Calling parents

Hi @Romla - it really depends on the age of the kids but in my case, my kids have totally stepped up to the plate! 

I have 3 adult kids - 23, 21, 20 - and a 12 year old. My 21 year old daughter has been overseas since February on university exchange so she’s been giving me lots of emotional support. 

My 23 year old son and 20 year old daughter have been doing lots of the grocery shopping, quite a bit of cooking, doing the dishwasher, sometimes the washing, driving their younger brother around etc - they were ‘OK’ at doing all these things before, but since my treatment started there’s been a definite increase and especially an increase in doing things without being asked and also volunteering to do things. On days that they work, they always call before they come home to see if there’s anything we need from the shops etc. They’ve been amazing. 

My 12 year old has become much more independent which is also a huge help - he’s walking home from school/bus stop instead of being picked up - a great help and great exercise too! Also being much more pro-active to help around the house etc. 

I agree that giving them guidance on how they can help is a great idea. 

Depending on their ages really. My young adult kids all still at home helped out with the housework , cooked and heated up prepared meals. They came to visit me in hospital on my chemo days or drove me in if they were able to. Even the little things like sitting down and watching a movie with me was lovely. I was also told they could access Canteen ( cancer support group ) up until they were 25 if they needed it but we'd talked about things as a family and they didn't but its good to know its there if they do want to talk to someone.

I have asked my 18yo son repeatedly to sit and watch a movie with me, to no avail. I demanded he go for a walk with me and his sister yesterday. He did and it was really nice. It was the most time I'd spent with him in months.

He's a lovely boy in so many ways. I've had lots of hugs, but he's doing VCE, experiencing love dramas and is so all up in his own head like teenagers often are. I wish he'd cared more and expressed it to me but I don't know how to make that happen.

As a parent I am conflicted between sharing with my kids what I'm going through and protecting them from it. It's rather more challenging when it comes to the youngest two as their mother died from it two years ago this month.

We are a loving family, and we demonstrate it. How much is nature and how much is nurture? That I feel my kids have let me down a bit from time to time, or all the time, makes me feel like a failure.

@kmakm it’s not a failure -sure there maybe times when we feel let down by our kids but then it’s up to us to sit them down and explain why -preferably when the dust settles when we get a better hearing than a slanging match in the heat of the moment - the latter of which I have been guilty of .But what I find is when you say things in anger  in a  family  you talk about it later and they forgive and move on.Whilst change of behaviour may not be as quick as I’d like - it is thought about and changes occur - but only if I verbalise  rather than seeth and do it myself.I guess that’s parenting.

I think kids of all ages need to understand a little of what’s happening to us and how they can help . They experience shock to realise we are fallible and the turmoil of emotions we go through they see and they just don’t know what to do.

Last night I went to a 50th - it was the first social event that I have been to in my community, wearing my wig.

There were a lot of people there who knew that I was having chemo but haven’t seen me for quite a while, and others who have seen me more recently but before I lost my hair. The wig is fabulous, but obviously a different look. 

I stared wearing the wig to work last week but with a beanie over the top, which gives me a bit more security not just from an ‘it’s not going to fall off’ perspective but also from an aesthetic point of view. Last night I braved it without the beanie. 

I asked my 20 year daughter about a million times if it looked ok. As she was assuring me that she thought I looked lovely, I became really teary and told her that I felt really self conscious.  It’s the first time that she has seen me vulnerable since I was diagnosed back in January and she also started to get quite teary. 

As much as I didn’t want to upset her, it was a moment that we shared where she had a glimpse of the reality behind the strength. I think it was very meaningful for her to see. I’m also glad that she subsequently saw me suck it up, embrace the ‘new look’ and ‘own it’. I wasn’t hiding the cancer or the chemo - in fact I ended up having some great chemo/wig conversations during he night - I simply feel more comfortable with hair than without. 

We role model so many aspects of life for our kids. We don’t even realise how much rubs off on them and how much of our behaviours they absorb, then imitate. I’ve found breast cancer to be an opportunity to learn and teach many life lessons. 

Xxxxxx

I found a Canadian book that is written for primary school kids called the Kids Guide to Mommy’s Breast Cancer - hope it helps someone with kids this age group

https://goo.gl/images/VP8mrQ

My kids are 12, 13 & 16 (all have had birthdays since my diagnosis in December).  Regarding helping out with chores, they already had a housework roster, daily and weekly, before the diagnosis.  I was teaching them to cook simple meals.  And they are expected to help with other things around the house.

Since the diagnosis, they have mostly stepped up to help me with things such as hanging out washing after I'd had surgery (and making Christmas roast lunch and pav which is one of my "takeout" memories).  There's certainly been times when I know that I've disappointed them when I've had to say that I'm too tired to take them somewhere or do something.  Mostly they've been understanding about that.  I've tried to keep the important things as normal as possible but it is getting harder.

We have been completely honest with them about the diagnosis at each step of the way.  I have told them that I will always tell them what is going on (although they don't hear much about my "what if" worries).

@kmakm - you're not a failure at all.  What I would give to have my 16 yo son give me a real hug like he used to when he was younger...  I just hope that he doesn't have reason to regret not doing it.  He's the one that, when I was diagnosed, said that he might seem as if he didn't care but he knew I would be okay.  Of course, I know there's no guarantees of that.  In a conversation I had with him last year, before this was thought of, I must have been having some sort of moment, because I started a conversation with him about how important it would be for the kids to stick together and support each other should something happen to me.  His response was that he thought the family would be too devastated to function without me.  So, not what I would want, but shows me, without the spontaneous hugs, how he feels.

And @Eastmum I check my wigs, turbans, beanies and makeup with my 13 yo daugher if I'm unsure - she's the one these days with the sense of style - mine fled somewhere after having kids. 

This has been a steep learning curve for all of us.   I know there's underlying anxiety that breaks out sometimes.  And I know the kids can't live every moment thinking about me and the cancer, so they do forget and they do get resentful about it at times, as do I.  And the sharp words happen because I don't have the resilience to go through hours of arguments with teenagers about why they can't do or should do whatever it is.

My hope is, once the dust settles on treatment, to provide them with a good family life but also prepare them for the future.  I guess not much of a different goal than I had before but now there is a shadow over things that wasn't there before and isn't for most of their friends.  They've had to learn younger than most these days, to step up and be part of what makes the family work - and I've had to step back and let them do it.  

A beautiful thoughtful post @Sister, thank you.

To be fair, the kids have mostly done the extra things they've been asked to without too much arguing. My 15yo daughter has been the star, she's done the most, and with the least fuss. The 18yo son stepped up in the crisis moments, when I was fully incapacitated. Otherwise it's been repeated arguing and delaying on the task... I don't think I've asked my niece (10) and nephew (12) to do anything extra. I've been trying to shield them.

However this afternoon I am going to draw up a chores roster to go on the fridge. My husband and I have been talking about this and it's time to put it into action. My new normal has to include more time for me, and I need to teach the kids to become responsible contibuting young adults. Let's face it, it'll be a long time before any of them move out and I'm sure as heck not running round cleaning up after young adults unless they're doing the same for me!

I think it's really important - they won't like it though and it won't mean you get to stop nagging but...  If it's any help, this is what ours looks like with 3 kids and this has been in place for a couple of years so the youngest was 10 at the time.  These are the expectations - they do other things as they crop up and like you, my eldest daughter is the star with doing things intuitively (though she can still dig her heels in when she's in a mood)
Daily chores - these cycle round, 1 responsibility each on a daily basis
1. Dishes (includes empty & stack dishwasher in the morning and dry and put away other dishes at night)
2. Take kitchen rubbish out at night and if it's rubbish night, the whole lot.
3. Take recycling out at night.  Feed cat.
Weekly chores - these cycle round on a weekly basis and have to be done by a reasonable time on the weekend so it also means they have to take responsibility for organising when it's going to be done so that it fits in with other activities
1. Vacuum living areas
2. Vacuum and mop hard floors
3. Clean bathrooms

They are also responsible for their own bedrooms and the two older ones have to iron their own school shirts.

With the weekly chores, I wrote down what needed to be done and the kids made the decision on how it would be divided - we trialled it first for 3 weeks, then tweaked it a bit.  They decided that even thought the hard floors was a big job, they preferred to divvy it up that way so they have a big job one weekend and an easy go the other times.  It's not always up to the standard I would like, but unless it's really obvious that someone is slacking off, I let it go.

Brilliant! Thank you @Sister, I'll have this in front of me when I work on mine.