Forum Discussion
The New Me.
I was so looking forward to a works Christmas Party this weekend to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a quite a while as well as friends who have been there for me since the beginning of this shitty BC journey. I got the old glad rags on ready for a fun night but once having got there I just felt I didn't belong. Like some sort of out of body experience when you are there but not there?? It was lovely to see people but I couldn't muster up one ounce of fun or enjoyment for the evening when everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves. With the realisation all I wanted to do was go home I left early with plenty of tears driving home thinking what the hell is wrong with me. I know in my heart it will get better, I guess it was just one of those moments when you want your old life back and some sense of normality.
72 Replies
- That's a great analogy @kmakm about the genies bottle.
Yes @iserbrown a total disconnect.
Fact is we can say it as it is here as everyone can relate. I think Saturday night was a greater realisation for me of how I've moved on in a different direction and it just hit the right nerve. - And I hear you folks too. My response to the ...head tilted slightly to the side, earnest frown lines on the forehead, hand on shoulder or forearm with the accompanying..."So how are you"? is answered with a slight modification of a saying picked up here @kmakm..I think, but not sure. I say "Well I'm not looking at the lid...yet...so I guess that's a bonus". That usually causes a good long pause as they process my response. This doesn't get trotted out to those of my friends and family who are genuine. They usually pose their question after giving me a warm hug.
- Hear hear @Sister. I have fully adopted 'As well as can be expected' which was @primek's suggestion I think. Or @Romla's. Sorry, can't remember... I continue to be a genie's bottle; too often the enquiry is accompanied by the person rubbing my arm...
- One of the things I struggle with is the constant "How are you?" I know people are trying to show that they care but honestly, I can't be honest and still be socially acceptable. I'd much rather something like, "Hi! Good to see you!" and then move on to another topic. I've gone through a shit time but I'd rather talk about something else and really, most people wouldn't want to know how I'm actually feeling.
- Totally get it @kitkatb. More than once I've had that sort of out of body experience and thought 'what the f**k am I doing here?'
- For many people, diagnosis and treatment radically changes day to day life. It's not so surprising therefore that there may be a post treatment period of uncomfortable limbo. I didn't go through it myself, so I can't pretend to 'get it', but I can understand how confusing, limiting and difficult it could be. @iserbrown makes a good point that these adjustments can take longer than you might think to work theough. We feel for you, it's a rough path but time may make it smoother and happier. Best wishes.
- I totally 'get it' @kitkatb - I find socialising quite difficult too. You can only 'fake it til you make it' for 'so long'!
We are going to a dinner on Sat - and I am also not really looking forward to it. Tho i shall get thru it. I've become a real home body!
I am with you, @"Annie C" - where is my 'old self'? I could drive all day too - tho I must admit in recent years to preferring only 4-5hrs a day now, not 8-10 as in the old days! Yep - you were on Auto Pilot - cos it had to be done.
You wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall when those bloody nuisance calls come in ..... I am getting very short & sharp with them these days ....... F Off!
Take care everyone - specially if out driving over this silly season!! xxx - The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced. Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again! Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present. It will pass and you will settle! In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!
Take care - I love to socialise again but even 2 years on from chemo and I still find I'm ready to go earlier and just slob in my lounge.
I think initially chit chat small talk is so hard. We've been on an incredible ride and the little things that bother people seem so trivial against it. The art of small talk takes practise too. It's a skill you will quickly re-learn again. Kath x - @kitkatb
I too would like my old life back. I know it is not to be, but gee I still hanker for it.
I haven't yet adjusted to the new me. Maybe I never will.
@Blossom1961
Thankyou for normalizing my feelings regarding telephone calls from family members. I am so "over it" with being lectured to by my older sister and brother. Join the club, brother and sister, then you can tell me what to do.
Today I realised what the new me means. Decided that we would go to Broome for a spot of shopping. 440 kms round trip. 2 years ago not a problem. Home now and "stuffed".
How on earth I managed driving to Broome and then flying to Perth for treatment and then back home every couple of weeks has me wondering.
I must have been tougher than I thought or I just worked on autopilot to get through treatment.
