Forum Discussion
Eve of yearly follow up tests; anxious AF; update in general
hi everyone
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
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- @"Summer Prevails" it’s so good to hear from you and thanks for sharing your heart and soul with us. Please stay in touch and keep us posted how you’re feeling. As for the ice cream thing, I get it. It’s cold and comforting and god bless Valium! Lol. I’ve taken to making my own ice cream it’s super easy recipe and you just add whatever you like to it and you don’t need the fuss of an ice cream maker. The last one I made had white chocolate and meringue in it! Take care of you love. Biggest hug. Margie. Xx
- @kmakm yep.
- @Vangirl Crazy isn't it?
- @kmakm you're right, I spend a lot of time trying to make others feel better about my state of mind.
- I have to try these flavours while I still have the excuse of working on my DIEP flap donor site :smiley:
- Green tea ice cream.......
- Golden North Rum and Raisin for me
- Maggie Beer's Burnt Fig, Honeycomb & Caramel ice cream. UTTER bliss.
Well done @kezmusc! Good on YOU. K xox - I think the absolute bomb of icecream is the Magnum Almond in the little tub. Ridiculously expensive but Yummo. Much tastier than toenails. Best not too eat it all in one go though. Speaking from experience I kind of felt like Garfield or the fat guy off Monty Python.
I finally bit the bullet and booked my two year scans. 6th of September. Aggghh. - Ughh!
