anxiety

I think that being diagnosed with and treated for BC is very traumatic. It forces us to confront the reality that life does not always go to plan and that one day it can be turned completely upside down. It is also really, really difficult when treatment ends. I kept waiting to feel relieved and happy and ready to resume life again but instead you feel a bit wrecked and very emotional. I wanted 'a moment' where I could feel like 'ok, that's over now I can feel safe and confident in my health again'. It just doesn't happen though. Instead there is this terrible uncertainty and lack of confidence. It is 20 months since diagnosis, over a year since active treatment ended and I guess at least I don't think about cancer as much. There are daily things (such as taking tamoxifen, getting dressed and giving myself a lymphatic massage) that are different because I had cancer. But I try to focus on the fact that I now understand that I need to look after my health and that I do so much to help myself stay healthy. I had to harness that fear and use it to make my life better. So when I feel a bit slack and don't want to exercise or plan some healthy meals, I think back to those chemo days and motivate myself to look after myself the right way. I find it reassuring to have people remark on how well I look. Something really awful happened to me and I know that it could happen again. But I am doing everything I can to stay healthy and I think knowing that helps me to live with that uncertainty. Just as we had no choice but to have treatment, now we have no choice but to find a way to live with uncertainty. In reality it is the same for everyone but without the confontation of a life threatening event, most of us just never think about it! None of us knows what the future holds but WE now know that life is very precious. Use that knowledge to help you find a way to live well. It will get easier, take care. Deanne xxx