeriness can annoy some at times, and I respect that too.  I understand that this post isn't every ones story, I do know however, it is only mine.  

Love Bel, after all, it is human nature to fight til the end...............I expect that to be 100 and smiling!

1 Reply

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    12 years ago
    I agree that mental attitude is as important as lifestyle factors. My hubby and I had a great talk last night about how differently I/we think and act since bc. I am not sure exactly what it is but I do not dwell on negatives anymore. I think I still have empathy (probably more than before) but I don't judge/assume anymore. If someone does something that effects me negatively I deal with it so differently. I don't try to change their behavior or actions, I just worry about mine. I used to want to fix everything and everyone, now I realize that we are only responsible for our own actions/decisions. I even joke about karma and use this to make situations less stressful. For instance hubby and I were driving on the highway and there was an annoying car, towing a jet ski, going slow in the right hand lane and not getting left when they could have. Hubby was getting hot under the collar but I had him relaxed and laughing with my idea that they were gathering negative karma from their actions. I suggested that when they got where they were going maybe the jet ski would not start and they would wonder why! I just feel so calm and love it! Mind you with my poor memory since chemo maybe I just forget a lot of the things that might have played on my mind before! Glad you are feeling so positive too, Bel. Deanne xx