Where im at...

The red devil, yes... because i cant pee normally due to haveing this SPC ( Super Pubic Cathetar) in my tummy, it takes a few days to run clear. My bladder can only hold around 500ml at a time, but i expel about 150 at a time, which leaves risidual behind, thus sometimes causing an infection, then on anti's etc, so i have a double whammy so to speak. Feels like i have a target on my head that says HIT GAYLE HERE! lol. But like i said, i DEAL with that, have done for almost 16 years. As for my BC... I found the lump on Dec 1st while i was in bed, tests proved i had a couple more, my breast had to come off, i said straight away, take it off! On the 17th Feb, 2012, I got in the shower, soaped myself up, cupped my breast and cried. I felt stupid! I didnt want to cry!!! But i couldnt help it,  I was saying good bye. And they were the nicest set of tits!!  My ex husbands name is tattooed across the top of the right one, i asked my surgeon if he could please remove the name after 23 years, he said no, unfortunatley he needed that bit to attach to the bottom bit! hahahaha, 23 years, and i STILL couldnt get rid of him!!! ( i had it covered over years ago, but it still reminds me what an ass he was). My now husband of 22 years is sooo much nicer! :)

I had/have  an amazing breast care team, from my surgeon ( he flys his own little plane to work from Melb and grows walnuts here in Lakes, im free to consult with him on the street, he asks how im going and we chat)... the medical team at Bairnsdale hopsital, nurses, thatre etc, are fabulous!! and so is the FOOD!! ( Im a chef) They cradled me all the way through, and i felt very much looked after. My breast was removed, I had minimal discomfort, Clem ( surgeon) kept me in for 10 days to make sure i was ok, drains removed, staples removed, and i couldnt have wished for better service. I grieved before i lost it, i knew it had to come off, my results werent good, if i didnt have it removed, or any treatment, i would NOT be here now! I get frustrated at the 'teddy bear' stuffing i pop in my huge nanna bra, but i think ive managed to get it to look ok, 16C is hard to shape! Im not a candidate for an implant, and realy, if its uncomfortable having one off, i dont want one in! I was sore an achey while my tissue and skin moulded to my chest, but im good now! I had a feeling of broken ribs for awhile, hard to breath deep, and i thought if this is one breast, i cant imagine two off!!

I inject clexain, last day today, only because the ports in, im generaly mobile. How are you with Lymphodema? did you have an auxillery clearance?? i find if i dont massage my arm down, and around my back, and do 30 min of excercise in the morning, i stiffen up and ache. My hand and arm twinge if im doing too much with them; cutting up food, washing dishes etc, but i softly massage it and im ok.

Who would have thought Mel, we'd be here at this point in lour lives, doing things we never imagined to keep surviving! I have moments, and man theyre not good, last night i cried myself to sleep, the port makes my body ache,i kept thinking i want to give up, as trying to see my way to September is so far away! I start radio after this then. My mum died when i was 15 from substance abuse ( heart attack), and i was left alone. My sons 16, and i need to be here for him, i struggled, he doesnt need to. My mans very supportive, altho at a loss himself at times... but together we cope. occassionaly we sleep together, but i find with this, we both sleep better apart, that way i dont wake him when i cant sleep at 3am, or need to keep getting up to the toilet!

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who is that in there???? I see a bald, one breasted, bruised, tube in the tummy, false teeth, port in the neck, plumpish ogre! Then, somedays i shower and dress up, pop on a lil make up and feel awsome!!! Its strange, very strange. days i want to socialise, days when i want no one around. Im on facebook if you want to find me, Gayle Taylor, pic of a colorful eye tatoed on my arm, ( im a muso and TOOLs my favourite band. I have about 50 friends, i limit who i chat to, as no one digs my thinking, lol, but here, in BC world, i now have a NEW connection to people. :)