It's not all Kylie

Hi Annie, thank you for reply, it inspires me to keep going with blogging or writing about me experiences. Your frankness is also refreshing- like you I had given up on sex. My vagina has completely atrified- the 6 monthly pap smears are agony- I mean biting down on the pillow so I don't scream! BUT after 2 and 1/2 years I finally mentioned this issue with my oncologist( who looks to me like a cross between Christopher plumber in 'sound of music' & Daniel Craig) so really easy to bring this subject up when I've put on 8 kgs that I can't shift, and I have a saline skin expander in that only was supposed to be in for 2 years- so now it is rock hard and painful. I have slight lymphodemia and woke up one night with circulation in ring finger cut off- trying to get my 40 th birthday diamond ring off- I was panicking that I'd have to go to emergency to cut it off. These are things I don't even tell my husband because it's so much. But my oncologist recommended I use a product called Pjur - silica based. I had to go to an 'adult shop' to get it. Fortunately a friend came with me and the lady serving was very helpful! She also suggested reading the now much discussed '50 shades of grey'. I appreciate your honesty about he sex thing cause NO ONE talks about it- & I'm so over 'helpful' friends telling me 'well there's other things you can do' they have no idea of how hard it all is a package- menopausal, weight gain, scars, pain, fatigue and the fear of how long your new husband will be ok with not having intercourse. My husband is 18 months younger than me. Like you we thought that after all the treatment things would go back to normal! That I think was the biggest blow. During all the chemo, radiation, herceptin we thought I'd get better. Not the case at all.it has put a huge strain on our relationship- my husband in a vulnerable moment said , " so will I never have sex again , I'm only 44?" my heart broke for him- I have tears in my eyes just saying this. He also said things have changed so much that I'm such a different person now - he loves me but with all the changes he doesn't have the same desire.i know this is a VERY personal thing to put out there on he net!!! And some close friends have been mortified and think its so cruel of him to say that. However I pushed him into talking about it- the silence and non communication was another barrier to overcome. I knew he felt this! We've been together so long, I cd feel his pain. I said I look in the mirror and I can see too the changes. My breasts were my best feature. I loved them!!! He loved them! Annie if I've learnt anything it is that women being frank with each other and giving your partner the opening to express their grief, their loss can help the healing process. Unless you've been in our place it is so hard for others to understand. Wow - I've got so much to say! I'm having my reconstruction in 5 wks! And again it isn't a great chance to get a tummy tuck and a great new set of boobs- which is what I was to D over and over and over again by people when I was first diagnosed. People would do the whole ' I know people who've been thru it and they have new boobs and a flat tummy, it'll all ok' - I won't tell you how I wanted to respond to that!!! I'm sure you can imagine! Im not able to have that option! I'm having the surgery where they take my back muscle and swing it under my armpit. I thought and was told that if I got skin expander I wouldn't have to use muscle. Another false hood because like you my tumors were more than 5 cm so 6 wks of radiation - which ruins your skin and I need skin to hold an implant. I'm not allowed to get my portacath out because dr thinks chances of recurrence are so high:-(. Another reminder - 8 weekly flushes for the next 4 years at least. I totally relate to how you now feel self conscious. Being told 'but you look so good' just drives me nuts because ' whatever' - I don't feel like me. I look in the mirror and an 80 yr old looks back at me. I look SO different. I feel SO different- and I do remind myself that at least I'm here! Its our own personal challenge to embrace our different selves and that takes time. When life doesn't just magically go back to normal,mwhen we can't work, when we're struggling with self image and our sexuality then it will take time. Annie hang in there. I hope the Pjur tip helps, I haven't actually tried it yet cause my husband put a disc out two days after I bought it... Funny in a totally black comedy way! Take care and sending my best wishes Jac x