Letting go of being superwoman!

@Keeping_positive1 I never wanted to be a superwoman either. I felt the need to be productive, but I didn’t want to be seen as a hero. And I hate asking for help, so as a single mum I needed to work twice as hard to make sure I never had to. I was quite distressed that I couldn’t even take a yearly holiday. So many people commented on how strong I was and how well I was doing, and I just wanted to cry and scream that it wasn’t my choice and I just wanted a break!!! It definitely wasn’t my conscious choice to work that hard and put myself last, but I just felt so stuck. I feel a lot of women are/were in the same situation, yet still can’t take a break even after they’re diagnosed. 

I loved my work, but I also did have to go to work out of necessity as I was a single parent.  Many sacrifices were made, including not spending as much time with my child/daughter and extended family due to work commitments.  I wasn't ever wanting to be superwoman, but I was thrown into it.  I feel there are a lot of women that may have similar sentiments, and that self care is put on the backburner.  '

Why is there such a need for us women to seek counselling these days because of work related issues?  It is prevalent and the cycle goes on and on.  If we are suppose to be more fulfilled by juggling family commitments with workplace obligations, why is it that many women are still struggling and end up with ill health, or needing counsellors to sort themselves out, myself included.  Which by the way didn't work well for me as she told me that working give us our self worth!  Really?  I said what about those women that are too sick to work in the workplace, she didn't answer that.  So many of our woes are induced by expectations that society places on us.  

I really feel for the younger women these days who have huge pressures on them to be "successful"  and often at the cost of giving up other dreams.  We need to raise psychologically healthy girls to become happy women whatever course they take in life.

@Halla I take my hat off to you as you are probably living the dream of being your own boss, which really does also come with a lot of pressure, I totally understand that.  I had my child in my late 30's, but I did have many family commitments before that time also, many of us women do, we are often the carers of other family members.  Enjoy your break, you deserve it.

@Halla your situation is quite different. That’s why I said there are different factors to consider. You don’t have kids, so that itself makes a world of difference. You can devote yourself entirely to your business, which is your baby. And in that case that’s great. It’s yours and you love it. And tbh I wouldn’t give that up either! 

@Halla

Enjoy your time off - I live quite near you and our area had an extra lockdown so it’s been pretty difficult. I joined the local gym a couple of years after diagnosis. I had decided to work a four day week (not counting weekends!) and suddenly I had time for things I never had time for before. Paying ahead forced me to go for the first year or so, but I have really missed it during lockdowns. Will be back soon, I hope. Getting your head out of the daily pattern helps all sorts of things. Best wishes. 

I totally agree with that too @Cath62. Women definitely need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them 👌🏻

This is a really interesting topic. I have my own business, I’m an architect, and I have worked very very hard throughout treatment and the pandemic. I have employees and clients that I have legal contracts with, so I really didn’t feel it was an option to just shut down and stop if I wanted my business to survive - and frankly after 10 years of hard slog I was/am finally getting it on track financially and experiencing success and do not want to throw that away. I do really love what I do , but I also am in pain with aching neck jaw shoulders and headaches and I don’t have time and energy left over for much exercising - which I know is bad!! The Femara probably isn’t helping. I don’t have kids so all my attention goes into my work.  I am a bit worried that I am putting myself at risk of recurrence although my drs say there is no proven link between cancer and stress. Luckily my dogs make me walk them every day, and they start barking at me if I work too long on the computer! Cuddle time on the couch Mum!

Really written well @FLClover. My only comment though is women are 50% of  society so women need to let go of doing everything for society too. If women set boundaries then others have no choice but to do their own thing. 

Man, you nailed that one, @FLClover ! xx. I agree

I agree with everything you said @Afraser. Putting yourself first does come in different packages, and different factors determine which is best for the individual. The reason I write that women need to feel more comfortable with taking time off though, is because too many are not working in a job they love. Or are working too many hours and not allocating time for hobbies and fun. And too many women are taking care of others when they should be focusing on themselves more. Also, a lot of women have trouble seeing a therapist to help them figure out what’s troubling them and help fix it, so they bury themselves in more work to avoid facing their problems. In these cases, I feel these women need to understand that taking time off is perfectly ok, and they shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s also ok to change their career if it’s no longer fulfilling, and the workload at home should be shared with their partner and/or children. What might seem simple for one woman could be seen as a mountain for another. Unfortunately, I think more women find themselves in the latter category. It would be great if they could all have more control over their lives, but from what I’ve read it’s not the case. My point is women need to stop allowing society to pressure them into feeling like they have to be heroes and take care of everyone else first, and instead just focus on what is best for them, even though this could bring judgement from others. They need to understand judgment and guilt have no place when one makes themselves a priority. 

Everyone’s different. My work was an important part of me (in the arts) and of the world I enjoyed. I had one child and a supportive partner and while childcare was important in making everything work, so was being a family together. I was 67 when diagnosed, so ‘child’ was quite grown up and following her own career. Working through treatment was logical. I was remarkably well, most of the time, and it kept things on an even keel. I worked (once every three weeks) for about three months with a counsellor, about adjusting to life with some probably long lasting side effects. The side effects, it turned out, weren’t much of an issue, my reluctance to face ageing and death were. Why wouldn’t I ?? I enjoyed my life!!! But it’s been one of the best ‘travels’ yet. I continued to work (new job, new challenge) till I was 75, did more global travelling too but worked more on me - gym, philosophy, singing. My family is closer and bigger (two grandsons). COVID has affected my retirement plans but on the upside,  more time for study. The lessons learned through counselling were timely and far reaching. Putting yourself first comes in different packages, the hard part is finding the right one for you. When you do, everyone is a winner.