Forum Discussion

Kari_2015's avatar
Kari_2015
Member
10 years ago

Relationships - Stronger or Weaker???

Hi All

Not sure I even want to type this - once its out there I then have to deal with it!! I am now at the end of chemo/rad and going back to work on the 7th. My treatment is obviously not over (pesky little squatter in my vertebrae) and I haven't yet started on the hormone medication. I fear that social media leads us to believe our lives and relationships are not so great as they don't meet the standards of those that like to post only the good times. Throughout this whole cancer journey I have heard of so many stories of wonderful partners/spouses and their fantastic support. My story is opposite to this - I am not blaming just him - and I was wondering if there are others with this experience and how their relationships are once things have returned to "normal". I. I have always been very independent and probably didn't ask for help when I needed it, but I also felt that it was up to him to keep asking what was next, how can he help, etc, etc. Instead he seemed to hide at work (using the reasoning we needed extra money with me not working) while I was left at home to manage the household and his 3 children. There are been good and bad from this experience - the kids and I now have a better understanding of each other (their mother has all but abandoned them), but by not being around and engaging in home life as much, I don't feel like he is a part of this "new" life of mine. He is a very caring person and I suspect he is struggling to deal with it. I have suggested and given him all the info regarding cancer help available, but in the end the decision is his. The gap between us prior to the diagnosis had started to widen so it isn't like we have gone from a loving, happy couple to this, I am not a very affectionate person which I was trying to work on prior to BC. He has his own health issues, nothing serious, but have lead him down the path of being overweight/depression. I am so torn between putting time and effort into working on our relationship to just not being bothered and getting on with this type of lifestyle where we co-habitat and giving myself time to heal and deal with the cancer. Walking away is not an option for me as I have made a commitment to the kids (18,14,14) that I wouldn't leave them at least until schooling is finished and unfortunately I am the stable person in their life. What makes it even easier for me to stick my head in the sand is that I work away and initially will only be home for 3 nights a week.

I would love to hear other's stories - both inspiring and not so......

Kari

family
  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi Kari,

    I am 7 months post treatment. I had 16 months of surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and herceptin. In that time, my husband attended 3 drs appointments. He made a few meals each week and that was about it. He's normally pretty hopeless around the house anyway but he didn't step up at all over that period. I worked part time throughout my treatment and that upset me greatly, particularly after the fact when I realised just how damn sick I had been. 

    We have only just started talking about the bc recently. He didn't know what to do to help me. He thought just being with me was enough. He struggle immensely with the thought of loosing me. He also struggled with me being so ill during chemo. He had never seen anyone so Sick before and was convinced I was going to die. He was completely overwhelmed. He didn't feel like he could talk to me at all because what he was going through was nothing compared to what I was going through. He also, he just didn't want to do the whole bc thing.  We both feel that we are suffering post traumatic stress now. The thing is, bc didn't just happen to me. It happened to him,my kids, my brother and my closest friends who supported me.it has affected all of our relationships in some way, with some negatives and some positives. 

    At this time, you need to focus on you. You need to do what you need to do to get through and surround yourself with those who will support you. Look maybe you just have a bad relationship but now is not the time to be making life decisions. I would recommend getting some counselling for you both but if he won't go, as my hubby refused to, then go yourself. They will be able to give you strategies for dealing with the way you feel but also strategies for dealing with your partner. 

    I love my husband and kids but have been dreadfully hurt and disappointed in the lack of support both emotionally and physically they were able to give me.  As far as my hubby and our relationship goes, I think we are  coming closer than before as we both open up about our experience of bc. Having said that though, my greatest fear is of the cancer returning as stage 4. Who is going to look after me as they have already proven that they can't/won't  look after me!  Hang in there love. Karen xox

  • Kari_2015's avatar
    Kari_2015
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thanks so much Karen.  Its not that I enjoy hearing how others have struggled but in some strange way it is a relief to know that all partners are not this fantastic supportive rock!! You have summed up exactly how I feel - disappointed.  And you are right, I had no idea of how bc affected everyone around me, each week I get a little bit more insight to how those around me were feeling and not wanting to burden me with their fears.  

    Thanks again for caring.

     

  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    10 years ago

    I understand. It's so nice to know that you aren't the only one. It makes you feel less alone. Xox