What can / could/ do our kids do to help as we go through breast cancer treatment ? I think they may need guidance about what they could do to help and it may overcome a sense of powerlessness some of them may feel.

Hi @Romla - it really depends on the age of the kids but in my case, my kids have totally stepped up to the plate! I have 3 adult kids - 23, 21, 20 - and a 12 year old. My 21 year old daughter has been overseas since February on university exchange so she’s been giving me lots of emotional support. My 23 year old son and 20 year old daughter have been doing lots of the grocery shopping, quite a bit of cooking, doing the dishwasher, sometimes the washing, driving their younger brother around etc - they were ‘OK’ at doing all these things before, but since my treatment started there’s been a definite increase and especially an increase in doing things without being asked and also volunteering to do things. On days that they work, they always call before they come home to see if there’s anything we need from the shops etc. They’ve been amazing. My 12 year old has become much more independent which is also a huge help - he’s walking home from school/bus stop instead of being picked up - a great help and great exercise too! Also being much more pro-active to help around the house etc. I agree that giving them guidance on how they can help is a great idea.

I have asked my 18yo son repeatedly to sit and watch a movie with me, to no avail. I demanded he go for a walk with me and his sister yesterday. He did and it was really nice. It was the most time I'd spent with him in months.He's a lovely boy in so many ways. I've had lots of hugs, but he's doing VCE, experiencing love dramas and is so all up in his own head like teenagers often are. I wish he'd cared more and expressed it to me but I don't know how to make that happen.As a parent I am conflicted between sharing with my kids what I'm going through and protecting them from it. It's rather more challenging when it comes to the youngest two as their mother died from it two years ago this month.We are a loving family, and we demonstrate it. How much is nature and how much is nurture? That I feel my kids have let me down a bit from time to time, or all the time, makes me feel like a failure.

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Depending on their ages really. My young adult kids all still at home helped out with the housework , cooked and heated up prepared meals. They came to visit me in hospital on my chemo days or drove me in if they were able to. Even the little things like sitting down and watching a movie with me was lovely. I was also told they could access Canteen ( cancer support group ) up until they were 25 if they needed it but we'd talked about things as a family and they didn't but its good to know its there if they do want to talk to someone.

I think it's really important - they won't like it though and it won't mean you get to stop nagging but... If it's any help, this is what ours looks like with 3 kids and this has been in place for a couple of years so the youngest was 10 at the time. These are the expectations - they do other things as they crop up and like you, my eldest daughter is the star with doing things intuitively (though she can still dig her heels in when she's in a mood)Daily chores - these cycle round, 1 responsibility each on a daily basis1. Dishes (includes empty & stack dishwasher in the morning and dry and put away other dishes at night)2. Take kitchen rubbish out at night and if it's rubbish night, the whole lot.3. Take recycling out at night. Feed cat.Weekly chores - these cycle round on a weekly basis and have to be done by a reasonable time on the weekend so it also means they have to take responsibility for organising when it's going to be done so that it fits in with other activities1. Vacuum living areas2. Vacuum and mop hard floors3. Clean bathroomsThey are also responsible for their own bedrooms and the two older ones have to iron their own school shirts.With the weekly chores, I wrote down what needed to be done and the kids made the decision on how it would be divided - we trialled it first for 3 weeks, then tweaked it a bit. They decided that even thought the hard floors was a big job, they preferred to divvy it up that way so they have a big job one weekend and an easy go the other times. It's not always up to the standard I would like, but unless it's really obvious that someone is slacking off, I let it go.

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24 Replies

kmakm
Member
7 years ago
@Romla There's more than one tunnel into which we're looking for a light at the end!
Romla
Member
7 years ago
One does see glimmers of hope here on occasions too - am holding out for the promise of maturity that others have assured
kmakm
Member
7 years ago
Well blow me down... Girl15 just took the rubbish out without being asked! She saw the bin was full and out it went. *pats self on back for parenting* #rarewin!
MaryB83
Member
7 years ago
My kids are 8, 6 and 3 and they are expected to keep doing their age appropriate chores (put clothes in laundry, rinse plates, set table, tidy room, feed the dogs etc). I don't want them to have to grow up too quickly because of my diagnosis but my oldest is being more helpful anyway, offering to do things for me or to help me out.
Anonymous
7 years ago
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Zoffiel
Member
7 years ago
Yep @joannie living on your own helps. There is less mess, usually, and you aren't a slave to anyone elses need for order or routine.

BC version 1, my son was 13. I'd been a sole parent for years. I was often told I was too hard on him when he was a small child, usually by the competitive martyrs who would go to extraordinary lengths to prove that they were the '''best' parents. As it turned out, he was more than capable of cooking himself a meal and could be trusted to navigate the 700km journey between home and my mother's via train and bus when I knew I wouldn't be able to look after him while I was having surgery in Melbourne.

I was well enough most of the time to work, but during a couple of crappy weeks a very kind lady I didn't know well offered to launder his school uniforms. Housework, meh, it's a small house. Boys of those age smell so appalling (despite an hour a day in the shower) that there is little point in worrying about any more than the basics, if he wanted to live in squallour in his room/cave, so be it.

Water finds its own level. What happens if you stop driving the requirement for a 'proper' domestic environment? There is only one way to find out. It's an interesting experiment and what harm can come from three months of accumulated dust?
Anonymous
7 years ago
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kmakm
Member
7 years ago
@AllyJay Oh it's definitely going to be a rotating roster! I'm a great believer in fairness and there won't be any gender divide either. The only division will be strength based and that's minimal. With four kids it won't be too arduous on anybody.
AllyJay
Member
7 years ago
@kmakm..hi there...perhaps try a rotating roster. I found when my kids were younger, there was always the one that thought taking out the rubbish versus changing the cat litter was a cop out or vice versa. I made up a chart of tasks for kid A and kid B, and they swapped round every week which put an end to that particular whinge fest.
Sister
Member
7 years ago
It won't stop the whinging but there will be less to argue against.