Newby
Hi everyone. I'm new here. My name is Jo. I'm 35, live in Melbourne and work at the zoo. I'm separated from my husband and we're getting a divorce this year.
I found a lump in my left breast in December, had an ultrasound on the 29th, followed by FNA on the 6th Jan and was diagnosed with early breast cancer on the 10th Jan. My lumpectomy was on the 13th (yes it was a Friday!), and I started chemo on the 27th.
The first week of chemo was very rough (although the day after the treatment I was hyperactive!). I have decided to cut back my job to part time, which is realistic for them but financially puts me in a very difficult situation.
I have a theory that chemo brain is caused not by the chemo, but by the overload of information about the cancer and treatment and also by the huge amount of paperwork and financial spaghetti you have to wade through!
My family, friends and work have been so kind and generous and supportive. It breaks my heart to think that there are women out there who are not as fortunate as me to have the kind of cancer I have (the best kind) and to have my support circle. One friend even offered to throw a fundraiser to help me pay my bills. Of course I said no thank you, but it was quite humbling to be on the receiving end of such kindness.
That's all I guess. I just wanted to dip my toe here. This is a bizarre situation to be in, especially after an extremely rough and emotionally gruelling year in 2011. We had two traumatic deaths in my family, the worst happening in September, and I am still making my way through that deep grief, only to find myself here. I don't feel like I've dealt with the emotions brought up by my diagnosis and treatment. I don't know if I'm stuck, or if I've shut down. Everyone thinks I'm dealing beautifully, as I have such a sense of humour and ability to laugh and make cancer jokes which put myself and people around me at ease. But on the flipside, when I'm alone I am numb and in a constant state of shock. Maybe it works by shutting myself down as a defence mechanism, because if I let myself feel everything I'll explode. That wouldn't be pretty.
I'm frustrated because I started really working out and going for runs last year, only to be stopped in my tracks by this. All I want to do now is run, but of course I can't.
I wonder how many times I've used the word "I" in this post. I know it's not very well written, but it's just spewing out of me at this rate, so I apologise to anyone who is reading this!
