Forum Discussion
Help, i don't know how to handle the sadness thats coming.
i have to see a very special doctor of my care team tomorrow for an appointment, and it’s the first time I will be seeing her after I heard she has recently been through breast cancer herself.
Im terrified. I am so scared of how emotional it might be. I don’t know what I’ll say to her. I feel like a total selfish idiot for making this about me, but I am just so scared I’ll have to face all this grief I’ve been running away from, because I won’t be able to handle knowing she had to go through it all too 😥 I don’t think I can handle the f*#!king INJUSTICE of this disease hurting the Carers who got ME through it. My brain can’t process that. It’s just too unfair.
please help me find some kind of strategy to go and be in this appointment without bawling and panicking. I don’t know what I’ll say, or how to be! It’s at 10.30am. And I’m here having a mad worry about it tonight. Shit.
Xoxo
Im terrified. I am so scared of how emotional it might be. I don’t know what I’ll say to her. I feel like a total selfish idiot for making this about me, but I am just so scared I’ll have to face all this grief I’ve been running away from, because I won’t be able to handle knowing she had to go through it all too 😥 I don’t think I can handle the f*#!king INJUSTICE of this disease hurting the Carers who got ME through it. My brain can’t process that. It’s just too unfair.
please help me find some kind of strategy to go and be in this appointment without bawling and panicking. I don’t know what I’ll say, or how to be! It’s at 10.30am. And I’m here having a mad worry about it tonight. Shit.
Xoxo
15 Replies
- @Sazbe I know she’s an amazing woman and obviously she has the courage to just get back up and go to work - as you did. She must have the superpower of compartmentalising too! Wish I did.
I do do still have a lot of grief that I try to work through with psychotherapists of various sorts - takes 3 of them to keep me standing up! I think I hide my grief and trauma from friends and family now though because I simply cannot trust the world anymore* after all I’ve gone through. It’s less painful to just be sort of dead inside and not lose any more people by expressing myself to them.
*edited to say: apart from you guys! This community is a sanctuary of trust and I don’t have anywhere else quite like it. - @"Summer Prevails" I'm glad you are feeling better about things now.
I agree with kmakm, that she would not be back at work unless she wanted to be and felt up to it. I was back at work a couple of days after my diagnosis (I'm a GP) and I think my 4th patient of the day was concerned about a breast lump. The professional side just kicks in. As doctors we are usually good at compartmentalising. It sounds like you have a good relationship with this doctor and that she is very caring, so I suspect she would handle it well even if you were to have a good cry. It also sounds like maybe you still have some grieving that you need to get out, have you got a good councillor or friend you could speak to? - You’re right @Sister - it’s like a switch that gets flipped and all of a sudden you’re in competent mode. Just when you least expect it. I’m so relieved I had that small interaction with her though. Now I can see that she’s in her professional capacity again and I don’t feel the fear of breaking down so much.
Why is it that we allow ourselves to cry sometimes but not other times. I was so free to do that when I was in active treatment. Now I can’t. - strength can be there when you need it.
- Good on you! Well done. K xox
- Well Done @"Summer Prevails" .... better luck with your next appointment xx
- It was an unexpectedly busy day at the hospital so I was VERY late and missed my time slot 😖 But I saw her and we quickly said hi and arranged a different time and both said how lovely it was to see each other. No tears, I didn’t lose my shit, and somehow I pulled a bunch of calm out of my hidden reserves and managed the whole rollercoaster of a morning like an adult! PHEW
- @"Summer Prevails" I hope your appointment went well today and better than you expected. ( and she got a big hug from you ) xo
- @iserbrown Well we were close enough that she and I would text each other regarding the odd thing here or there, and she mentioned it in a text. But I respected privacy and didn’t bring it up or anything since. So I think she knows I know. But I will maybe have the approach of honesty and respect, and admiration, and if it’s not weird or crossing lines, I’ll give her a big hug.
- All the best for your appointment today xx
If/when she does share that info with you ..... a big hug might be in order, (if you think she is a huggy person) as a show of support and respect xx
