I was so looking forward to a works Christmas Party this weekend to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a quite a while as well as friends who have been there for me since the beginning of this shitty BC journey. I got the old glad rags on ready for a fun night but once having got there I just felt I didn't belong. Like some sort of out of body experience when you are there but not there?? It was lovely to see people but I couldn't muster up one ounce of fun or enjoyment for the evening when everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves. With the realisation all I wanted to do was go home I left early with plenty of tears driving home thinking what the hell is wrong with me. I know in my heart it will get better, I guess it was just one of those moments when you want your old life back and some sense of normality.

B4 this happened to me i was literally terrified of breast cancer. Flipped straight past any magazine article about it, was sick with fear seeing any pink washing in the media and totally upset by the amount of reminders of cancer around me. I didnt need all these reminders im a total stickler for pap smears and mammograms and was scared witless by the constant bc narrative.My mother died of agressive lung cancer only 6 weeks after diagnosis , her only symptom was she was a little bit tired. Shortly after that a friend was diagnosed with throat cancer. I literally avoided her. I only visited once or twice not because i was mean and didnt care. I didnt feel able to look at her and tell her she was going to b ok after the shock of my mother's sudden death at the age of 68. I felt that i couldnt b a positive presence at that time so i was better off not to b there. I Was terrified at the evidence people my age were also getting this horrible disease. Weak? Maybe. I am universally known as very strong this particular thing i just couldnt cope with. Mayb because i see my strength as so integral to my identity, any reminder of the possibility of being vulnerable terrifies me. Selfish? Probably. Something to work on . Yes!! ( i have since explained and apologised to her. Things probably wont be the same but thats ok thats life) After that, For my own bc experience originally i only talked to one friend because i knew she had also been through bc fairly recently and i wanted to ask her about her experience at the local hospital. We talked a couple of times but she has never mentioned it since, never asked how my surgeries went. Should i be offended?? I prefer to think its her way of putting her own experiences in the past and coping the way she needs to cope. We talk about our shared passion of music and bc is never mentioned. Most people i know still hav no idea of what happened to me ( including my now recovered friend that had the throat cancer) as i hate talking about personal stuff. I just dont get as into the sisterhood vibe as much I would dearly like to. Any way im admitting this hoping to provide a different perspective in understanding someone who might not have given the support that was wanted. And maybe lessen a tiny bit of hurt. I hope every one is feeling 'as good as can be expected' today. X

I too had the friend baling out issue,best friend since primary school,I got cancer December 2016,after telling her heard nothing for 5 weeks,not even a text, then a short text saying hope you well,that’s it. In 2 years since then 2 more texts,I was quite bitter for awhile,then about month ago we meet for lunch, things are different and will never be same between us but the lunch gave me a something like closure and I left it thinking we will happily go our own ways now.like you said there are many other who were there and stepped up,I just move on a invest my time with them.

The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced. Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again! Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present. It will pass and you will settle! In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!Take care

A woman after my own heart @Elizebeth. Listening to dweezels rabbitting on about which movie star, singer, sports legend etc is humping whom, who has or hasn't had a facelift, or uses botox ...which unemployed Brit (that is member of the Royal Family) is up the duff, somehow gets me hopping mad. That people would spend minutes or hours of their lives enraptured by this drivel astounds me. Different strokes I guess...

@Elizebeth sounds like my staff atm. If they keep it up I’m slapping their heads together. I told my boss last week that I think looking your mortality in the face changes the way you think and you have no time for fools! My staff are being particularly stupid currently which is annoying the crap out of me. If someone came to my office to complain about how someone looks at them I’d have told them to grow up or go back to primary school

The New Me. | BCNA Online Network

72 Replies

arpie
Member
7 years ago
All the best today, @tigerbeth .... all fingers & toes crossed for a good result xx Thanks for the tip on Souvanade .... I'll see if I can find some! xx
tigerbeth
Member
7 years ago
Thanks Kate x
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
And thinking of you too today @tigerbeth. May it all be nothing. K xox
tigerbeth
Member
7 years ago
Oh @arpie what a pain in the a...
know how you feel ! The waiting sucks !
Fingers crossed for you !
There is a product called Souvanade you can buy at a chemist or order direct from the company that is supposed to help dementia patients
you drink it every day
my dad had it , I think it may have helped a bit !
Thinking of you xx
Kiwi_Angel
Member
7 years ago
@arpie thinking of u and sending huge hugs xoxoox
arpie
Member
7 years ago
Many Thanks for your support ladies - I appreciate it ..... I am feeling a tad better about it than 4pm this arvo! :(

Just hope I can hold it together tomorrow at the uke gig & on the Thurs one & again Sun & many days next week! :( We had 2 today, playing at 2 x Old Folks Homes - they really loved it!

Hopefully I can schedule the biopsy between the gigs as I have a few free days available (Rad Onc said it could be anytime in the next week or two) - and also have a couple of afternoons free (and that gives me time to get up there, too.) I would love to see the Rad Onc asap after .... but will have to wait for the results first - it took 10 days last time after the biopsy between Xmas & New Year after Public Holidays - results not til Jan 5th! :(

Yet another Xmas & possible New Year stuffed!! FUCK IT! (Excuse the French!)

Funny tale - hubby dropped me off for a kayak fish the other day & then turned up to the wrong spot to pick me up - he took a while to find me - and hadn't taken the phone (as I'd suggested - cos I thought it may happen! Silly boy!) :( Sadly, It seems par for the course now - it has happened before but I hadn't put it down to his dementia! Will have to organise a map & notes on how to find me, methinks!!
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
@arpie Bloody hell R! Just what you DON'T need at this juncture. All my bits are crossed that it's nothing. Biggest of bear hugs, K xox
kitkatb
Member
7 years ago
Cripes @arpie, That's all you need these added stresses. Thinking of you and hope all okay with hubby as well. Got all my fingers and toes crossed for you. Big hugs to you. katie xox
Flaneuse
Member
7 years ago
@arpie What a rough time you're having - slings & arrows from all directions. Strength to you. Fran
iserbrown
Member
7 years ago
@arpie
Far out there's always something
Please be comforted to know thinking of you and hoping it's a cautious call up only
Hugs

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