12 days now until my tissue expanders are removed and my softees are put in. 14 months since my 1st surgery of bilateral mastectomy and tissue expanders inserted.During this time I have coped well with the loss of my breasts and been happy with my reconstruction appearance so far.However I am still grieving I've realised. The finality of surgery has made me remember my breasts and the loss due to breast cancer and today and last night the tears have flowed. I really thought this was all behind me.Admitting once again I am forever changed is not easy. I've lost weight. I'm wearing pretty much the clothes I always did. I can see myself naked without horror now. But even though even now my foobs look okay it still reminds me of what I have lost.I actually hated my boobs naked before. They had got droopy and flat looking after feeding 3 babies over 6 years and I felt made my body look old. Now I would just love to have those droopy boobs back without cancer and still with nipples (even a lumpectomy would have meant a nipple loss...so not much point in keeping it.)But there is no looking back. I am currently healthy and hopefully cancer free so this is a small price to pay to help keep me this way.Just wanted to share with you ladies who "get it"Kath x

Hi Kath, sometimes that grief and longing for what once was can hit you suddenly and unexpectedly but I guess all we can do is feel it and acknowledge it. Although I am very pleased with the overall results of my reconstruction (single DIEP and nipple reconstruction) I still have moments where I wish I still had my old breast and all the sensation that comes with it. As you say though, there is no looking back, I know I had to lose that part of myself in order to still be here today but knowing that still doesn't make it easy. Jane xx

Hi Kath, I understand: I'm having a DIEP reconstruction of my left breast next Tuesday (28/3) and I've been experiencing similar emotions....a little bit of nerves due to the surgery but also the fact that even though it's been 12 months since the mastectomy and the insertion of the tissue expander, it only feels like yesterday. I too lost my nipple and even though I can look at the 'foob' without regret, I still long for the original one that was 'me'. I was talking with my naturopath about this yesterday and he said it was me also fighting for control - feeling 'stuck', and a bit overwhelmed. Afterwards, he helped me to feel empowered again so I have a newly established calm that will hopefully take me through to the operating theatre in 6 days' time :# .And then I tell myself that sad thoughts like those - even though they are normal, and part of the process of healing and recovering physically, psychologically and emotionally - aren't really helping me...and I begin to get excited about what is coming - an actual boob that won't need a prosthesis on top of it to match my real one....that won't feel hot or like I'm wearing a teddy bear!You have done so well over the past months! Like you, I've become fit (I even run on the treadmill, and in public - when I feel up to it) and have lost 12 kgs; 34cm of useless fat - gone. Yippee!Now, onwards and up[wards.Sending you a big 'know how you're feeling sister' virtual hug and looking forward to hearing how your surgery goes.Take careNikki x

Naww Kath, don't you just hate it when grief catches you out like that? Sorry BNCA but I couldn't stand the smell or the look of the pink buns last year. It was too soon since my mastectomy and I was feeling fragile. Keep on Kath, your goal is in sight to completion. Look forward to it, not back. <3

Hugs girl .... you would also be a bit tired from Summit as it was a full on time.... awesome time but full on.... your poem is beautiful and the tears flowing are a healthy sign that you are allowing yourself to acknowledge the process that Breast Cancer has thrust upon you... Big hugs and energy to keep acknowledging these emotions and to heal as you do. <3

Kath, what a journey and of course close to the end it makes you reflective, absolutely!! its all part of it and its strange isnt it you wondre how you muddled your way through to this point, and yet you did and have, testament to your courage and strength. Time to look forward and embrace the point of no return, forever changed absolutely, but healthy. Gee I listen to you and Nikki, OMG I havent shifted a thing since Chemo and I hate it!!! I was working with the exercise physiologist but we were only stretching getting me ready, I need to lose about 6kg uuugh drives me insane! Im unsure when I can start to do a little to be honest at 3.5 weeks post surgery now still very sore :/ I found since I had surgery I only cried once, when I had my first shower at home and I had to sit and had to get my partner to hand me the towel and was devastated not wanting him to see the state I was in surgically. I had a hard time leading into it as you all recall...but thats it finished, hasnt phased me since. I just kept focusing on what my Psychologist talked about and how we develop such attachment to every part of ourselves, no matter what we lose we are still in essence the exact same. I dont know this really helped me accept and acknowledge I absolutely loved my boobs all my life they were awesome, but people love me for who I am not what I look like and whilst we all know that, we still have perceptions of ourselves. For me it was about remaining feminine regardless and the last few days for no reason HAHA Ive put on my makeup and glammed up just for me...too funny! Hugs Melinda xo

Reconstruction completion date | BCNA Online Network

nikkid
Member
9 years ago
That's great Cath @primek :)....it's funny what can send us into a tailspin, just when we thought that part was all over. Not long now :)
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
Good Kath! it is up and down and thats OK! just keep your eyes on that finish line!! xo
primek
Member
9 years ago
Feeling a little less sad today and now looking forward again. Thanks for the support.
nikkid
Member
9 years ago
Yes....wisdom is another gift. Sometimes I feel like the old blind Shaolin monk in Kung Fu , grasshopper:). Especially when he said: "Indeed there are two kinds of strengths. The outer strength is obvious: it fades with age and succumbs to sickness. Then there is the ch’i, the inner strength. Everyone possesses it, too. But it is indeed much more difficult to develop. The inner strength lasts through every heat and every cold. Through old age and beyond."

I'm working on my chi'i!
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
Nikki wonderful!! Ive lost alot of close friends along the way too, as everyone seems to on this journey. I honestly think its their inability to deal with it. The wonderful thing has been the people you least expect and the wonderful things they do for you, and to me thats what part of this journey has been about. I do like the Otis foundation but just cant coordinate my 2 kids and partner at any point, gets so complicated so I just forget about it. x
nikkid
Member
9 years ago
How nice is that?! Yes, the food bank was a godsend last time...we literally had about 5 weeks of amazing meals. Two of my girlfriends (from my Mother's Group of 19 years ago!!!) organised it. I did feel a bit awkward accepting the help, but honestly, the girls all seemed to want to do something and this was a concrete gesture of support and love.

A few months later, I booked a few days at Alyonah in Daylesford through the Otis Foundation to thank them and those who could come, did.

I'll do the same thing this time, but at a different property. I'll also host a dinner (might even do a bit of fundraising) to thank them all. They've been amazing.

A gesture so thoughtful as a meal is so moving - that someone actually spends time thinking about you, planning something delicious for you and your family.....it was a highlight.

Mind you, I had a few other (very close) girlfriends who I thought would be my rocks throughout this process, who did nothing. And in fact, one of them (I've been there for her when she was sick, distraught, lonely....) I have only seen once in 12 months! I wanted to meet with her to talk about it, to try and heal whatever the hell had gone wrong between us, but she kept on postponing the arrangements. So I've given up on her.

One of the best gifts cancer has given me has been to see through the BS....to know that I am worth it, and to focus on those people and situations that are good for me. I avoid the toxic - and this friend who I thought was one of my besties, is clearly too toxic for me.
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
Perfect! and yes you will be calm when it arrives, you'll do great! :) Oh yes the food bank lovely! Strangely this time my Sons school did it!! Whoa! I was blown away. Through this journey in 6yrs nobody brought meals, bizarre! x
nikkid
Member
9 years ago
Yep, busy enough...cooking (even though my girlfriends have reinstated the 'food bank' I thought I should have a few extra meals in the freezer anyway as I don't know when I'll be ready to actually cook again!)...walking....going out for coffees....pilates....

I actually feel a bit calmer this week. Just can't wait for the hump of the operation to be over!!!
melclarity
Member
9 years ago
Nikki we all are inspirational!! courageous beautiful women! How are you holding up, keeping busy?? :smiley:
nikkid
Member
9 years ago
You're sounding so great @melclarity - still an inspiration xxxx

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