BAD HAIR DAYS etc...

Less than half a head of hair!  What to do?  Keep it or shave it all off is the question. Having lost my hair on four previous occasions due to side-effects from chemotherapy, I’m reluctant to get rid of what I do have. 

Perhaps I should reserve that decision for another day but it is somewhat of a dilemma –decisions, decisions – if only that was the toughest decision I ever have to make but cooler weather is coming and having a bald pate at night can be uncomfortable as beanies tend to slip off and so I know I will feel more comfortable with some sort of covering on my head and some hair will be better than no hair.  I’ll keep what I have for now.

In the meantime I’ve rummaged through hats, berets, turbans and scarves that I’ve accumulated in the past.  Some have never been worn because although they look okay in the shop, as often happens when you try them on at home they just don’t do it for you.  I’m sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, amongst my stash of headgear I found a bright pink beret with a pink sparkly thread running through it and with a little bit of hair showing as a fringe and some at the sides, I feel confident that if there’s a bit of a breeze, what hair I do have won’t fly around and make me look too ‘haggish’.

The majority of women who lose most of their hair choose to shave what’s left and be done with it which is what I have done in the past.  My loss of hair this time has been gradual and therefore not as devastating as it was on previous occasions when it fell out in a matter of days.  I thought I could cope with it thinning but I seem to have lost more than I anticipated.  Perhaps I’m accustomed to the oft times changing appearance of my hair:  grows back curly and dark eventually becomes straight once more but now it’s skimpy, grey and unattractive.

 It’s interesting to observe how this enforced baldness affects each woman in different ways.  Some women are more than willing to openly wear their baldness as perhaps part of their own coping mechanism by not feeling embarrassed and hiding it away underneath some sort of head covering but having the confidence to go out in public with a bald head.  It can also depend on the shape of one’s head but I admit it would be too great a challenge for me.  Most women say that the worst side-effect of treatment is their hair loss when actually it’s the one side-effect that doesn’t make you feel ill.  I guess it’s an indication to others that you have had a nasty diagnosis and need to have sometimes nasty treatment.  Most women just want to look as normal as possible.

Scarves and some hats still can indicate that chemotherapy treatment is being undertaken.  A wig is best in my opinion as these days the wigs are so good they can hardly be detected thus enabling one to blend in and just be part of the crowd.  To me it’s not vanity but it’s important for me to have the outward appearance of normality and for a short while feel that I am just like most others in the community.  It is a relief to keep the awful truth hidden for a short time by not revealing that in reality you are facing a difficult and troubling time in your life.

Losing one or both breasts is also extremely hard to come to terms with as it is the loss of a body part that is in essence an outward sign of our femininity.  We not only lose the ability to wear different necklines but to also have a cleavage which is another outward sign of a huge loss that we see and are aware of every day.  Easy enough to cover up:  some choose reconstruction, others go with an external prosthesis and others choose to do nothing.  We all have choices but we alone know how this loss affects our emotional wellbeing.  At least we do have choices and can make decisions about what we feel most comfortable with.

Baldness, shocking though it is, after all is a temporary setback and our hair will eventually grow back but put that together with the loss of a body part which will not re-grow and which defines us as women, are monumental events and often take many years to come to terms with.  Both of these losses are outward signs of our femininity and even though they can be covered up when we go out into the world they are something that we can see and therefore are a constant reminder of our illness and contribute to a feeling of a loss of control over our bodies.

The internal assault of cancer on our bodies causes us to hand over any control we assumed we had prior to diagnosis to unknown outsiders.  Although the medicos are trying their best to keep us alive for as long as possible, it is a huge leap of faith to put our bodies and lives in their hands.  Of course we do have the option of saying “No more, enough is enough”.  Hard decisions may need to be made at some point – we can say the words to ourselves but I don’t look forward to saying those words to my doctors.

Finding an acceptable balance between quality of life and taking these toxic drugs into one’s body in order to extend life draws a fine line in the sand.  Chemotherapy drugs only hold the cancer at bay for a time and then it’s onto the next drug and the next and so on until the options run out.  Each time a new drug is introduced the anxiety levels soar.  What if I can’t tolerate this one and will the next one be better or worse?  The only way of course is to give it a try and hope for the best but the apprehension is great.