I have been hesitating writing this for a while, but here goes! When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, of course I was stunned by being delivered the news by the doctor at Breast Screen, and a nurse was present also in the room. I was told I had a "spot" of cancer and that it was in my lymph nodes also, and that I would need surgery, chemo and herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone therapy. When the doctor left the room the nurse picked up the pieces of my shock, and as I whimpered I said, I will do all the treatment I need, and I will work around all my appointments and treatment. The nurse admired my reply, and said to me I will be get through as she could tell by my attitude I will be alright! I did get through all the treatment, but as it turned out I didn't keep working through all my treatment, and that is OK also. Do we really need to prove to others that we can "do it all and have it all?" I sometimes wonder if many of us women juggling many roles hasn't ultimately impacted negatively on our health? Or are many of us sacrificing family life for a career which impacts negatively on our health and family life?Where is the work/family/ home life balance?What are others thoughts?

Perhaps a timely reminder that there's a wonderful charity offering a free holiday https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory

Hi @Keeping_positive1,Yes many woman give all to everyone. Many push themselves to do it all, work, family, parents, home friends etc etc. Many women struggle to do it all until they burnout or get sick. That was me. I was a sole parent for 20 yrs. I didn't want my son to miss out so I busted my gut to achieve a high position to provide financially for us. I helped my sisters and their families and I helped and I am still helping parents. I worked so hard to make everything right or as perfect as I could. I look back and wonder if pushing myself was the right thing to do? I got my home, sent my son to private school and earnt a good income to be able to provide for us. Was there a cost? Yes. I have had a number of health issues in the last 20 yrs but especially the last 10 years. I am 59. All that pushing myself had taken its toll and BC stopped me in my tracks. But hey I can learn and change it now. I really have reflected on my life all the ups and downs and what has brought me to this point. I have made significant changes and I needed to. I am not as perfect anymore. What will be will be and I don't sweat the small stuff. I still help my aging parents and my son and new grandson but I put myself first. I do what I need for my own self care first and foremost. I make sure I fill.my bucket ad I can't give from an empty one.I wonder if my younger self would have listened to others talk about balance. Hard to say, i was so head strong and determined and what was has gone. I think I would say to other younger women to not be hard on themselves and to get that balance right. The big house and all the things in are really meaningless without your health. Your greatest gift to others is yourself. Let's face it you can't take the stuff with you. Brene Brown (researcher, social worker amongst other things) would say perfectionism is really about shame and guilt. She does a few podcasts and books and it is interesting her studies on this. She is also funny talking about it in her podcasts. I don't work and have no intentionto in the future. I stopped work just before my diagnosis. I was burnt out completely and I think I had pushed myself to breaking point achieving career, family, home etc. I will not work again. I spend time doing what I want and some of that is with my family. But I make sure my needs are met first. I am a year post active treatment. I am still rebuilding but I am more relaxed and happy. It will be interesting to hear what others say.

I agree with everything you said @Afraser. Putting yourself first does come in different packages, and different factors determine which is best for the individual. The reason I write that women need to feel more comfortable with taking time off though, is because too many are not working in a job they love. Or are working too many hours and not allocating time for hobbies and fun. And too many women are taking care of others when they should be focusing on themselves more. Also, a lot of women have trouble seeing a therapist to help them figure out what’s troubling them and help fix it, so they bury themselves in more work to avoid facing their problems. In these cases, I feel these women need to understand that taking time off is perfectly ok, and they shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s also ok to change their career if it’s no longer fulfilling, and the workload at home should be shared with their partner and/or children. What might seem simple for one woman could be seen as a mountain for another. Unfortunately, I think more women find themselves in the latter category. It would be great if they could all have more control over their lives, but from what I’ve read it’s not the case. My point is women need to stop allowing society to pressure them into feeling like they have to be heroes and take care of everyone else first, and instead just focus on what is best for them, even though this could bring judgement from others. They need to understand judgment and guilt have no place when one makes themselves a priority.

Totally agree @FLClover and @June1952. Society has lost the plot. I came home to mum who was always there with afternoon tea after school. We had a great time and money didn't drive it. We had our home but not lots of ' stuff' . Mum worked when we were older, school hrs so was still around and not wearing herself out like I did.I had to get my first husband to leave when my son was 8 months old (long story) and as a sole parent it was exhausting. My parents helped me but still having to provide and do it all took it's toll on me. Admittedly I was very driven to achieve and provide. I busted my gut, no financial support from the ex. People thought I was amazing but no one helped me and I never asked. I didn't want to be a sole parent but I didn't choose a good first husband and paid a very big price. I also didn't handle all the stress of being a sole parent well. What's more no one ever said to me your very stressed or offered help. But I do really believe my stress impacted my help over the years and contributed to my cancer without a doubt. Not sure society would be prepared to go back to what it was like. I do see younger mums wanting more balance so you never know. But the greed of society keeps driving things in the wrong direction unfortunately. One thing that is positive is that children in schools are taught relaxation or yoga or other such techniques to help them manage stress.I would recommend the Otis Foundation for anyone wanting a break. @iserbrown has the link above.

Letting go of being superwoman! | BCNA Online Network

52 Replies

Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
@Sister agreed, we can only give our daughters and sons advice and hope they take it on board. If I had listened much earlier in life I would have taken my self-care more seriously. I agree that women do get the rough end of the stick in many cases.
Sister
Member
4 years ago
Reading this conversation has made me think about the self-care that tends to fall away from many women (but not for men) in hetero relationships, often even before having children. For some reason, it always seems that women give up their activities but men still keep them. One of the things that I have spoken to my girls (and son) about is the importance of insisting on their own time from the start as well as their partner enjoying the same right. Whether that Mum advice gets lost in the whirlwind of real life and "division of responsibilities"..? Well...we'll see.
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
@Cath62 oh dear sweet Lord I’m melting 😍😍😍😍😍😍. Oh he is perfect!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️. May he have a long and happy life 🍀🍀🍀. The photo of you is from the side, but I can still see your whole face is beaming and glowing with utter happiness and love 🙏🏻. You did well 😊😊👏🏻
P.S. I love his name 🥰
Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
@Cath62 Oh, how gorgeous he is! Such a strong name also. Looks like he is going to get plenty of cuddles from grandma :)
Cath62
Member
4 years ago
Thanks @FLClover. I definitely think the universe gave me what I wanted. I think the universe was telling me to let go for a few years 😀. It just too a bit of a nudge to get there.

Here's a photo of my little grandson and one of me holding him. Ambrose is his name.
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
Oh my goodness @Cath62 you’re a grandma!!! How exciting, a new little bub!! Congratulations!!! 🎉🎉🎈🎈👶♥️ That’s such wonderful news 😀☺️😊🥰. The struggle was worth it, now you can enjoy your grandson in peace ☺️.
We both wished desperately not to have to work. Perhaps in a way the universe gave us what we wanted. Not in the way we wanted, definitely, but maybe it was the only way to get us to stop and do what our soul was begging of us. So now that we know that, we have listened, we can reap the benefits 😊. Enjoy your retirement knowing you did your utmost best, and absolutely deserve to be a lady of leisure 😉♥️.
Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
Such an emotive and heartfelt comment you have made @FLClover and so privileged you shared it here with us. When you are in a one parent family you are the WORLD to your child, and you just want to protect them and raise them. It is more than twice as hard to be a single parent and keep all the cogs ticking over, and all by yourself. I take my hat off to you, as I also realize just how difficult it can, and I never would have realized unless I also walked this same path myself. Money isn't everything, your health and nurturing your child are more important than meeting government requirements. You can be the parent, don't let them tell you otherwise, and I can guarantee if your child go astray, you will be blamed for being out in the workforce and not looking after the children. Seen it before!

We really need to appreciate how valued the role of motherhood is.
Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
Such an emotive and heartfelt comment you have made @FLClover and so privileged you shared it here with us. When you are in a one parent family you are the WORLD to your child, and you just want to protect them and raise them. It is more than twice as hard to be a single parent and keep all the cogs ticking over, and all by yourself. I take my hat off to you, as I also realize just how difficult it can, and I never would have realized unless I also walked this same path myself. Money isn't everything, your health and nurturing your child are more important than meeting government requirements. You can be the parent, don't let them tell you otherwise, and I can guarantee if your child go astray, they will blame you for working and not looking after them. Seen it before!

I think you are doing an amazing job, and should be commended on the tough decision you are making to raise your child, afterall you really the world to your child when you are a single parent.
Cath62
Member
4 years ago
Big hugs to you @FLClover. I really understand.

I think I pushed and pushed myself until bc. I wish I didn't get it too but it sure halted me pushing myself again. A couple of years before bc I wanted so much not to be working. I knew my limit was reached but I never said that to anyone at work. I just struggled on until I could retire early at 57. Then bc came along.

Now I am 59 and post bc active treatment and I am grateful for my new life and freedom. I just became a grandmother a week ago and am just in love with my little grandson. New life, new hope. I am going to enjoy my time with my family, travel in my camper and just be free of my own stresses. I am living in the moment and enjoying simple things like my morning coffee.
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
You’re welcome @Keeping_positive1 😊. I like to share in the hope other women will realise they’re not alone in feeling like this, and that there’s also no shame in it.
I agree that being a single parent is much harder, and the child definitely becomes attached to you more. I don’t care too much about gvmt requirements, as much as I can help it, as I don’t agree with a lot of their rules. It seems like the people who put them in place have neither had children nor ever been sick. And yes, women get blamed for going back to work and neglecting their children, then also get called lazy and dole bludgers for being stay at home mums. We can’t win, so I say do what you as an individual deem is best, and just ignore all the judgement. Motherhood does need to be valued a lot more.
If a woman chooses not to have children, then that needs to be respected as well. The judging and blaming needs to stop there too. Some women can’t have children, and are made to feel even worse than they already do when constantly asked why they have none. As a race, we’re very nosy and judgemental. We seriously need to stop that. If a woman wants to stay home while her husband works, then that’s their choice. It shouldn’t bother others. But we don’t live in an ideal world...🙁

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Letting go of being superwoman!

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