What a wonderful description of what we all have been through I felt myself transported back to 10/06/11, same conversation, lol.
I am sorry you have to join us here as a newbie but you will find so many answers, alternatives, questions to ask and get so much support then as newbies sadly come along you in turn will give support and understanding.
Wishing you all the best and remember to come here even in your darkest, that's what we have all done, so walk that road and don't be fearfull that none will hear your cries for help.
Cheryl