I have been hesitating writing this for a while, but here goes! When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, of course I was stunned by being delivered the news by the doctor at Breast Screen, and a nurse was present also in the room. I was told I had a "spot" of cancer and that it was in my lymph nodes also, and that I would need surgery, chemo and herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone therapy. When the doctor left the room the nurse picked up the pieces of my shock, and as I whimpered I said, I will do all the treatment I need, and I will work around all my appointments and treatment. The nurse admired my reply, and said to me I will be get through as she could tell by my attitude I will be alright! I did get through all the treatment, but as it turned out I didn't keep working through all my treatment, and that is OK also. Do we really need to prove to others that we can "do it all and have it all?" I sometimes wonder if many of us women juggling many roles hasn't ultimately impacted negatively on our health? Or are many of us sacrificing family life for a career which impacts negatively on our health and family life?Where is the work/family/ home life balance?What are others thoughts?

Perhaps a timely reminder that there's a wonderful charity offering a free holiday https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory

Hi @Keeping_positive1,Yes many woman give all to everyone. Many push themselves to do it all, work, family, parents, home friends etc etc. Many women struggle to do it all until they burnout or get sick. That was me. I was a sole parent for 20 yrs. I didn't want my son to miss out so I busted my gut to achieve a high position to provide financially for us. I helped my sisters and their families and I helped and I am still helping parents. I worked so hard to make everything right or as perfect as I could. I look back and wonder if pushing myself was the right thing to do? I got my home, sent my son to private school and earnt a good income to be able to provide for us. Was there a cost? Yes. I have had a number of health issues in the last 20 yrs but especially the last 10 years. I am 59. All that pushing myself had taken its toll and BC stopped me in my tracks. But hey I can learn and change it now. I really have reflected on my life all the ups and downs and what has brought me to this point. I have made significant changes and I needed to. I am not as perfect anymore. What will be will be and I don't sweat the small stuff. I still help my aging parents and my son and new grandson but I put myself first. I do what I need for my own self care first and foremost. I make sure I fill.my bucket ad I can't give from an empty one.I wonder if my younger self would have listened to others talk about balance. Hard to say, i was so head strong and determined and what was has gone. I think I would say to other younger women to not be hard on themselves and to get that balance right. The big house and all the things in are really meaningless without your health. Your greatest gift to others is yourself. Let's face it you can't take the stuff with you. Brene Brown (researcher, social worker amongst other things) would say perfectionism is really about shame and guilt. She does a few podcasts and books and it is interesting her studies on this. She is also funny talking about it in her podcasts. I don't work and have no intentionto in the future. I stopped work just before my diagnosis. I was burnt out completely and I think I had pushed myself to breaking point achieving career, family, home etc. I will not work again. I spend time doing what I want and some of that is with my family. But I make sure my needs are met first. I am a year post active treatment. I am still rebuilding but I am more relaxed and happy. It will be interesting to hear what others say.

I agree with everything you said @Afraser. Putting yourself first does come in different packages, and different factors determine which is best for the individual. The reason I write that women need to feel more comfortable with taking time off though, is because too many are not working in a job they love. Or are working too many hours and not allocating time for hobbies and fun. And too many women are taking care of others when they should be focusing on themselves more. Also, a lot of women have trouble seeing a therapist to help them figure out what’s troubling them and help fix it, so they bury themselves in more work to avoid facing their problems. In these cases, I feel these women need to understand that taking time off is perfectly ok, and they shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s also ok to change their career if it’s no longer fulfilling, and the workload at home should be shared with their partner and/or children. What might seem simple for one woman could be seen as a mountain for another. Unfortunately, I think more women find themselves in the latter category. It would be great if they could all have more control over their lives, but from what I’ve read it’s not the case. My point is women need to stop allowing society to pressure them into feeling like they have to be heroes and take care of everyone else first, and instead just focus on what is best for them, even though this could bring judgement from others. They need to understand judgment and guilt have no place when one makes themselves a priority.

Totally agree @FLClover and @June1952. Society has lost the plot. I came home to mum who was always there with afternoon tea after school. We had a great time and money didn't drive it. We had our home but not lots of ' stuff' . Mum worked when we were older, school hrs so was still around and not wearing herself out like I did.I had to get my first husband to leave when my son was 8 months old (long story) and as a sole parent it was exhausting. My parents helped me but still having to provide and do it all took it's toll on me. Admittedly I was very driven to achieve and provide. I busted my gut, no financial support from the ex. People thought I was amazing but no one helped me and I never asked. I didn't want to be a sole parent but I didn't choose a good first husband and paid a very big price. I also didn't handle all the stress of being a sole parent well. What's more no one ever said to me your very stressed or offered help. But I do really believe my stress impacted my help over the years and contributed to my cancer without a doubt. Not sure society would be prepared to go back to what it was like. I do see younger mums wanting more balance so you never know. But the greed of society keeps driving things in the wrong direction unfortunately. One thing that is positive is that children in schools are taught relaxation or yoga or other such techniques to help them manage stress.I would recommend the Otis Foundation for anyone wanting a break. @iserbrown has the link above.

Letting go of being superwoman! | BCNA Online Network

52 Replies

FLClover
Member
4 years ago
Yes, I do think we have a need to prove we can do it and have it all, at least I did. I didn’t like having that need as I don’t like proving anything to anyone, but it was so ingrained in me that I didn’t know how to switch it off. I just felt so guilty every time I wasn’t trying to do something productive and beneficial. That guilt kept me going. Until I burnt out so badly that I almost had a nervous breakdown. Then I had incessant panic attacks, and then I got breast ca. I am now very happily not working and loving it. For the first time ever, I don’t feel guilty about it. I’ve finally learnt to put myself first. I’m still productive, just in different ways. And I’m raising my daughter, instead of child care centres and schools while I’m away from the house long hours due to work. She’s much happier and so am I. I have blossomed again into a human, as opposed to the shell I once felt I was, and I am putting myself first as opposed to some ungrateful company. I’m not against working, that’s not the message I’m sending. I’m against being pushed to all limits and not having necessary work/life balance. And I think it’s wrong for women to have to work full time hours while also raising children. I’m not old fashioned by any means, and I’m actually quite a feminist, but it’s just common sense that if a woman decides to have children, that her career needs to come second if she’s the main one caring for them. That’s the natural way of things. And men need to stop acting like women staying home so nothing all day. And society needs to stop making stay-at-home mums feel useless just because they don’t contribute to society in a monetary way, because they contribute in a much more important way, and have one of the hardest and non paid jobs. Health shouldn’t be sacrificed for anything.
Cath62
Member
4 years ago
Hi @Keeping_positive1,

Yes many woman give all to everyone. Many push themselves to do it all, work, family, parents, home friends etc etc. Many women struggle to do it all until they burnout or get sick. That was me.

I was a sole parent for 20 yrs. I didn't want my son to miss out so I busted my gut to achieve a high position to provide financially for us. I helped my sisters and their families and I helped and I am still helping parents. I worked so hard to make everything right or as perfect as I could.

I look back and wonder if pushing myself was the right thing to do? I got my home, sent my son to private school and earnt a good income to be able to provide for us. Was there a cost? Yes. I have had a number of health issues in the last 20 yrs but especially the last 10 years. I am 59. All that pushing myself had taken its toll and BC stopped me in my tracks.

But hey I can learn and change it now. I really have reflected on my life all the ups and downs and what has brought me to this point. I have made significant changes and I needed to.

I am not as perfect anymore. What will be will be and I don't sweat the small stuff. I still help my aging parents and my son and new grandson but I put myself first. I do what I need for my own self care first and foremost. I make sure I fill.my bucket ad I can't give from an empty one.

I wonder if my younger self would have listened to others talk about balance. Hard to say, i was so head strong and determined and what was has gone. I think I would say to other younger women to not be hard on themselves and to get that balance right. The big house and all the things in are really meaningless without your health. Your greatest gift to others is yourself. Let's face it you can't take the stuff with you.

Brene Brown (researcher, social worker amongst other things) would say perfectionism is really about shame and guilt. She does a few podcasts and books and it is interesting her studies on this. She is also funny talking about it in her podcasts.

I don't work and have no intentionto in the future. I stopped work just before my diagnosis. I was burnt out completely and I think I had pushed myself to breaking point achieving career, family, home etc. I will not work again. I spend time doing what I want and some of that is with my family. But I make sure my needs are met first. I am a year post active treatment. I am still rebuilding but I am more relaxed and happy. It will be interesting to hear what others say.

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