I have been hesitating writing this for a while, but here goes! When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, of course I was stunned by being delivered the news by the doctor at Breast Screen, and a nurse was present also in the room. I was told I had a "spot" of cancer and that it was in my lymph nodes also, and that I would need surgery, chemo and herceptin, radiotherapy and hormone therapy. When the doctor left the room the nurse picked up the pieces of my shock, and as I whimpered I said, I will do all the treatment I need, and I will work around all my appointments and treatment. The nurse admired my reply, and said to me I will be get through as she could tell by my attitude I will be alright! I did get through all the treatment, but as it turned out I didn't keep working through all my treatment, and that is OK also. Do we really need to prove to others that we can "do it all and have it all?" I sometimes wonder if many of us women juggling many roles hasn't ultimately impacted negatively on our health? Or are many of us sacrificing family life for a career which impacts negatively on our health and family life?Where is the work/family/ home life balance?What are others thoughts?

Perhaps a timely reminder that there's a wonderful charity offering a free holiday https://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory

Hi @Keeping_positive1,Yes many woman give all to everyone. Many push themselves to do it all, work, family, parents, home friends etc etc. Many women struggle to do it all until they burnout or get sick. That was me. I was a sole parent for 20 yrs. I didn't want my son to miss out so I busted my gut to achieve a high position to provide financially for us. I helped my sisters and their families and I helped and I am still helping parents. I worked so hard to make everything right or as perfect as I could. I look back and wonder if pushing myself was the right thing to do? I got my home, sent my son to private school and earnt a good income to be able to provide for us. Was there a cost? Yes. I have had a number of health issues in the last 20 yrs but especially the last 10 years. I am 59. All that pushing myself had taken its toll and BC stopped me in my tracks. But hey I can learn and change it now. I really have reflected on my life all the ups and downs and what has brought me to this point. I have made significant changes and I needed to. I am not as perfect anymore. What will be will be and I don't sweat the small stuff. I still help my aging parents and my son and new grandson but I put myself first. I do what I need for my own self care first and foremost. I make sure I fill.my bucket ad I can't give from an empty one.I wonder if my younger self would have listened to others talk about balance. Hard to say, i was so head strong and determined and what was has gone. I think I would say to other younger women to not be hard on themselves and to get that balance right. The big house and all the things in are really meaningless without your health. Your greatest gift to others is yourself. Let's face it you can't take the stuff with you. Brene Brown (researcher, social worker amongst other things) would say perfectionism is really about shame and guilt. She does a few podcasts and books and it is interesting her studies on this. She is also funny talking about it in her podcasts. I don't work and have no intentionto in the future. I stopped work just before my diagnosis. I was burnt out completely and I think I had pushed myself to breaking point achieving career, family, home etc. I will not work again. I spend time doing what I want and some of that is with my family. But I make sure my needs are met first. I am a year post active treatment. I am still rebuilding but I am more relaxed and happy. It will be interesting to hear what others say.

I agree with everything you said @Afraser. Putting yourself first does come in different packages, and different factors determine which is best for the individual. The reason I write that women need to feel more comfortable with taking time off though, is because too many are not working in a job they love. Or are working too many hours and not allocating time for hobbies and fun. And too many women are taking care of others when they should be focusing on themselves more. Also, a lot of women have trouble seeing a therapist to help them figure out what’s troubling them and help fix it, so they bury themselves in more work to avoid facing their problems. In these cases, I feel these women need to understand that taking time off is perfectly ok, and they shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s also ok to change their career if it’s no longer fulfilling, and the workload at home should be shared with their partner and/or children. What might seem simple for one woman could be seen as a mountain for another. Unfortunately, I think more women find themselves in the latter category. It would be great if they could all have more control over their lives, but from what I’ve read it’s not the case. My point is women need to stop allowing society to pressure them into feeling like they have to be heroes and take care of everyone else first, and instead just focus on what is best for them, even though this could bring judgement from others. They need to understand judgment and guilt have no place when one makes themselves a priority.

Totally agree @FLClover and @June1952. Society has lost the plot. I came home to mum who was always there with afternoon tea after school. We had a great time and money didn't drive it. We had our home but not lots of ' stuff' . Mum worked when we were older, school hrs so was still around and not wearing herself out like I did.I had to get my first husband to leave when my son was 8 months old (long story) and as a sole parent it was exhausting. My parents helped me but still having to provide and do it all took it's toll on me. Admittedly I was very driven to achieve and provide. I busted my gut, no financial support from the ex. People thought I was amazing but no one helped me and I never asked. I didn't want to be a sole parent but I didn't choose a good first husband and paid a very big price. I also didn't handle all the stress of being a sole parent well. What's more no one ever said to me your very stressed or offered help. But I do really believe my stress impacted my help over the years and contributed to my cancer without a doubt. Not sure society would be prepared to go back to what it was like. I do see younger mums wanting more balance so you never know. But the greed of society keeps driving things in the wrong direction unfortunately. One thing that is positive is that children in schools are taught relaxation or yoga or other such techniques to help them manage stress.I would recommend the Otis Foundation for anyone wanting a break. @iserbrown has the link above.

Letting go of being superwoman! | BCNA Online Network

52 Replies

Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
@FLClover I agree no point in blaming ourselves.

We miss the point if we just keep doing the same thing and expect a different result and even to be happier but still clinging onto things in the past that we would like to change. Change is good if it benefits your health. Of course there is no room for blame, we didn't cause cancer, who would? So glad you have found contentment and feel a million times better than before.

@June1952 I agree, the way forward is looking through the windscreen. :)
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
@June1952 yep, totally agree ✅☺️🌸
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
@Zoffiel you have a point there about not getting stuck on the past. I agree with that in terms of processing what has happened, then letting it go. It has no place in the present and future, and will only prolong old painful memories.
I disagree though that we can’t learn from it. Also, by no means am I saying we should blame ourselves. Actually, we don’t need to blame anyone, but if we do then I’d blame society. We are forced into these situations by ‘standards’ we are supposed to meet and uphold. Too many women have pressures from all sides to be the ‘good wife’, especially in my culture. The man must be respected as the head of the house, and as the breadwinner, he deserves his relaxation time after working hard all day. The woman was home all day doing nothing apparently, so has to continue looking after the kids, keeping the house clean and making dinner etc. If she asks for a break, she’s painted as selfish and a bad wife/mother. So, here we are, modern women, fighting so hard against all this. Refusing to be this unappreciated slave, so ending up single with children, then working because we want to be independent, still needing to look after the kids though because the man certainly isn’t capable of doing so, and ending up being the breadwinner and the one raising the children. And where does that leave us? Exhausted, drained, miserable and depressed. It’s not a one-person job, but we do it because at the time there’s no way out. There’s other women who don’t have children, but have other family drama they find themselves a part of, and once again need to be the understanding one who needs to fix everything. Whatever the situation though, the woman is not to blame, because no one asks to be stuck in such a situation. It’s just where life takes us, usually because it’s the way this society functions, as I mentioned. Therefore, the point here is not to blame ourselves, as that doesn’t lead to anything constructive. It’s to analyse the past, see what wrong and why, and make conscious decisions and be proactive about changing the things we know led us to the misery. And I for one have made such changes. I am actively trying to not repeat history, and so far I’m feeling quite happy. I don’t know what will happen in future in terms of my health, but the most important thing is that in my present I feel a million times better than I did before. That in itself is a massive win for me.
FLClover
Member
4 years ago
@Sister I completely agree. Men tend to continue with their hobbies and interests no matter what, and everyone is supposed to accept and support this. Women, I feel, are judged if they do that because apparently it means they don’t give enough care to their children and family. I’m trying to also make my daughter understand that she comes first, and she should always make time for herself and her interests, no matter what. I’m doing that now too, and am so much happier. We all need alone ‘me’ time, it’s not selfish and is actually necessary.
June1952
Member
4 years ago
Keeping_positiv
Member
4 years ago
@Zoffiel much of what you said is so true. We shouldn't be focusing on the past, but I bring it up so we can reflect on how we can do things differently to move forward. I do believe that my workplace and the stress I was under has impacted my health negatively and thus I ended up with the diagnosis of cancer. Of course we can't be sure, nor prove it, but on discussion with others on this forum quite a few feel it was the stress they were under that caused their cancer. Going back to doing the same old things, can be toxic to our health and not conducive to finally moving forward without reflecting on doing things differently.
Zoffiel
Member
4 years ago
Over the years there have been many conversations here on this topic.

I worry, sometimes, about the tendency to blame ourselves for our disease. If we hadn't worked so hard, or made dubious choices, maybe things would have worked out differently. I wouldn't tolerate that narrative from anyone else when it comes to my disease, so I refuse to apply it to myself. I just don't think it is helpful.

We are products of our various environments but what has happened in the past can't be changed. Sure, you can try to avoid repeating history, but that has never been an overly successful strategy.

Yes, there are lifestyle decisions that increase risk of multiple diseases. We've known this in a modern medical environment for years. And known it for generations before science could prove it.

Rear view mirrors can be very useful if you want to go backwards, or want to see what is behind you. They are not what you should be focusing on if you want to move forward.
Afraser
Member
4 years ago
Indeed @sister. For some, the special time is in their music, or their ballroom dancing or travel. Mine was frequently my work - it was fascinating, challenging and often a lot of fun. I think the overall message is to do what you can not to regret how your time was spent. That’s a good message for your entire life, not just life before bc. If it takes cancer to recalibrate what’s important, better late than never!
Sister
Member
4 years ago
I do agree @afraser - many guys don't tend to look after themselves. However, they do tend to be able to find time to do the things they enjoy whether it's a sport (doing or watching) or something else. For many women, that's something they let slip away early and that makes it harder later on. I hope that my kids, whether they have their own children or not, are able to enjoy their own time as well as couple/family time.
Afraser
Member
4 years ago
Men may have consuming interests but quite a few wouldn’t know self care if it hit them. Have to be hounded to a doctor, don’t eat a good diet, drink more than is wise sometimes, and exercise? And that’s the younger ones!! The member for Kew is an example. We may all think we are bullet proof, just in different ways.