Wow...this year will go down as one of the worst in my life. I have finally finished all my treatments, my hair is growing back nicely, and I am back at work full time. My partner, who has been absolutely amazing throughout this horrible experience, has decided to go back to England indefinitely to look after his aging parents! Now this is going to sound very selfish when he is obviously an angel and I dont deserve him, but I am shattered. I have been looking forward to all the wonderful things we would do together this year and, instead have been plunged into a deep state of depression by the thought of spending this year alone. Back to the councillor I go! What if the cancer comes back? I dont want to do this again let alone by myself. He is probably exhausted and sick of the whole cancer trip (like me), sick of the sight of my scarred chest, sick of the cancer conversation. I feel that I have aged so much this last year, I am so tired, I dont laugh as much as I use to, Im probably not much fun to be around any more, I sleep alot. I am so grateful that he was here to support me and so sad that he is going. It must be awful for carers to live through cancer as well. To put their lives on hold for you. Anyway, enough whining, feeling sorry for myself.

Hi Jacqui, Wow!!! i can remember exactly how you are feeling!!! My husband is the most amazing guy in the world and he stood by me through thick and thin. He had to endure things a husband shouldn't have to see or do. They still have no idea what you go through though. Although they see it physically with their eyes they have no idea what;s going on inside. I fell in a heap when it had all finished. I was strong and very positive until it all finished and I felt like I was completely on my own. I never saw a counsellor until I had walked away from treatment and hospitals. What a reality check it is. My husband and I had a really big fight, screaming at one another, Something we had never done before. He yelled at me and said " It's over!" to which i replied "No it's not! It will never be over." I don't think he realised how emothinally wrecked I was. Yes you worry every day and with every pain that you feel that you have cancer again, but it does get easier. I know you have probably heard that time and time again but it is true. AS for your husband you are so right when you say, he is sick of hearing about cancer. It really does rule your world!! He will come around. You obviously love each other very much. He showed this by sticking around when times got tough, Try and stay positive, I know it is hard at this stage but you truly have to keep on going. For your kids sake and your grandchildren and more importantly for you!Take time for yourslef, shout yourself special things that you might not ordianarily do. Eat that whole block of chocolate to yourself! I am always at the other end of the keyboard if you need a chat. Keep smiling Jacqui and chin up. things will get better. Kate x

hi jacqui, you have expressed yourself honestly, it is ok to feel the way you do and be scared of cancer coming back, plus maybe feeling a little lost.. like " where to now, and feeling alone" now active treatment is finished. you have been through an ordeal, that will " never be over, " as kate says. maybe you could have a little celebration,( or a big celebration), or go to a retreat for a few days. maybe spend some time in a quiet, reflective place like by the ocean, or in a leafy green park, by a pond, or on a mountain top. etc. life HAS changed and you are not be the same as you were, mentally, physically, or spiritually. it is definitely an ordeal to go through, so give yourself a pat on the back for making it so far, and cross your fingers all goes ok from this time on. take some time to adjust to the new changes. learning to live in the " now" and accepting reality, has been a lesson i had to learn since my BC diagnosis. could you take some time off to visit your partner in the UK, for a small holiday perhaps? the answers will come to you. all the best, kathy.

Hi girls, Jacqui you must feel completely shattered and you did the right thing expressing yourself on here. My husband has not coped well at all with my cancer and one of the best things I did was to write how I was feeling on this forum. The replies I recieved were like gold! I have had depression for many years and I was worried about a relapse when I was diagnosed, but I have managed to keep it pretty well under control. Counselling is a great tool if you get the right person to help you through this. I think you are probably much stronger than you think though - all the stuff we go through with the cancer does help us to grow as people. Try to set yourself some small goals and be proud of yourself when you achieve them. Best wishes, Mel

Depression | BCNA Online Network

11 Replies

TonyaM
Member
15 years ago
The first time I got bc( back in 2003) I would say it took me about 2yrs to get my confidence back that I might live afterall.So it's normal what you are feeling. Your partner probably feels he has got you through it and that you are ok now. It's nice that he cares about his parents - can't you go with him??Even if it's just for a holiday,a change of scene.I can understand how you would be feeling about the indefinitely bit- I'd be really upset. I hope you can both work it all out and come to a compromise.

Tonya xx
Cheryl_D
Member
15 years ago
I'm sorry but you have every right to feel angry and neglected as his parents live in another country and he chose to raise his family and live here, I dont want to sound nasty but hell, what is he thinking? Is he having a breakdown or some other issues as it seems so strange to leave now with no definate plan of return.

Has he spoken to a councillor at all as it may have all finally got to him and he needs help himself. Hoping the best outcome comes your way, Cheers Cheryl
Cheryl_D
Member
15 years ago
I'm sorry but you have every right to feel angry and neglected as his parents live in another country and he chose to raise his family and live here, I dont want to sound nasty but hell, what is he thinking? Is he having a breakdown or some other issues as it seems so strange to leave now with no definate plan of return.

Has he spoken to a councillor at all as it may have all finally got to him and he needs help himself. Hoping the best outcome comes your way, Cheers Cheryl
Renata
Member
15 years ago
Hi Jacqui,

I was sorry to hear about your circumstances. You have every right to being feeling down. You have been through a lot and it does take a huge toll on you. While it is very hard for carers they also do not understand what we are going through and how we must be feeling. My husband said this throughout and I think it makes the situation even harder for them sometimes. They say cancer changes a person and it can cause conflict in your relationships as you are different than when first diagnosed and have different priorities. It is great that you are thinking of going on a holiday. You need to spoil yourself. Like you I have now finished my treatment and have waves of thinking about what happens if it comes back. I try to keep myself busy and stay positive but it will always be at the back of my mind. Every now and then I have allowed myself some self pity and to have a whinge about it I think we need to let it out occasionally as we are only human.

Just remember you are not alone you have a wonderful family and all us pink sisters here for your support.

xox Renata
Jacqui
Member
15 years ago
Thanks Ladies, sorry to drop the bundle like that. Thanks for all your words of support. I have worked through the panic and am now planning some short holidays. I guess none of us know what is around the corner, lets hope its lovely! My great fear is being alone, it is so scary when you cannot look after yourself and knowing there is someone who loves you and who will watch out for you and be strong for you is so nice. I am lucky to have 3 lovely boys who are doing their best and have been wonderful throughout this.

Jacqui
melphilp
Member
15 years ago
Hi girls,

Jacqui you must feel completely shattered and you did the right thing expressing yourself on here. My husband has not coped well at all with my cancer and one of the best things I did was to write how I was feeling on this forum. The replies I recieved were like gold! I have had depression for many years and I was worried about a relapse when I was diagnosed, but I have managed to keep it pretty well under control. Counselling is a great tool if you get the right person to help you through this. I think you are probably much stronger than you think though - all the stuff we go through with the cancer does help us to grow as people. Try to set yourself some small goals and be proud of yourself when you achieve them.

Best wishes,

Mel

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