Trying to cope day to day
the past few weeks have been a true roller coaster for me. I have found in the past few days, my emotions have hit a low with crying, a sense of anger at the unknown of what lays ahead and last night...
Forum Discussion
THANK YOU THANK YOU!
The fear of death is one of sadness that I will miss out on so many wonderful events, laughter, joy etc...not from actually dying.
I am a realist that death is always sitting around the corner and therefore have prepared my will, organised my funeral over dinner one night as we played music that has inspired me, soothed me and therefore to be my send off songs. My children are all adults and that night gave them a chance to let it all out - hours of talking, dancing, laughing, having a scream as they yelled out to rock music and quietly cry as I slow danced with my Man.
When I was first told about the Cancer, I goggled profusely - trying to find anything that might ease the need for information so my brain could correlate what was about to occur...let alone gather questions I felt I needed to ask the Specialist. I too, asked what was the survival rate and he too said "5 years, maybe 10" - instantly I sat there and thought what the hell? I have so much to do in my life! Instead of accepting that time frame - I got ANGRY.
I have to admit there have been days, I wake up and think to myself - "It was all a mistake" and then instantly the fingers seeked out the damn lump and the brain goes "ah nope - still there!" I do wonder after it is removed next week whether it will bring a sense of comfort or fear?
I too understand the look you get from friends in particular - but you look so well! I am well except I have a bloody lump growing! I am still ME. I haven't changed. I still lead my life, enjoy it just like I always have but all of a sudden a lot of them no longer come around to see me almost like they feel i am contagious or something? Yes, i am tired more often and prone to nod off at weird moments and the pain is sometimes awful but I am still me.
I am grateful that I can say how I am really feeling on here - your wisdom and experiences have been enpowering and also so helpful...because sincerely as @Dory65 says - it has been a total mindfuck.
Hugs from me and thank you for letting me rant.